Change is A Foot

Amidst all of the wacky family time with A's parents and sister, I realized/remembered that "oh yeah, in addition to honoring them as family and making sure they are comfortable as guests, I need to honor myself and make sure I am comfortable!" Okay, okay, nothing profound in that...or is there? I think for people, okay, for me, that it's all too easy to forget myself, to put my own priorities in the realm of wishes, to be uncomfortable for some ideal of the greater good when it's really not only unnecessary, but also ultimately unhelpful. That quote about hiding out light under a bushel comes to mind.

This doesn't mean that I am purely individualistic, but rather that I can no longer abide not taking care of my needs. No one else is doing it for me (nor should they). A long time ago, a devout Muslim friend asked me who should I love above all else. Wanting to impress him with my own spirituality and not even thinking about the question, I answered, "God." He corrected me and reminded me that one cannot love another, even God, without first loving oneself. I love myself, but like a lover you take for granted, I haven't been very loving with myself. So, I decided to make some changes, to think about what I really need and what I really want in making decisions, to let important self care aspects be just what I do, and to let myself shine.

Not sure how that's really been working out for me this week - it's definitely easier to pursue these changes in the regularity of a daily schedule, without guests, without extra lectures several evenings of the week and without financial concerns, but I think even the mindset has allowed me to be compassionate instead of resentful, resolute instead of aggressive and genuine in my emotional expression rather than fake with myself, my partner and those around me.

Let's see how we go with a new week coming on.

Cooking Night

I made a decision about a week ago: to start making decisions! During my recent trip to DC, E and I were sometimes paralyzed by everyone's lack of preferences and during the past 6 months living with A, the same thing happens on a fairly regular basis. I also recently read a list of tips for eating out - I think it was a weight loss article, but this tip was more about satisfaction - it said, "Order First." Apparently people who order their food first are often far more satisfied than other diners. I usually try to be the last person at the table to order, but no more.

And that goes for home, too. I decided that unless A made any specific requests, I would just decide what we're eating each night. Asking him hasn't given me any new information, ever, so I just took that step out and for the past week, I've found myself much more satisfied by the new process. Different nights this week, I decided:

• what I was cooking for dinner
• what we were getting for take out and from where
• that we weren't eating dinner at all and could grab snacks if we get hungry
• and that A could eat this and I'll grab something later

It is working out splendidly and tonight I've decided on an ambitious cooking list:

• mushroom and zucchini quiche (for quick meals whenever)
  
• sweet potato quesadillas with pepper jack cheese (for dinner)
• raw chili rellenos with raw mole sauce and queso fundido (for yumm!)
  
• dehydrated kale chips (for snacking)
• dog food (for Chibo)

Here's to stress relief and expressions of love through cooking!

Must Be Nice...

One many snarkish phrases that I've said more often than I would like in my life, "that must be nice" is one that has me thinking a lot lately. I'm sitting at a coffee shop with A. We're both doing research and writing presentations for our work. And a musician has just started playing.

And I thought, "wow, it must be nice to just write music and perform for work."

Revealing, no?

Lot of assumptions there - that writing music and performing it is easy or easier than other work, for one - but also a sad commentary on my own life. Must be nice implies must be nicer than what I am/do/have which relates to a level of dissatisfaction with what I am/do/have. And there is some (sometimes much) of that, but also there is a lot that I appreciate or even take for granted that someone else might "must be nice" me about.

I think one of the things that I realized when I thought "must be nice" about this singer is that it must be nice to be doing creative work that he loves. In between songs, this late 20's singer-songwriter revealed that he works at a movie theater and burned himself on some popcorn. Wow, that's not so nice. I wouldn't want to work at the movie theater and I bet they don't pay that well. But he's just doing what he needs to do to support himself while he does create.

And I hope I can remember that when I'm doing all the daily mundane tasks at my clinic or when I'm working my side job at the market - I'm doing all of this so that I can have the time and space and health to be present with my patients and help them on their healing journey, which is the creative, psycho-spiritual, energetic and physical work that I love and it's worth it. Just like it's worth him working at the movie theater and getting burned by popcorn when he has a beautiful voice and creative spirit.

Relationship Building ... Thru Tetris?

We got a couple of my old favorite video games for Wii - Dr. Mario and Tetris. They are both just like the classic games, but Tetris has a few other features that are pretty fun. In Wii Tetris Party, up to 4 people can play at a given time and there are lots of different competitions available. There is also a cooperative mode that A and I have been playing with mixed results. In this mode, both players get the long straight peice, but only one player gets all the squares, L's and J's and the other player gets all of the T's, S's and Z's.

We've found several ways that Cooperative Tetris is like a relationship:

1. Team building - We're working together to clear lines off the screen and that requires figuring out how we want to do certain things. Just like in our relationship when we're trying to accomplish something or just get along. We noticed that when we don't talk about our strategies, we don't do as well. Point taken, I hope.

2. Stress management - When the pieces start coming more quickly or if we make a mistake and things start stacking up, we find ourselves freaking out and sometimes even yelling at one another! Yeah, it's only a game, but think about it - when stresses start building up in a relationship, how do you cope?

3. Seeing the other's point of view. - Despite playing this game a lot, A and I have always played the same side - I've always had the Z's and S's and he's always had the L's and J's - until last night. After getting frustrated with me for always "coming over to his side," A decided we should switch roles and see how we did. I compared it to a role play like a counselor might suggest - he had no idea how hard it was to play with those pieces and understood my strategies and invasions into his territory so much better. And I got a window into why my coming over to his territory would be so annoying to him.

I don't necessarily think any counselors are going to be prescribing team Tetris for couples having trouble, but I do find myself surprised at the lessons from this unexpected source. Just another reminder that when the student is ready, the teacher will be there.

Inspiration x 2

My partner has been studying for a certification exam for the last several months and today, he took it and passed it with a perfect score! I'm so proud of him and find myself feeling particularly inspired to get on with my own board exams.

Not only was his example inspiring, but I was also inspired by my own reaction to it. I was happy for him. Can you tell that I bolded that period? I'm stressing that because that was it - that was my reaction. I was just happy for him. Okay, that and proud of him and inspired. Not jealous, not guilty, not snarky, not sad, not taking it personal, just happy. And that's something kind of new for me.

After the fact, I kind of remembered, "oh yeah, I would normally take this really personally and be upset with myself" for not passing my board exam, for not studying enough for it then or now, for not having it scheduled or having a plan. But I saw that come up, after I'd already noted how happy I was for him, and I just let it go. I just chose not to have that reaction and to just be happy for him and inspired to get back on track with my own exam.

And this is the second time that something like this has happened. When I found out that my good friend was pregnant, something I'd been dreading for the pain I anticipated it causing me, I was also just happy. For her and her husband, of course, but also for me! I get to meet another new human being and potentially be a part of his or her life for a long time. Again, after the fact, I realized that I could feel some pain about this, but I just didn't want to. I wanted to be happy about it.

I had thought about using CHOOSE as my word for 2009, which would really have fit in well for this, but I do think that my dancing is helping me choose happiness, because I feel so good when I'm dancing that it does spill out into other arenas of my life. So, I'm going to keep choosing happiness and keep dancing.

Freaking Out

It's easy to make blanket statements, it's easy to make assumptions, and it's easy to freak out. That doesn't make it any fun. And just because someone else is wrong doesn't make you right. It's been a weird week and yesterday, my day off, spent with A and his sister and brother in law, was the weirdest. I just got into a huge funk. There are reasons and I certainly wanted, sought and received collusion about those reasons, but in the end, none of that matters.

What matters to me is that I made myself miserable, made other people uncomfortable, worried my partner, worried myself and didn't know how to get out of the downward spiral that had started the night before. At one point, when I started traveling on that spiral staircase, I remembered my word and I breathed deeply and whispered "dance" into all the hidden corners of my mind and "dance" into all the fearful places of my heart and it really helped. But I didn't remember or didn't do that every time and the funk set in.

Now that I've had some time alone and a good night's sleep, I almost can't remember the funk ... almost ... and that says a lot about what I need to do to take care of myself. I think taking an "It's just what I do" attitude about my needs is essential - I need some time alone, I need a clear plan for the day, I need enough sleep and I need expressions of love and appreciation. I also think I would do well to cultivate some flexibility and humor in situations over which I don't really need to have control or the RIGHT answers. And I think I need a complaining bracelet to help me stop being such a negative Nancy all the time! [You move the bracelet to your other wrist every time you complain - it helps you notice all the complaints you're making.]

On the other hand, I also think I need to explore the issues that came up that have some validity, like power differentials, my relationship with money, how I want to be treated by my partner, how to ask for what I want or need, cultural differences and what I want for my home. Though the timing was off and the funk was uncomfortable, it's a good reminder to keep traveling on the path.

Ninety-Ten

First, I have to say that I LOVE that Blogspot has a "create" button instead of a "post" button. I feel more creative already just hitting that button and I'm jazzed to remember that I am a creative being. So, after a brief aside, I'm going to create a clean work space, some dog food, dinner and a clean body. But first, my aside:

A wise friend that I frequently quote here told me that the difference in how men and women communicate can be described by the rule of 90-10:

Men will be 10% sure they are correct about something and speak as though they
are 90% (100%) sure of it; women will be 90% sure of something and speak
as though they are 10% sure.

It wasn't actually men I was pandering to today but women who thought they knew something. Now, I'm not judging them for not knowing, but I don't like that they assume that I don't know. Actually, I do know and yes, vegetables are a great source of soluble fiber. I also don't like that they might be spreading what they don't know around. I find there are 2 ways to go in the face of gross misinformation: a) provide correct information or another way of viewing things or b) let it go. Today I did a little of both. It's just so much easier to share information with someone when they are willing to admit that they aren't exactly sure or that their facts may be wrong. The challenge is to set aside my own feelings in the matter and offer information that may or may not be accepted.

I find that female pattern 90-10'ing give me a lot of benefits:
1. I can admit that I don't know everything - what a relief!
2. I can ask questions that I think I already know the answer to and learn something!
3. I don't roll over other people, aggravate them or patronize them. I get to treat everyone as my teacher.
4. I get to offer information to people rather than tell them.

Male pattern 90-10'ing is rarely as useful. The times I do it the most are the times I think I'm supposed to know the answers to the questions I'm being asked. I become less authentic and less open to learning new things. The opportunity for me and my audience to learn is lost as I stretch what I know to cover the gap or make something up. Yes, if the other party allows that the confidence with which I answer them (a keystone of the male pattern 90-10) means that what I'm saying is true, my pride is assuaged - oh good, I don't have to admit I don't know or that what I just said was actually wrong, but is that worth it? It also just caters to my perfectionist tendencies that I'd like to jettison.

Things That Haven't Happened...Yet?

I totally lost it yesterday. No costume, no make up, no candy (okay, I did eat one 'fun pack' of M and M's) and no parties. I got myself worked up in such a state that I spent much of the evening in tears and sent A to party alone. Alone at home with Chibo, I didn't even answer the door when our outside lights turned back on (on timer) and we got some late Trick-or-Treaters.

What the heck? Why? What was so upsetting? I don't know, but I know it started much earlier in the day as I could feel anxiety rising while I was still about my business before I even headed home to get dressed. I was speaking to a friend in the car on the way home and I told her that I was aware that I was manifesting this bad time with all the dread I was feeling. She pointed out that I was upset about things that haven't even happened yet. That is interesting.

I was upset about things that haven't even happened yet.

Not only had they not happened, but it was possible they wouldn't happen. It was entirely possible that the things I had envisioned or thought of either consciously or unconsciously would not ever happen, let alone having not even happened yet. But I was just as upset, sad, angry and anxious as if they had already happened. I already felt berated, beat up, left out, less than, ugly, unwitty and taken for granted when in fact, I had every reason to feel supported, cherished, included, valued, respected and fun.

By staying home, I certainly prevented the worst of my projected unpleasantness, the things that hadn't happened yet, from happening. If I lived alone and had no partner, this wouldn't have been a problem for anyone else - maybe friends would miss me, but when I saw them again as my normal contented self, they would be none the wiser and no feelings would have been hurt by my responding to things that haven't happened yet. But I live with A and he was hoping to spend a fun evening together. Though I'm sure he had fun, he was very disappointed that I didn't go and then he started wondering about things that haven't happened yet, such as my future refusals to go to parties, because of the various reasons I gave to try to explain my disquiet.

This, I think, is the gift of Buddhist practice - being in the moment, you don't hold on to the past or project the future. Things that haven't happened yet have no bearing on the moment. I need practice with this, because every day my decisions and emotions are influenced by things that haven't happened yet. The more I consider this, the clearer it becomes that these things have a strong influence in my life - I can become a weeping mess over the death of a loved one that hasn't happened yet within moments, I prepare for confrontations that I imagine happening that never materialize and I get myself in these anxious states because of imagined slights, attacks, disrespects and situations that leave me feeling powerless.

Besides practicing being in the moment, I think an important next step is to examine the pieces of these imagined things that haven't happened yet and see why they would be so upsetting to me and how I could develop myself so that they aren't. That sounds a bit like preparing myself for confrontations that never materialize, a practice I'm already more than familiar enough with, but what I mean is something different. What I mean is to figure out what I feel that allows me to project these imagined scenarios, such as feeling powerless or disrespected, and determine if there are social skills to develop or conversations to have to ensure I'm feeling in control of my own destiny or respected in the present moment. Because these imagined scenarios can really only reflect the reality going on right now.

And right now, I'm feeling determined to be more clear about why I do or do not want to do things, to respect my own desires to be in certain environments and to allow myself the freedom of entering situations without manifesting my own pre-meditated resentments and negativities.

Binge Living

Prior to this moment, I have had a binging lifestyle. In college, as is unfortunately and unwisely common, I did a fair bit of binge drinking. Currently, I eat too fast and often feel over-full and uncomfortable after eating and even though I don't meet the medical definitions for binge eating, I consider this binging as well. This morning, I've recognized another element of binging - media binging.

I've written about my love of Law and Order, but even I didn't realize how strong its grip on me is. I reviewed my viewing history on Netflix and counted at least 6 episodes one day. The episodes run about 40 minutes, so that's 6 x 40 = 240 minutes or 4 hours. Four hours. Watching Law and Order. One day. That's a lot of Law and Order. I've almost watched everything that Netflix has available. By some strange quirk, I am unable to enjoy watching these out of order, so I'm happy and lucky that Netflix doesn't have everything up to the current season, so I have to wait and can't get hooked to watching it on television.

Another form of media binging is blogs. There are several blogs that I follow and a few that I've started reading backwards, forwards, crosswise and inside out. Christine Kane's beautiful blog is one such. I'm enjoying jumping from post-to-post, reading related entries and then jumping to another random one. This binging seems a bit healthier than food or alcohol or television, but I am aware that I am not and could not possibly be digesting all that is coming at me. Would it be better to miss some posts in order to really ruminate on another?

Can one really get too much personal growth or spiritual work? When I stopped working with my transformational educator several years ago, I certainly thought so. I was a little "worked out" on that front - not quite burned out, but certainly overtrained and underexperienced. I felt like I needed to take some time to assimilate and practice all that I'd learned. It's been several years and seems like my quick attachment to this series might indicate readiness for another guide or more structured form of learning.

Teacher, I am ready, open and grateful for your kind and gentle lessons.

Feeling Zen... And Then...

Earlier this week, I was explaining to a friend of mine how I feel like I've recycled up a lot of the language and thought-process that I learned when I was doing some pretty intensive personal growth work. This was from about 5 years ago til about 2-3 years ago. In the intervening 2-3 years, I took what I called a practicing sabbatical from personal growth work. By the way, I don't consider 'personal growth work' a euphemism, but some would - it can mean therapy, it can mean working with a shaman, it can mean communication classes. In this instance, it means some combination of these - I spent several years working with an experiential educator who focused on sacred healing learning. Let's call her Betty, not because that is her name and not because she needs protection or anonymity, but because I like the name Betty. So, I was telling my friend that I was recycling these ideas - I read her something I'd written containing words like 'sacred,' 'co-creating,' 'intention,' and 'respect.' I said to my friend, "Isn't that so Betty?" and she replied, "No, B, it's all you."

She's right - it is me. I can own those words - they are only mine. Even with Betty's influence, I wrote that piece and it belongs to me. And then, I had to scratch my itch. The piece of writing it did is a contract of sorts or maybe a mission or vision statement. It's basically a pre-statement to the negotiation that is in progress. (In progress referring to the fact that we keep coming back to it, because it itches so much, and not to the fact that we're negotiating at this very minute - I would be a poor negotiator indeed if I blogged in the middle of a negotiation.) At any rate, I wrote that and got all kinds of zen feelings about how this was all going to work out.

And then I scratched. Until this situation resolves, one way or another, I will feel unsettled. There is also an important time element involved, so it needs to be brought up again and again until it gets resolved. But it sucks. Every time it gets brought up, I end up screaming like a banshee and or crying and sobbing. I didn't wish for my mommy, but I did cry for my daddy. Having lost my protective father and being in this situation where I wish I had a strong male ally who would take my side no matter what makes me wish for my dad more than ever, which of course just adds to my discontent and the drama of the situation.

I look forward to a resolution and to feeling zen again.

Inspiration

I have lots of notebooks around with little notes scribbled randomly throughout them. I'm actually working on keeping one handy and then transferring the information to a more usable format, such as here, before recycling the pages. Here's a few excerpts from the one I'm using right now:

• Integrity <--> Integration
• Individuation
• Being honest means you have less to keep track of. (Less worry about who knows what!)
• Feedback, not Failure
• Do I dislike to consequences enough to make a change?
• Value yourself first
• You should only be incompetant at one thing at a time. [A personal quote relating to my own feelings of overwhelm.]
• Feeling --> Trying to feel (How get there? Be specific!)
• Will this matter in 6 months?
• If you're bored, maybe you bore others.

What I Don't Like About Myself

I fight with my boyfriend a lot. Okay, maybe not a lot, and maybe it's not really fighting when I just yell and screech at him, but I do it more often than I like. Sometimes it makes me wonder...well, it often makes me wonder...are we really compatible if I'm always yelling? Am I just too set in my ways to welcome another person into my life? Am I protecting myself from getting too close? Am I just a bitch? Is he just a ___ ? Why does my voice do that when I'm angry? Why do I always cry when I'm really angry? Am I really a mean person?

Last night, I got mad. A met me at my house after work and was ready to take me out for dinner, a movie and some early Halloween shopping. It does make sense to be Halloween shopping right now because we're leaving for the next two weeks. However, even though it makes sense, I don't feel any urgency about it whatsoever. Until he starts talking about it and then I feel like I'm going to have a crappy costume, I'm not going to fit in, but I'm not going to stand out, I'm probably not going to have any fun at all and so on. So there was already the start of some tension - mostly due to my own weird, unhealthy and unconsciously driven thoughts.

Then I started having this weird anxiety. I called E since we were in the neighborhood and she decided to come shopping with us. I don't know why this added to my tailspin, but then A said something to me along the lines of: I just didn't want to spend another night at your house watching movies, I wanted to get you out, see some people, have some fun. I was mortified. Did that guy at the next rack (who I don't know and don't even care about) hear that? Did the cute girl with the funky bracelets he admired hear? Does he think she's more fun? Does he want to date her now? I was so pissed at him, after he basically said he just wanted to show me a good time, that I couldn't speak, we had to leave the store and I fought back tears for the next 30 minutes.

What I don't like about myself is how my internal dialogue is this panic driven, full throttle anxiety bomb. That A and E both have a fair bit of emotion to them sometimes doesn't help and let's not even start on my mother. But really, it's my dialogue. Any influence they have is based only on my permitting them to do so. How do we change our internal dialogue? Fake it until we make it? I like that method for changing other things, but I'm not sure it would work with myself. Would it go a little something like this:

Self: Wow, A admired her bracelets.
Self: She's a bitch.
Self: No, she's probably not a bitch. They're cute bracelets.
Self: You're a bitch.

Guess I'll have to work on some healthy self talk. In the meantime, I'm keeping my mouth shut a little more in the moment and that helps. Instead of screeching, A and I end up talking about my feelings which is a lot more effective and also helps me realize which ones are real and which ones are just me spinning my own wheels.

Internal Exploration

My friend enjoys UE: urban exploration as photography subjects. He has also expressed an interest in rural exploration, mostly abandoned farm equipment and buildings. I wonder if I can interest him in some internal exploration?

I don't know why I like that terminology but I do. Somehow the words - internal exploration - sound like an adventure. I guess Body Worlds 3 (which I have extremely mixed feelings about) could be one form of internal exploration, whereas therapy and personal growth work could be another.

I found a list of the top 10 things one can do to improve one's life and the top item was something about stop paying so much attention to how you feel. I really jived with that in some ways. My community consists of a lot of people who are really in touch with their feelings and sometimes it gets a little crazy. Like when a friend asked me how I was dealing emotionally with moving in the middle of carrying furniture outside. Or when another friend wept daily for two weeks for no aparent reason and spent hours ruminating on it. I do think sometimes that would help people have a better time.

But what about those people who don't really get in touch with their feelings at all? I guess the answer is the same as usual: moderation.

Personal Growth: Thoughts on Maturity

Long talk on maturity last night in the wee hours. As a certifiable age-snob with a preference for those older than me, maturity as a concept, is something I think I've got a pretty good hold on, but let's see how close I could come to Websters - I'm guess it uses the term "age-appropriate" in the definition. Websters says:

Maturity:
1 : the quality or state of being mature; especially : full development
2 : termination of the period that an obligation has to run

Mature:
1 : based on slow careful consideration
2 a (1) : having completed natural growth and development : RIPE
(2) : having undergone maturation
b : having attained a final or desired state
c : having achieved a low but stable growth rate
d : of, relating to, or being an older adult : ELDERLY
3 a : of or relating to a condition of full development
b : characteristic of or suitable to a mature individual

Wow, this was not what I expected. Maturity as a concept seems to be more about having reached "full development" but I wonder how this relates to full potential. The definition "having attained a final or desired state" might suggest that meeting one's full potential would be the end of maturing, but I wonder, "desired by whom?" There are people who do not desire any further growth, probably think they are mature and in whom I see a lot more potential. In last nights conversation about maturity, my friend queried, "Is there a point in one's years when a person reaches a level of maturity and stays there?" Well, per Webster, we may be erroneous in thinking of levels of maturity - fruit and wine are either mature/ripe/ready or not. I don't even ask if people are that way, because as a feminist/relativist thinker, of course I consider there to be a scale and I think the issue is just one of semantics.

Personal learning and growth is one of my core values, so I'm constantly seeking the way to growth. I almost wrote "better myself" but I realize that doesn't really express it and self-betterment also carries with it a tinge of the idea that I might possibly know what is better for myself. There is also an idea with self-betterment that things may also be better, cleaner, prettier or somehow more positive, whereas with growth, I think sometimes things get messier, at least at first. For example, when I started learning to communicate my feelings of anger, I often overshot my goal, said it wrong or whatnot, so my life actually got messier for a time. In the end, I do think we are "better" for having grown, but I guess part of the learning I've accomplished in my growth has been that I'm perfect right now and doing the best I can with what I have available. Given that, I can't possibly be better.

Okay, enough psychobabble. Is maturing a process that ends? My opinion: for some people, yes - for some, no. Alcoholics (and likely other addicts), for example, get stunted in their emotional growth and often retain the maturity of a teenager. Psychologists say that they can resume their growth when they attain sobriety, but I have not always seen that they do - I think the possibility is there, but it requires a personal dedication. I don't think that is exclusive to addicts, either - I think beyond our growing years, there may be a tendency to stagnate if we aren't feeding ourselves the right mental/emotional/spiritual food for growth. That food is what keeps us growing/changing/maturing. What is it? Probably varies for everyone - for me, it includes an exploration of the dao, personal journey into spiritual realms, working with a therapist and lots of exposure to and exploration of the meaning of words.

To continue along that track, I also think that kids and teenagers need a lot of exposure while they are in their growing years to these foods, whatever they may be for them - since we can't possibly know, it would behoove us to expose them to LOTS of different models. This is the same way I feel about their physical health - if kids don't eat dirt and get exposed to germs, they never develop a proper immune system; if they (and we) don't eat lots of different foods, we never develop a wide palate and/or get the nutrition we need! It's really one and the same desire to have a wide array of experience - even if we then choose to walk a more narrow road, at least it was choice and not something that was foisted upon us due to the limits of our exposure.

For my part, as someone who has used and accepted the label "mature" since I was about 11, I now rescind that label based on Websters definition. I hope the day I wake up mature is my last on this planet - I'd love to look on this earth with mature eyes for just a day before ascending to nirvana.

When Waiting Means Not-Doing

Sometimes if you wait for other people or for circumstances to be just right, it means that you end up missing out. I'm tired of missing out. With or without you, I'm starting.

Taking Things Personally

One of the Four Agreements is: Don't take things personally.


I'm struggling with this today and trying to remind myself that this is who I want to be - someone who doesn't take things personally. A couple of scenes:


At work, a task arose that no one wanted to do. Straws were drawn (literally) and C had to do said task. When I informed her, she was clearly annoyed. So instead of leaving early on my second to last day of clinic with a light heart, I've been feeling sick and worried over her anger ever since. I can think of lots of talking points that further justify her performance of that task, not the least of which is that the rest of us covered for her earlier in the week when she called in, but that's not the point. That's who I have been so far, not who I am becoming.


At home, found out that L's flight was delayed so she won't arrive until tomorrow. Had to change plans with A who seems to be making our plans a lower priority than I would like. E says I'm being too easy on him, too nice, and that he doesn't really understand how hurt I am. I don't quite know how to say, without sounding like a princess, that I need to be the priority with the possibility of plans changing with little notice and have nothing expected of me for the next for days.


Right now, I'm going to take a deep breath and let go of my guilt over C having to work at work. I'm sorry if that was a challenge for her and if she wants to talk about how that was handled, I would be willing to discuss it. Another deep breath and I'm going to let go of expecting things without spelling them out. Even if I sound like a princess, I'm going to spell it out for A so that he knows how important this weekend is to me. And for that matter, I'm going to take a lot of deep breaths all weekend long, because thought the weekend is VERY important to me and loaded with expectations (read: premeditated resentments? That's what I'm trying to avoid!), the universe is going to throw curves my way and there may be little I can do about it besides chose how I'm going to act (not react!). I am responsible for my own good time this weekend.

On Being Interesting

I have an interesting name. Does that make me interesting? I get a lot of comments and compliments about my name. What does it mean? Were your parents Persian? Were your parents hippies? Is that your real name? It's so beautiful.

What can I say about this? Perfect strangers are not entitled to the painful and tragic history that led to my rebirth and rechristening as B___. Nor do they deserve outright lies. My parents were probably hippies since they were teens in the 60's, so I say "No, they aren't Persian, but they probably were hippies." My French last name also draws queries, but it's simple enough to admit that I come from "mutt" blood as a mixture of Prussian, Irish, English, Native American and African American. My aunt swears by the African, my mother prays by the Native and my grandmother denies them both, so who's to say that there wasn't a little Frenchie thrown in somewhere?

At any rate, I didn't start intending to portray my entire genealogy, but rather my dismay at being interesting. It's become a strange sort of ritual in my life that after I introduce myself, I am automatically ready to say "Thank you, I like it, too. It's Persian. No, I'm not." It's almost become my long introduction, such as those given in the south when debs are given (in)to society.

My name is not the only thing publicly but inanely interesting - I also wear vintage glasses admired by all. "Yes, they are prescription. Yes, they are old. I got them at ___." Be careful trying on vintage glasses - wear them around the shop for at least 20 minutes. I bought two lovely pair at once and can only wear one set because the others are too heavy. Although vintage glasses are sized, so once you find a pair you like the fit of, you can easily weed through a stack looking for the same size. My eyeglass size is 5 1/2. My shoes are 38 European or 8 American. My dresses are 12-14 and my earrings are preferably huge.

But I didn't start this post intending to give tips on buying vintage or to elucidate the size of all my body parts. It's about being interesting. I think being interesting is just like being invisible. My invisible friend V once threw a fit in class and flipped everyone off, double handed, while cursing them all vocally. Neither the instructor or any of our 10 classmates noticed. Only I and the person on the other side of her noticed. Not seeing her is their loss because she's really an admirable, gifted and kind person. I wish I could see more of her.

Having these interesting things for people to latch onto, they become you, you become them. I am my interesting name and my funky glasses. And to some, little else, but I know better. I know the really interesting things come at night when I wake up in the middle of the night, when I dream big - win, lose or draw, when I dance, when I sing or when I cry. I just hope to recognize those things that are really interesting in you.

Personality vs. Temperament

Words of the Day:

• Personality: set of qualities that makes a person, a group of people, or a thing different from others (see also Nature: the set of qualities that makes a person, a group of people, or a thing different from others)
  
• Temperament: one's characteristic attitude or mood

How changeable are these? I think and hope they are very changeable and I'm setting out right now to change my temperament. I tend to have a judgmental, defensive attitude and a negative mood, but I'm going to turn that frown upside down and become more positive, starting now. Since people seem to like my personality, I'm going to leave that be for now, because I think this temperament thing is going to be challenging.

Oh yeah, if you don't agree that my temperament is as described, that's just because I have such a glittering personality. ;)

What's in a Name?

I changed my name 4 years ago after getting sick and having my life unalterably changed. I picked my new first name off the cover of a book I got at church. The author wrote about prosperity and ease, both of which I long(ed) for and I admired his message and his method. I took his name for my own. People who learn that I adopted this name look at my cross-eyed when I tell them my name was ___. You don't look like a ___. No, I don't. Not anymore.

My middle name used to be my mom's first name. I actually really liked that name and I'm not sure why I changed it except that I really liked the first letter of my prior first name too. My middle name is simple my initials, spelled out. Middle names often seem to be the name of some family member or ancestor that you want to honor. I supposed it just as valid to honor the person who carried me around for 26 years as the one who carried me for 9 months, so I saved a piece of my old name in the middle.

My last name was the middle name of my girlhood friend. Someone I called sister for a long time for lack of a better label. Honoring our relationship, but also how her (now my) name rolled melodically with the new first name. It sounded good together.

A patient told me the other day that she was thinking of taking my name. I'm only 30 now and I feel too young to have people naming after me, but I think she just likes the sound. I suppose if music can be a religious experience, the music of a beautiful name can be as well. I certainly love the sound of people using my name. It's not the beauty or music, nor the Persian meanings I attach to the word of my name, nor the mystery of it, but the simple joy of being recognized as a unique and irreplaceable human being, different than who I used to be.

Talking Shit

I bitch about people too much. When I got off work at 11pm and couldn't wait to fall into bed, I still stood around outside the store bitching about my coworkers for another twenty minutes. I felt very self-conscious while I was talking to my coworker because 1. she's not exactly very trustworthy - I'm sure she'll be talking about me on her next shift and/or telling everyone what I said about them; 2. there was a camera on us the whole time; and 3. the shift lead (who I was particularly bitching about) left while we were mid-bitch.

I often say that I would like to get to the point where I never say anything about someone that I wouldn't mind them hearing me say or that I wouldn't say to their face, but I continue to bitch. Whenever I express my dismay, I am usually reassured that it's healthy to vent or that I'm just working things out out loud, but I still don't like it.

Considering this, I wonder if this is the appeal to my more distant relationships - when I don't spend loads of time with people, I am so happy to see them and spend time that there's nothing to bitch about. That doesn't totally hold water, though because I know there are people with whom I could spend every day and never feel like bitching about them - the Jeffs are an example. Both of my Jeffs are amazing, patient friends with whom I feel totally comfortable and always have a great time. I don't think they really ever bitch about anybody either. Maybe like being the person you want to find, I'll have to stop bitching to develop more relationships like that.