Saturday, January 17, 2009

Freaking Out

It's easy to make blanket statements, it's easy to make assumptions, and it's easy to freak out. That doesn't make it any fun. And just because someone else is wrong doesn't make you right. It's been a weird week and yesterday, my day off, spent with A and his sister and brother in law, was the weirdest. I just got into a huge funk. There are reasons and I certainly wanted, sought and received collusion about those reasons, but in the end, none of that matters.

What matters to me is that I made myself miserable, made other people uncomfortable, worried my partner, worried myself and didn't know how to get out of the downward spiral that had started the night before. At one point, when I started traveling on that spiral staircase, I remembered my word and I breathed deeply and whispered "dance" into all the hidden corners of my mind and "dance" into all the fearful places of my heart and it really helped. But I didn't remember or didn't do that every time and the funk set in.

Now that I've had some time alone and a good night's sleep, I almost can't remember the funk ... almost ... and that says a lot about what I need to do to take care of myself. I think taking an "It's just what I do" attitude about my needs is essential - I need some time alone, I need a clear plan for the day, I need enough sleep and I need expressions of love and appreciation. I also think I would do well to cultivate some flexibility and humor in situations over which I don't really need to have control or the RIGHT answers. And I think I need a complaining bracelet to help me stop being such a negative Nancy all the time! [You move the bracelet to your other wrist every time you complain - it helps you notice all the complaints you're making.]

On the other hand, I also think I need to explore the issues that came up that have some validity, like power differentials, my relationship with money, how I want to be treated by my partner, how to ask for what I want or need, cultural differences and what I want for my home. Though the timing was off and the funk was uncomfortable, it's a good reminder to keep traveling on the path.

No comments: