I was thinking this morning about something that was not very PC. At this point, I can't even recall what it was, but I realized that while I wouldn't want to bring it up at work, with my in-laws or in mixed company, that blogging about things/thoughts/ideas that aren't that PC is one of the beauties of the system. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting, not do I condone, just slamming things online because of the anonymity of the net, but rather that writing up a thought process or working on an opinion online may sometimes be safer than bringing a fledgling dissenting opinion out into the light before its time.
I write that and realize that I sound like a bit of a scaredy cat and perhaps I am. After all, I hate conflict with a passion. I think my partner would be surprised to read that, as I am always contradicting him and giving him a hard time - "riding" him, in his own words, although that was only said out loud once. I suppose it's safe for me to have conflict with someone like my partner who I know loves and accepts me and usually accepts my sincere apologies.
I wonder when my sincere apologies won't be enough?
Showing posts with label neurosis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label neurosis. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
The Best Laid Plans
Okay, so none of that happened last night, but we did purchase a Yakima dry dock and saddles for our kayak transportation needs (which we'll hopefully use this weekend!) and got to see some good friends afterwards (with whom I hope to spend some time this weekend and with whom we're camping next weekend!). That was nice, although the high I've been on since I passed my exams needs a house-cleaning outlet. I can feel my nerves growing! I may have to clean tonight after my event even though I have to work early tomorrow!
I should have cleaned this morning, but got distracted by A & E, no not the channel (we don't do cable), but the people - first, A joined me upstairs and then E called after A had gone off to work, so I spent much of my early starting morning with them. I did, however, get some things done today, including:
I should have cleaned this morning, but got distracted by A & E, no not the channel (we don't do cable), but the people - first, A joined me upstairs and then E called after A had gone off to work, so I spent much of my early starting morning with them. I did, however, get some things done today, including:
- ordering my birth certificate long distance
- calling several patients that I need to follow up with
- getting all the things collected that I need for my event tonight
- sending several letters that needed to go out in the mail
- picking up dry dog food and raw meat to make fresh dog food
- getting fingerprinted for my licensing application
So, I'm heading off for some prep time at my event location, giving the talk/demo and then heading home as soon as possible. Maybe I shouldn't be drinking coffee these days - I think it just makes the mania stronger.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Change is A Foot
Amidst all of the wacky family time with A's parents and sister, I realized/remembered that "oh yeah, in addition to honoring them as family and making sure they are comfortable as guests, I need to honor myself and make sure I am comfortable!" Okay, okay, nothing profound in that...or is there? I think for people, okay, for me, that it's all too easy to forget myself, to put my own priorities in the realm of wishes, to be uncomfortable for some ideal of the greater good when it's really not only unnecessary, but also ultimately unhelpful. That quote about hiding out light under a bushel comes to mind.
This doesn't mean that I am purely individualistic, but rather that I can no longer abide not taking care of my needs. No one else is doing it for me (nor should they). A long time ago, a devout Muslim friend asked me who should I love above all else. Wanting to impress him with my own spirituality and not even thinking about the question, I answered, "God." He corrected me and reminded me that one cannot love another, even God, without first loving oneself. I love myself, but like a lover you take for granted, I haven't been very loving with myself. So, I decided to make some changes, to think about what I really need and what I really want in making decisions, to let important self care aspects be just what I do, and to let myself shine.
Not sure how that's really been working out for me this week - it's definitely easier to pursue these changes in the regularity of a daily schedule, without guests, without extra lectures several evenings of the week and without financial concerns, but I think even the mindset has allowed me to be compassionate instead of resentful, resolute instead of aggressive and genuine in my emotional expression rather than fake with myself, my partner and those around me.
Let's see how we go with a new week coming on.
This doesn't mean that I am purely individualistic, but rather that I can no longer abide not taking care of my needs. No one else is doing it for me (nor should they). A long time ago, a devout Muslim friend asked me who should I love above all else. Wanting to impress him with my own spirituality and not even thinking about the question, I answered, "God." He corrected me and reminded me that one cannot love another, even God, without first loving oneself. I love myself, but like a lover you take for granted, I haven't been very loving with myself. So, I decided to make some changes, to think about what I really need and what I really want in making decisions, to let important self care aspects be just what I do, and to let myself shine.
Not sure how that's really been working out for me this week - it's definitely easier to pursue these changes in the regularity of a daily schedule, without guests, without extra lectures several evenings of the week and without financial concerns, but I think even the mindset has allowed me to be compassionate instead of resentful, resolute instead of aggressive and genuine in my emotional expression rather than fake with myself, my partner and those around me.
Let's see how we go with a new week coming on.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
The Key to Good Relationships is...Less Communicating?
The other day, I told E, "We need to hang up - we're just making stuff up now." We weren't literally making things up, but we were making up things to talk about...bringing things up in the conversation that were inconsequential and irrelevant just to keep talking. E and I have been known to speak on the phone for hours at a time and often laugh about how much worse/better/more it was when we lived together - at that time, a quick bathroom break or a night of sleep would be just enough time apart to catch our breaths and come up with even more to talk about!
Lately, we've been having a harder time finding time to actually talk on the phone, so we've started leaving each other long voicemail messages...by long, I mean that the voicemail system actually cuts us off because we have "exceeded the time allowed..."
...and then we sometimes call right back and keep talking...
...for as many as 4 messages worth. That's about 20 minutes of voicemail. I like to blame E for this situation, because, let's face it, the girl can talk! But I am equally culpable for it and may, in fact, have started it, because I have a minimum 30 minute commute each way every day to work. I have tried to curtail this lately - I suggested we try emailing one another a couple of times a day instead - but you know it's gotten out of hand when you have to state that the RULE (as opposed to the exception thereto) is that you listen to one anther's messages when you can and that they are not important unless we text one another otherwise. The RULE is that our messages are not important. There's something wrong with that, right?
E's step mother once told her that "The key to any successful relationship is communication." Well, in addition to my original response, which was "No shit, Sherlock," I'd like to refer to the following:
[Emphasis mine.] This, from the Zen Habits blog, which I found by Googling "best blogs" and checking out Time's 2009 Top 25 Blogs. As they say in the film industry, "I have no notes." I cannot even think of what to add to that as it is a finer summary than I could come up with. And it fully expresses my opinion of Twittering - who wants to be Tweeted for God's sake with all the other electronic/media/noisy chatter filling up our lives already?! So, dear friends and readers, enjoy the silence.
Lately, we've been having a harder time finding time to actually talk on the phone, so we've started leaving each other long voicemail messages...by long, I mean that the voicemail system actually cuts us off because we have "exceeded the time allowed..."
...and then we sometimes call right back and keep talking...
...for as many as 4 messages worth. That's about 20 minutes of voicemail. I like to blame E for this situation, because, let's face it, the girl can talk! But I am equally culpable for it and may, in fact, have started it, because I have a minimum 30 minute commute each way every day to work. I have tried to curtail this lately - I suggested we try emailing one another a couple of times a day instead - but you know it's gotten out of hand when you have to state that the RULE (as opposed to the exception thereto) is that you listen to one anther's messages when you can and that they are not important unless we text one another otherwise. The RULE is that our messages are not important. There's something wrong with that, right?
E's step mother once told her that "The key to any successful relationship is communication." Well, in addition to my original response, which was "No shit, Sherlock," I'd like to refer to the following:
Do Less communicating. Less talking, less yelling, less arguing, less emails and IM and Twittering, less phone calling. While I think communication is extremely important, and should be one of the keys to any relationship, I also think we do it too much. Especially as most of it becomes nothing but jabbering at each other, with very little actual listening. It is noise. Let silence into your life. Let stillness pervade our minds. When you do communicate, make it count, make it sincere, and more than you talk, listen. Make every email count. Only IM when it’s necessary. Spend less time on the phone and Twitter and Blackberry and iPhone, and more time with humans, more time with yourself, more time in the present.
[Emphasis mine.] This, from the Zen Habits blog, which I found by Googling "best blogs" and checking out Time's 2009 Top 25 Blogs. As they say in the film industry, "I have no notes." I cannot even think of what to add to that as it is a finer summary than I could come up with. And it fully expresses my opinion of Twittering - who wants to be Tweeted for God's sake with all the other electronic/media/noisy chatter filling up our lives already?! So, dear friends and readers, enjoy the silence.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Not the Boss of Me
When I was little and my brothers and I would fight, we could often be heard shouting back and forth, "You're not the boss of me!" It's funny how this keeps coming up. People bossing me about is probably one of the things I dislike most in this world and it's still one of the things that causes me to react with old patterns and sometimes (often) to my own detriment.
At my clinic, one of my partners has pretty strong opinions and boundaries, resulting many times in the rest of us going along with his ideas. Whenever I complain about him, the complaint often includes reminding myself and whomever I'm speaking with that, "he's not my boss, he's my partner."
At home, I can't stand it when A tells me what to do, despite the fact that most of the time, I'm happy to help him and take care of him. The worst is when he rushes me - it's not just the rushing, but it's the being on his timeline.
Happily, at the market, I work with/for a new manager in a very egalitarian setting. In some ways, she very little like a boss/manager as she usually doesn't have to tell me what to do and rarely has to manage me. In fact, one day, she even told me she wished I were her boss! Not something you should ever say to your employees, but I took it as a compliment, nonetheless.
Well, today, another woman I work with asked me to do two things and it tripped my trigger. The first is something I do every Sunday, so she could have guessed I would be doing it any moment. The second involved making a change to the first. It bugged me because I felt like she was bossing me and also because her second request was incorrect - that is, she asked for me to do X when I really needed to do Y. Instead of telling me there was an xyz problem, she tried to tell me to do the solution as if she knew my job better than me.
I didn't do anything, I didn't say anything, but I am still feeling slightly bugged and it just reminds me of all the other "bossing" events that happen that make me feel bugged. I'm hoping writing will help me just let it go. Put it in a bubble and blow it away.
At my clinic, one of my partners has pretty strong opinions and boundaries, resulting many times in the rest of us going along with his ideas. Whenever I complain about him, the complaint often includes reminding myself and whomever I'm speaking with that, "he's not my boss, he's my partner."
At home, I can't stand it when A tells me what to do, despite the fact that most of the time, I'm happy to help him and take care of him. The worst is when he rushes me - it's not just the rushing, but it's the being on his timeline.
Happily, at the market, I work with/for a new manager in a very egalitarian setting. In some ways, she very little like a boss/manager as she usually doesn't have to tell me what to do and rarely has to manage me. In fact, one day, she even told me she wished I were her boss! Not something you should ever say to your employees, but I took it as a compliment, nonetheless.
Well, today, another woman I work with asked me to do two things and it tripped my trigger. The first is something I do every Sunday, so she could have guessed I would be doing it any moment. The second involved making a change to the first. It bugged me because I felt like she was bossing me and also because her second request was incorrect - that is, she asked for me to do X when I really needed to do Y. Instead of telling me there was an xyz problem, she tried to tell me to do the solution as if she knew my job better than me.
I didn't do anything, I didn't say anything, but I am still feeling slightly bugged and it just reminds me of all the other "bossing" events that happen that make me feel bugged. I'm hoping writing will help me just let it go. Put it in a bubble and blow it away.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Must Be Nice...
One many snarkish phrases that I've said more often than I would like in my life, "that must be nice" is one that has me thinking a lot lately. I'm sitting at a coffee shop with A. We're both doing research and writing presentations for our work. And a musician has just started playing.
And I thought, "wow, it must be nice to just write music and perform for work."
Revealing, no?
Lot of assumptions there - that writing music and performing it is easy or easier than other work, for one - but also a sad commentary on my own life. Must be nice implies must be nicer than what I am/do/have which relates to a level of dissatisfaction with what I am/do/have. And there is some (sometimes much) of that, but also there is a lot that I appreciate or even take for granted that someone else might "must be nice" me about.
I think one of the things that I realized when I thought "must be nice" about this singer is that it must be nice to be doing creative work that he loves. In between songs, this late 20's singer-songwriter revealed that he works at a movie theater and burned himself on some popcorn. Wow, that's not so nice. I wouldn't want to work at the movie theater and I bet they don't pay that well. But he's just doing what he needs to do to support himself while he does create.
And I hope I can remember that when I'm doing all the daily mundane tasks at my clinic or when I'm working my side job at the market - I'm doing all of this so that I can have the time and space and health to be present with my patients and help them on their healing journey, which is the creative, psycho-spiritual, energetic and physical work that I love and it's worth it. Just like it's worth him working at the movie theater and getting burned by popcorn when he has a beautiful voice and creative spirit.
Revealing, no?
Lot of assumptions there - that writing music and performing it is easy or easier than other work, for one - but also a sad commentary on my own life. Must be nice implies must be nicer than what I am/do/have which relates to a level of dissatisfaction with what I am/do/have. And there is some (sometimes much) of that, but also there is a lot that I appreciate or even take for granted that someone else might "must be nice" me about.
I think one of the things that I realized when I thought "must be nice" about this singer is that it must be nice to be doing creative work that he loves. In between songs, this late 20's singer-songwriter revealed that he works at a movie theater and burned himself on some popcorn. Wow, that's not so nice. I wouldn't want to work at the movie theater and I bet they don't pay that well. But he's just doing what he needs to do to support himself while he does create.
And I hope I can remember that when I'm doing all the daily mundane tasks at my clinic or when I'm working my side job at the market - I'm doing all of this so that I can have the time and space and health to be present with my patients and help them on their healing journey, which is the creative, psycho-spiritual, energetic and physical work that I love and it's worth it. Just like it's worth him working at the movie theater and getting burned by popcorn when he has a beautiful voice and creative spirit.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Inspiration x 2
My partner has been studying for a certification exam for the last several months and today, he took it and passed it with a perfect score! I'm so proud of him and find myself feeling particularly inspired to get on with my own board exams.
Not only was his example inspiring, but I was also inspired by my own reaction to it. I was happy for him. Can you tell that I bolded that period? I'm stressing that because that was it - that was my reaction. I was just happy for him. Okay, that and proud of him and inspired. Not jealous, not guilty, not snarky, not sad, not taking it personal, just happy. And that's something kind of new for me.
After the fact, I kind of remembered, "oh yeah, I would normally take this really personally and be upset with myself" for not passing my board exam, for not studying enough for it then or now, for not having it scheduled or having a plan. But I saw that come up, after I'd already noted how happy I was for him, and I just let it go. I just chose not to have that reaction and to just be happy for him and inspired to get back on track with my own exam.
And this is the second time that something like this has happened. When I found out that my good friend was pregnant, something I'd been dreading for the pain I anticipated it causing me, I was also just happy. For her and her husband, of course, but also for me! I get to meet another new human being and potentially be a part of his or her life for a long time. Again, after the fact, I realized that I could feel some pain about this, but I just didn't want to. I wanted to be happy about it.
I had thought about using CHOOSE as my word for 2009, which would really have fit in well for this, but I do think that my dancing is helping me choose happiness, because I feel so good when I'm dancing that it does spill out into other arenas of my life. So, I'm going to keep choosing happiness and keep dancing.
Not only was his example inspiring, but I was also inspired by my own reaction to it. I was happy for him. Can you tell that I bolded that period? I'm stressing that because that was it - that was my reaction. I was just happy for him. Okay, that and proud of him and inspired. Not jealous, not guilty, not snarky, not sad, not taking it personal, just happy. And that's something kind of new for me.
After the fact, I kind of remembered, "oh yeah, I would normally take this really personally and be upset with myself" for not passing my board exam, for not studying enough for it then or now, for not having it scheduled or having a plan. But I saw that come up, after I'd already noted how happy I was for him, and I just let it go. I just chose not to have that reaction and to just be happy for him and inspired to get back on track with my own exam.
And this is the second time that something like this has happened. When I found out that my good friend was pregnant, something I'd been dreading for the pain I anticipated it causing me, I was also just happy. For her and her husband, of course, but also for me! I get to meet another new human being and potentially be a part of his or her life for a long time. Again, after the fact, I realized that I could feel some pain about this, but I just didn't want to. I wanted to be happy about it.
I had thought about using CHOOSE as my word for 2009, which would really have fit in well for this, but I do think that my dancing is helping me choose happiness, because I feel so good when I'm dancing that it does spill out into other arenas of my life. So, I'm going to keep choosing happiness and keep dancing.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Just. Keep. Breathing.
In my dance class, as in life, I keep breathing. I may not be breathing particularly well, but with or without my own volition, I'm going to keep doing it, breathing, that is. In addition to own particular brand of crazy, my life has been affected a lot lately by the relatively recent development of roller coaster ups and downs in my partner.
We were planning a vacation to Hawaii UP
but we decided to cancel, because of the layoff DOWN and DOWN
We might move somewhere exciting like Phoenix or China UP
but we might move somewhere really cold where I'm not licensable DOWN
We'll still take a vacation UP
but we'll probably go to a ski resort DOWN (I don't ski, I hate snow and I hate being cold)
Let's go out to dinner UP
but he doesn't know where he wants to go or what he wants to eat DOWN
Yesterday after work, I just felt wiped out and I couldn't figure out why. It was easy to point to a few proximal causes, but I think it's ultimately that there is just a friggin' lot going on at the moment. Every reason I state is true, but there is more underlying - I'm just exhausted. I wish I could say that I'm looking forward to getting some rest this week, but I'm working an extra day, so I won't actually get any time off until Friday, so I guess I'll just keep breathing, count to 10 and try to make it to the end of the week.
We were planning a vacation to Hawaii UP
but we decided to cancel, because of the layoff DOWN and DOWN
We might move somewhere exciting like Phoenix or China UP
but we might move somewhere really cold where I'm not licensable DOWN
We'll still take a vacation UP
but we'll probably go to a ski resort DOWN (I don't ski, I hate snow and I hate being cold)
Let's go out to dinner UP
but he doesn't know where he wants to go or what he wants to eat DOWN
Yesterday after work, I just felt wiped out and I couldn't figure out why. It was easy to point to a few proximal causes, but I think it's ultimately that there is just a friggin' lot going on at the moment. Every reason I state is true, but there is more underlying - I'm just exhausted. I wish I could say that I'm looking forward to getting some rest this week, but I'm working an extra day, so I won't actually get any time off until Friday, so I guess I'll just keep breathing, count to 10 and try to make it to the end of the week.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Weird Habits of the Obsessive Compulsive
Everybody has a little OCD in them - A liked the kitchen counters wiped down regularly, my mom washes her hands a lot and I...gulp...shave fabrics. Yes, I shave fabrics. You know those little fuzz busters you get for clothes? Well, when I first moved here, my male roommate had one. His girlfriend and I made fun of him unmercifully, but it's true that his sweaters always looked very nice.
Fast forward a few years later - some friends of mine did a really cool thing for my birthday - they all chipped in to give me some money and took me to the outlet mall where I was set loose to buy some things I'd always wanted. What do you know but that I bought my first fuzz buster. I loved it - I used it all the time and discovered that not only was it good for sweaters, but sometimes dress pants "pill," socks occasionally need a shave and that nothing is nicer than shaved sheets - okay, probably really expensive sheets never need a shave, but I like my sheets and they are oh so much softer after I shave all those little pills off.
That first buster died or the batteries died in it - I'll never know who went first (there was a big mess in the battery compartment), but after the move, I discovered that it was no longer working and it took me months to find a new one. Never you mind that that was in part because someone, who shall remain nameless (A), told me that Fred Meyer didn't carry them. Fred Meyer does carry them, though to my surprise, I could not find one at Target. What the heck, Target?
So, I'm reunited with my love of busting fuzz and believe me, it's very satisfying. I've already cleaned up most of my wardrobe and started on the bed the other night. Unfortunately, A was in the bed and told me to get myself and my wackadoo appliance OUT! Well, my side of the bed is done at any rate and the sheets feel oh so smooth. :)
Fast forward a few years later - some friends of mine did a really cool thing for my birthday - they all chipped in to give me some money and took me to the outlet mall where I was set loose to buy some things I'd always wanted. What do you know but that I bought my first fuzz buster. I loved it - I used it all the time and discovered that not only was it good for sweaters, but sometimes dress pants "pill," socks occasionally need a shave and that nothing is nicer than shaved sheets - okay, probably really expensive sheets never need a shave, but I like my sheets and they are oh so much softer after I shave all those little pills off.
That first buster died or the batteries died in it - I'll never know who went first (there was a big mess in the battery compartment), but after the move, I discovered that it was no longer working and it took me months to find a new one. Never you mind that that was in part because someone, who shall remain nameless (A), told me that Fred Meyer didn't carry them. Fred Meyer does carry them, though to my surprise, I could not find one at Target. What the heck, Target?
So, I'm reunited with my love of busting fuzz and believe me, it's very satisfying. I've already cleaned up most of my wardrobe and started on the bed the other night. Unfortunately, A was in the bed and told me to get myself and my wackadoo appliance OUT! Well, my side of the bed is done at any rate and the sheets feel oh so smooth. :)
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Freaking Out
It's easy to make blanket statements, it's easy to make assumptions, and it's easy to freak out. That doesn't make it any fun. And just because someone else is wrong doesn't make you right. It's been a weird week and yesterday, my day off, spent with A and his sister and brother in law, was the weirdest. I just got into a huge funk. There are reasons and I certainly wanted, sought and received collusion about those reasons, but in the end, none of that matters.
What matters to me is that I made myself miserable, made other people uncomfortable, worried my partner, worried myself and didn't know how to get out of the downward spiral that had started the night before. At one point, when I started traveling on that spiral staircase, I remembered my word and I breathed deeply and whispered "dance" into all the hidden corners of my mind and "dance" into all the fearful places of my heart and it really helped. But I didn't remember or didn't do that every time and the funk set in.
Now that I've had some time alone and a good night's sleep, I almost can't remember the funk ... almost ... and that says a lot about what I need to do to take care of myself. I think taking an "It's just what I do" attitude about my needs is essential - I need some time alone, I need a clear plan for the day, I need enough sleep and I need expressions of love and appreciation. I also think I would do well to cultivate some flexibility and humor in situations over which I don't really need to have control or the RIGHT answers. And I think I need a complaining bracelet to help me stop being such a negative Nancy all the time! [You move the bracelet to your other wrist every time you complain - it helps you notice all the complaints you're making.]
On the other hand, I also think I need to explore the issues that came up that have some validity, like power differentials, my relationship with money, how I want to be treated by my partner, how to ask for what I want or need, cultural differences and what I want for my home. Though the timing was off and the funk was uncomfortable, it's a good reminder to keep traveling on the path.
What matters to me is that I made myself miserable, made other people uncomfortable, worried my partner, worried myself and didn't know how to get out of the downward spiral that had started the night before. At one point, when I started traveling on that spiral staircase, I remembered my word and I breathed deeply and whispered "dance" into all the hidden corners of my mind and "dance" into all the fearful places of my heart and it really helped. But I didn't remember or didn't do that every time and the funk set in.
Now that I've had some time alone and a good night's sleep, I almost can't remember the funk ... almost ... and that says a lot about what I need to do to take care of myself. I think taking an "It's just what I do" attitude about my needs is essential - I need some time alone, I need a clear plan for the day, I need enough sleep and I need expressions of love and appreciation. I also think I would do well to cultivate some flexibility and humor in situations over which I don't really need to have control or the RIGHT answers. And I think I need a complaining bracelet to help me stop being such a negative Nancy all the time! [You move the bracelet to your other wrist every time you complain - it helps you notice all the complaints you're making.]
On the other hand, I also think I need to explore the issues that came up that have some validity, like power differentials, my relationship with money, how I want to be treated by my partner, how to ask for what I want or need, cultural differences and what I want for my home. Though the timing was off and the funk was uncomfortable, it's a good reminder to keep traveling on the path.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Emergency Contact
It's so weird. I'm leaving town for a week and I'm making all these arrangements for emergency contacts and what to do IF. I was even thinking of putting an alternate greeting on my phone message and turning on vacation notification on my email. That seems a bit extreme given that I'm only gone for a week. Everyone in my office knows I won't be checking my email (and I get few external emails on that account that require a response), my family knows I'm not reachable and my friends probably all think I'm already gone given that I've been talking about this trip for months! I remember when I up and went to Germany on short notice and almost forgot to tell my parents. Oh, how times have changed.
Worked my monthly early shift today, so I've had a nice long afternoon on the computer to get caught up on emails, reading blogs, paying bills online and other WWW miscellanea. I was surprised by how actually little there was to do. Thanks to Blogspot following, I have been keeping up on blogs of interest; I pre-scheduled most of my bill payments and there wasn't much needed doing in email. So...I guess it's going to be okay. My electronic and physical worlds will not fall apart due to my stepping behind the curtain for 8 days. And that's kind of weird.
It's that strange self-centeredness that humans (living beings?) exhibit - the world revolves around us...I don't think this is a bad thing, seems actually quite healthy that one should be the center of their own world. But, when something like this vacation shakes things up a little and we realize that how much bigger the world is and how small our part of it is...it's humbling. And exhilarating in a way. Puts all my little stressors into perspective. Time will not cease to exist as we know it if I don't do the dishes one evening (okay, for a week or more), the world financial structure will not crack if Chibo's nails grow a little long (or maybe that's really what's going on?) and the cure for hunger, poverty or war will not be missed by a hair's breadth because I wasn't here at a crucial moment.
Well, maybe something like that would happen, because we are all intricately connected, but I think it'll be okay to take a vacation. At least this once. Wowser, start down that line of thinking and it's all spirals and concentric circles. I need to sit down before I fall down or I'll be dealing with one of those IFs and calling my emergency contact before I've even left!
Worked my monthly early shift today, so I've had a nice long afternoon on the computer to get caught up on emails, reading blogs, paying bills online and other WWW miscellanea. I was surprised by how actually little there was to do. Thanks to Blogspot following, I have been keeping up on blogs of interest; I pre-scheduled most of my bill payments and there wasn't much needed doing in email. So...I guess it's going to be okay. My electronic and physical worlds will not fall apart due to my stepping behind the curtain for 8 days. And that's kind of weird.
It's that strange self-centeredness that humans (living beings?) exhibit - the world revolves around us...I don't think this is a bad thing, seems actually quite healthy that one should be the center of their own world. But, when something like this vacation shakes things up a little and we realize that how much bigger the world is and how small our part of it is...it's humbling. And exhilarating in a way. Puts all my little stressors into perspective. Time will not cease to exist as we know it if I don't do the dishes one evening (okay, for a week or more), the world financial structure will not crack if Chibo's nails grow a little long (or maybe that's really what's going on?) and the cure for hunger, poverty or war will not be missed by a hair's breadth because I wasn't here at a crucial moment.
Well, maybe something like that would happen, because we are all intricately connected, but I think it'll be okay to take a vacation. At least this once. Wowser, start down that line of thinking and it's all spirals and concentric circles. I need to sit down before I fall down or I'll be dealing with one of those IFs and calling my emergency contact before I've even left!
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Things That Haven't Happened...Yet?
I totally lost it yesterday. No costume, no make up, no candy (okay, I did eat one 'fun pack' of M and M's) and no parties. I got myself worked up in such a state that I spent much of the evening in tears and sent A to party alone. Alone at home with Chibo, I didn't even answer the door when our outside lights turned back on (on timer) and we got some late Trick-or-Treaters.
What the heck? Why? What was so upsetting? I don't know, but I know it started much earlier in the day as I could feel anxiety rising while I was still about my business before I even headed home to get dressed. I was speaking to a friend in the car on the way home and I told her that I was aware that I was manifesting this bad time with all the dread I was feeling. She pointed out that I was upset about things that haven't even happened yet. That is interesting.
I was upset about things that haven't even happened yet.
Not only had they not happened, but it was possible they wouldn't happen. It was entirely possible that the things I had envisioned or thought of either consciously or unconsciously would not ever happen, let alone having not even happened yet. But I was just as upset, sad, angry and anxious as if they had already happened. I already felt berated, beat up, left out, less than, ugly, unwitty and taken for granted when in fact, I had every reason to feel supported, cherished, included, valued, respected and fun.
By staying home, I certainly prevented the worst of my projected unpleasantness, the things that hadn't happened yet, from happening. If I lived alone and had no partner, this wouldn't have been a problem for anyone else - maybe friends would miss me, but when I saw them again as my normal contented self, they would be none the wiser and no feelings would have been hurt by my responding to things that haven't happened yet. But I live with A and he was hoping to spend a fun evening together. Though I'm sure he had fun, he was very disappointed that I didn't go and then he started wondering about things that haven't happened yet, such as my future refusals to go to parties, because of the various reasons I gave to try to explain my disquiet.
This, I think, is the gift of Buddhist practice - being in the moment, you don't hold on to the past or project the future. Things that haven't happened yet have no bearing on the moment. I need practice with this, because every day my decisions and emotions are influenced by things that haven't happened yet. The more I consider this, the clearer it becomes that these things have a strong influence in my life - I can become a weeping mess over the death of a loved one that hasn't happened yet within moments, I prepare for confrontations that I imagine happening that never materialize and I get myself in these anxious states because of imagined slights, attacks, disrespects and situations that leave me feeling powerless.
Besides practicing being in the moment, I think an important next step is to examine the pieces of these imagined things that haven't happened yet and see why they would be so upsetting to me and how I could develop myself so that they aren't. That sounds a bit like preparing myself for confrontations that never materialize, a practice I'm already more than familiar enough with, but what I mean is something different. What I mean is to figure out what I feel that allows me to project these imagined scenarios, such as feeling powerless or disrespected, and determine if there are social skills to develop or conversations to have to ensure I'm feeling in control of my own destiny or respected in the present moment. Because these imagined scenarios can really only reflect the reality going on right now.
And right now, I'm feeling determined to be more clear about why I do or do not want to do things, to respect my own desires to be in certain environments and to allow myself the freedom of entering situations without manifesting my own pre-meditated resentments and negativities.
What the heck? Why? What was so upsetting? I don't know, but I know it started much earlier in the day as I could feel anxiety rising while I was still about my business before I even headed home to get dressed. I was speaking to a friend in the car on the way home and I told her that I was aware that I was manifesting this bad time with all the dread I was feeling. She pointed out that I was upset about things that haven't even happened yet. That is interesting.
I was upset about things that haven't even happened yet.
Not only had they not happened, but it was possible they wouldn't happen. It was entirely possible that the things I had envisioned or thought of either consciously or unconsciously would not ever happen, let alone having not even happened yet. But I was just as upset, sad, angry and anxious as if they had already happened. I already felt berated, beat up, left out, less than, ugly, unwitty and taken for granted when in fact, I had every reason to feel supported, cherished, included, valued, respected and fun.
By staying home, I certainly prevented the worst of my projected unpleasantness, the things that hadn't happened yet, from happening. If I lived alone and had no partner, this wouldn't have been a problem for anyone else - maybe friends would miss me, but when I saw them again as my normal contented self, they would be none the wiser and no feelings would have been hurt by my responding to things that haven't happened yet. But I live with A and he was hoping to spend a fun evening together. Though I'm sure he had fun, he was very disappointed that I didn't go and then he started wondering about things that haven't happened yet, such as my future refusals to go to parties, because of the various reasons I gave to try to explain my disquiet.
This, I think, is the gift of Buddhist practice - being in the moment, you don't hold on to the past or project the future. Things that haven't happened yet have no bearing on the moment. I need practice with this, because every day my decisions and emotions are influenced by things that haven't happened yet. The more I consider this, the clearer it becomes that these things have a strong influence in my life - I can become a weeping mess over the death of a loved one that hasn't happened yet within moments, I prepare for confrontations that I imagine happening that never materialize and I get myself in these anxious states because of imagined slights, attacks, disrespects and situations that leave me feeling powerless.
Besides practicing being in the moment, I think an important next step is to examine the pieces of these imagined things that haven't happened yet and see why they would be so upsetting to me and how I could develop myself so that they aren't. That sounds a bit like preparing myself for confrontations that never materialize, a practice I'm already more than familiar enough with, but what I mean is something different. What I mean is to figure out what I feel that allows me to project these imagined scenarios, such as feeling powerless or disrespected, and determine if there are social skills to develop or conversations to have to ensure I'm feeling in control of my own destiny or respected in the present moment. Because these imagined scenarios can really only reflect the reality going on right now.
And right now, I'm feeling determined to be more clear about why I do or do not want to do things, to respect my own desires to be in certain environments and to allow myself the freedom of entering situations without manifesting my own pre-meditated resentments and negativities.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Every Friggin Day
My friends from DC were here since Wednesday and I spent every evening with them. Wednesday night, we met for dinner and planned to see a show. When showtime turned out to be 11 instead of 9, we all admitted that the show was just a great way to choose the venue and we were there for the company anyways. Thursday, I went to a game night to see them and was disappointed that I didn't get them all to myself, but practiced my sharing skills and eventually got to play with my friends again. Friday, typical date night, we had dinner and a movie. Delicious middle eastern food and Burn After Reading. And, finally, Saturday, visits to my and E's shops and some rice pudding, hugs and tears as we said goodbye. I had told them I was keeping my schedule open to spend as much time as possible with them while they were here, but never expected it to work out that way.
It was wonderful to spend some time with them, but I definitely was feeling my routine blown a bit. Yesterday, I came home after work and got several hours to putz around the house before meeting them and that was great. So now I find myself wondering about things I do every day and things I don't. I recently set a goal to take and post (to a different site) one photograph every day. My first day was easy, that was the day I set the goal and the goal came after the first photo which was really cool and jumped out at me on its own. The second day, no photo, but I posted one on the third day and pre-dated it the second day. Since then (4 days later), no photos taken or posted. Maybe that has something to do with how I did spend the last 4 days, but I also think it's a goal-setting issue that I have.
I set high goals - realistically or not - of doing certain things perfectly. Post a photo everyday, and make sure it's a good one. Give up soda pop everyday for a month. Do X, Y or Z consistently or everyday. When I miss a day or mess up, I have trouble continuing - this, of course, is the curse of perfectionism. One can't actually live up to the perfectionist ideal that exists only in our heads, so we do nothing. I think that's one reason I actually blog so much - it's easy to blog everyday or regularly because I don't consider this a priority, I don't try to write anything particularly deep or well, and I don't feel obligated either way to write or not write. It's just something fun for fun.
I think goals are important and wouldn't want to be without goals, but I think this is worth thinking about some more. Perhaps I would do better with hobbie-related goals that are about attaining a skill or skill level or trying something new rather than about consistency, especially since my schedule is so packed with work. So, my modified photography goals is to take and post photos on that other site from time to time. And my modified fun goal is to have some, every day. Oops, I did it again.
It was wonderful to spend some time with them, but I definitely was feeling my routine blown a bit. Yesterday, I came home after work and got several hours to putz around the house before meeting them and that was great. So now I find myself wondering about things I do every day and things I don't. I recently set a goal to take and post (to a different site) one photograph every day. My first day was easy, that was the day I set the goal and the goal came after the first photo which was really cool and jumped out at me on its own. The second day, no photo, but I posted one on the third day and pre-dated it the second day. Since then (4 days later), no photos taken or posted. Maybe that has something to do with how I did spend the last 4 days, but I also think it's a goal-setting issue that I have.
I set high goals - realistically or not - of doing certain things perfectly. Post a photo everyday, and make sure it's a good one. Give up soda pop everyday for a month. Do X, Y or Z consistently or everyday. When I miss a day or mess up, I have trouble continuing - this, of course, is the curse of perfectionism. One can't actually live up to the perfectionist ideal that exists only in our heads, so we do nothing. I think that's one reason I actually blog so much - it's easy to blog everyday or regularly because I don't consider this a priority, I don't try to write anything particularly deep or well, and I don't feel obligated either way to write or not write. It's just something fun for fun.
I think goals are important and wouldn't want to be without goals, but I think this is worth thinking about some more. Perhaps I would do better with hobbie-related goals that are about attaining a skill or skill level or trying something new rather than about consistency, especially since my schedule is so packed with work. So, my modified photography goals is to take and post photos on that other site from time to time. And my modified fun goal is to have some, every day. Oops, I did it again.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Another List of Ways to Improve My Outlook
"Sorry, it'll get better when..." has become a mantra for me. Mostly in my relationship with A, but also with other friends (and family?), I find myself reciting this. Things will get better when some external force in my life gets better. No. Things will get better when I decide to make it better. I have found myself promising change to my partner for months (years?) without changing anything other than the excuse and I'm fairly ashamed of myself. Not deep-shame-ashamed, but embarrassed-ashamed. I'm constantly encouraging A to adjust and change and open up, but I think I need to change just as much (more?). So, what can I do? This is what I can do:
1. Change my work schedule.
I've been promising to get weekends off for months (years?) and still work Saturdays. Having Sundays off is a boon and really helps, but it's the only day off and that's taking its toll on me. In October, I plan to ask for a change in my schedule. I'm not sure what that's going to look like, but my plan is to change the schedule in October, work less by January and have weekends off by next May. Stay tuned for progress.
2. Deal with stress.
I think I'm just not dealing right now. I need to develop some routines that will help me come home without carrying the stress of my jobs. The long slow drive home through the country is really nice and maybe starting going to the gym (next week?) again will help. Walking the dog is a nice activity, as is working and cooking in the kitchen.
3. Apologize for my mistakes and not make excuses.
First it was being in school, then it was studying for boards, then it was opening my business, lately it's been the move and now it's not being settled (unpacked). These are all perfectly good reasons to have stress, but not good reasons for treating my partner like crap. I have been a bitch sometimes and need to acknowledge that, apologize for it sincerely and try not to let it happen again.
5. I need to lighten up and have some fun!
A really likes getting out and being social. I remember when I did, too, but lately even playing seems like work. I think I need to have some real fun with my close friends so I remember that I like playing with others.
6. Eat, sleep, move.
Okay, it's not as catchy or as new age as Eat, Pray, Love, but we all gotta do those things, too.
Okay, I'm moving now...moving straight away from this computer.
1. Change my work schedule.
I've been promising to get weekends off for months (years?) and still work Saturdays. Having Sundays off is a boon and really helps, but it's the only day off and that's taking its toll on me. In October, I plan to ask for a change in my schedule. I'm not sure what that's going to look like, but my plan is to change the schedule in October, work less by January and have weekends off by next May. Stay tuned for progress.
2. Deal with stress.
I think I'm just not dealing right now. I need to develop some routines that will help me come home without carrying the stress of my jobs. The long slow drive home through the country is really nice and maybe starting going to the gym (next week?) again will help. Walking the dog is a nice activity, as is working and cooking in the kitchen.
3. Apologize for my mistakes and not make excuses.
First it was being in school, then it was studying for boards, then it was opening my business, lately it's been the move and now it's not being settled (unpacked). These are all perfectly good reasons to have stress, but not good reasons for treating my partner like crap. I have been a bitch sometimes and need to acknowledge that, apologize for it sincerely and try not to let it happen again.
5. I need to lighten up and have some fun!
A really likes getting out and being social. I remember when I did, too, but lately even playing seems like work. I think I need to have some real fun with my close friends so I remember that I like playing with others.
6. Eat, sleep, move.
Okay, it's not as catchy or as new age as Eat, Pray, Love, but we all gotta do those things, too.
Okay, I'm moving now...moving straight away from this computer.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
The Low Point
I think I hit the low point yesterday. I was so frustrated and down that I had a big crying jag - my Chinese professors were always saying that is the best way to get feeling better quickly. It releases the pent up emotions so that you are able to look at things another way. That certainly proved true for me.
I was frustrated that :
I was frustrated that :
- I'd let my boundaries go several times with the same people (not that it would be better if they were different people, but especially frustrating when it's the same people)
- I didn't feel like I was accomplishing much even though I was working really hard
- Feeling unappreciated
- Exhausted
- Dirty house
- No clothes (that fit my body or my job)
- Feeling pressured
- Feeling like a bad dog mom
- Eating crap despite a fridge full of veggies and overdrawing my acct to buy groceries
- Etc., etc., etc.
After the crying jag in which A provided exactly the support I needed ('yeah, that guy's a jerk' and 'it'll be okay'), E provided some valuable mirroring. She reminded me that:
People spend their health trying to accumulate wealth and
then spend their wealth trying to attain health.
(And then it's often too late.)
I'm not doing myself, my patients or my partners (not to mention my family and friends for whom I also want to be the happiest and healthiest me I can be) any favors by letting myself go and being constantly stressed out and overworked. In addition, it's all about attitude - when I dropped my emotional attachment to saying 'yes' to every work task that is put before me (only possible after the crying jag), I was able to look at things more objectively and just think to myself, 'no, I'm not able to do that' and 'yes, I can do that for 1 hour.' Now I just have to speak those words aloud and carry this attitude shift with me.
Today's a new day, though, and even though I said yes, I put limits on it. And I'm taking the time to make myself a healthy and delicious lunch. And I am keeping my friend-date to celebrate my buddy's birthday. And then I'm coming home and sleeping early, because 4am is an unhealthy time to have been awake today!
Friday, July 18, 2008
What She Said
Another voice that echo’s through my head is from years ago when another friend told me that she didn’t even like talking to me anymore because I was so negative. While that may have been an appropriate wake-up call at the moment, it has negatively impacted our friendship and affected other friendships since then. Our relationship has been impacted by my desire not to seem too negative to this friend. To that end, I tell her mostly funny stories and everything is always “great!” when she asks how I’m doing. Sometimes it works out for me – the ends again – and I actually feel better after focusing on what is going great, but sometimes I feel distant and fake with my friend, like she no longer knows the real me that has problems.
I also do this with other friends. And then I feel fake with them. And then I wonder if they would like me if I told them that I was still sad about losing my father or that I was annoyed with my coworkers or that I got road rage and honked my horn at some jerk today. This is not a great place to live and not the person that I want to be.
And not only that, but as much as I think I’m being fakely or forcedly positive, the more negative things leak out – you just can’t be human and keep all that stuff tucked away inside.
So, I told that original friend about my recent ‘negotiations,’ and how hurt and frustrated I was during the process. And I apologized for being negative. And she brushed that aside and told me how she wanted to hear these things. And she gave me good advice. And we organically changed the conversation to more positive things at the right time. And I feel like that goes a long way to silencing the echo of those words said so long ago that she probably doesn’t even remember saying.
I also do this with other friends. And then I feel fake with them. And then I wonder if they would like me if I told them that I was still sad about losing my father or that I was annoyed with my coworkers or that I got road rage and honked my horn at some jerk today. This is not a great place to live and not the person that I want to be.
And not only that, but as much as I think I’m being fakely or forcedly positive, the more negative things leak out – you just can’t be human and keep all that stuff tucked away inside.
So, I told that original friend about my recent ‘negotiations,’ and how hurt and frustrated I was during the process. And I apologized for being negative. And she brushed that aside and told me how she wanted to hear these things. And she gave me good advice. And we organically changed the conversation to more positive things at the right time. And I feel like that goes a long way to silencing the echo of those words said so long ago that she probably doesn’t even remember saying.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Words That Echo
Words stick with me a long time. As my memory problems stare me in the face, I am frustrated by those words that I do remember. This weekend I went kayaking with friends. R suggested that we try to load both kayaks onto one vehicle and ride together. I thought that would be just fine, but as I packed a couple bags for the day trip, I got anxious and another friend’s words echoed in my head, “you pack way too much stuff.” Okay, those weren’t her exact words, but that was the message. A few years ago, on my way home for the holidays, I stayed overnight with this friend. Her making fun of my luggage (one large suitcase, one carry-on for a week long trip) has stuck with me for years and now I’m anxious every time I pack for anything.
For this day trip, A and I each had a small bag with a towel and dry clothes (I included a book and some paddles and balls for out of the water time and A brought his camera) and I packed a cooler bag with lunch for the group. We also had our boat, gear for our boat (including seats, straps, extra rope, dry bag, and hatch cover) and our life preservers. And we used everything. And I felt justified in having brought everything. But I admitted to R that I felt anxious about it and that I would have been embarrassed if we had ridden together and had to transfer (all of) our gear to their car.
During my recent trip to the Midwest, I also focused on packing and worried about the amount of luggage I brought. In the end, I fit everything into my carry-on sized suitcase which I had to check due to liquid restrictions. But I was proud that I fit it all into one small suitcase, the same carry-on that I had taken on that trip years ago along with a large suitcase for the same length of time. I will allow that winter travel requires more space as warm clothes are often bulkier, and home for the holidays definitely means warm clothes!
Why do I pack so much? 1. For eventualities – I don’t always know exactly what I or the local weather will be doing and 2. for comfort – being away from home is always challenging to me. Even when I know A or E had taken care of Chibo and it was okay to go straight to dinner or another event after work, I would still be more comfortable to go home first. Home is my grounding station, so bringing more things along is like bringing that vibrational energy with me, allowing me to feel like home is wherever my ample suitcase lies.
I like the feeling of traveling a little lighter and I love knowing that I used everything I brought, so the result is good. I just don’t like the echo that reinforces this habit change.
For this day trip, A and I each had a small bag with a towel and dry clothes (I included a book and some paddles and balls for out of the water time and A brought his camera) and I packed a cooler bag with lunch for the group. We also had our boat, gear for our boat (including seats, straps, extra rope, dry bag, and hatch cover) and our life preservers. And we used everything. And I felt justified in having brought everything. But I admitted to R that I felt anxious about it and that I would have been embarrassed if we had ridden together and had to transfer (all of) our gear to their car.
During my recent trip to the Midwest, I also focused on packing and worried about the amount of luggage I brought. In the end, I fit everything into my carry-on sized suitcase which I had to check due to liquid restrictions. But I was proud that I fit it all into one small suitcase, the same carry-on that I had taken on that trip years ago along with a large suitcase for the same length of time. I will allow that winter travel requires more space as warm clothes are often bulkier, and home for the holidays definitely means warm clothes!
Why do I pack so much? 1. For eventualities – I don’t always know exactly what I or the local weather will be doing and 2. for comfort – being away from home is always challenging to me. Even when I know A or E had taken care of Chibo and it was okay to go straight to dinner or another event after work, I would still be more comfortable to go home first. Home is my grounding station, so bringing more things along is like bringing that vibrational energy with me, allowing me to feel like home is wherever my ample suitcase lies.
I like the feeling of traveling a little lighter and I love knowing that I used everything I brought, so the result is good. I just don’t like the echo that reinforces this habit change.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Feeling Zen... And Then...
Earlier this week, I was explaining to a friend of mine how I feel like I've recycled up a lot of the language and thought-process that I learned when I was doing some pretty intensive personal growth work. This was from about 5 years ago til about 2-3 years ago. In the intervening 2-3 years, I took what I called a practicing sabbatical from personal growth work. By the way, I don't consider 'personal growth work' a euphemism, but some would - it can mean therapy, it can mean working with a shaman, it can mean communication classes. In this instance, it means some combination of these - I spent several years working with an experiential educator who focused on sacred healing learning. Let's call her Betty, not because that is her name and not because she needs protection or anonymity, but because I like the name Betty. So, I was telling my friend that I was recycling these ideas - I read her something I'd written containing words like 'sacred,' 'co-creating,' 'intention,' and 'respect.' I said to my friend, "Isn't that so Betty?" and she replied, "No, B, it's all you."
She's right - it is me. I can own those words - they are only mine. Even with Betty's influence, I wrote that piece and it belongs to me. And then, I had to scratch my itch. The piece of writing it did is a contract of sorts or maybe a mission or vision statement. It's basically a pre-statement to the negotiation that is in progress. (In progress referring to the fact that we keep coming back to it, because it itches so much, and not to the fact that we're negotiating at this very minute - I would be a poor negotiator indeed if I blogged in the middle of a negotiation.) At any rate, I wrote that and got all kinds of zen feelings about how this was all going to work out.
And then I scratched. Until this situation resolves, one way or another, I will feel unsettled. There is also an important time element involved, so it needs to be brought up again and again until it gets resolved. But it sucks. Every time it gets brought up, I end up screaming like a banshee and or crying and sobbing. I didn't wish for my mommy, but I did cry for my daddy. Having lost my protective father and being in this situation where I wish I had a strong male ally who would take my side no matter what makes me wish for my dad more than ever, which of course just adds to my discontent and the drama of the situation.
I look forward to a resolution and to feeling zen again.
She's right - it is me. I can own those words - they are only mine. Even with Betty's influence, I wrote that piece and it belongs to me. And then, I had to scratch my itch. The piece of writing it did is a contract of sorts or maybe a mission or vision statement. It's basically a pre-statement to the negotiation that is in progress. (In progress referring to the fact that we keep coming back to it, because it itches so much, and not to the fact that we're negotiating at this very minute - I would be a poor negotiator indeed if I blogged in the middle of a negotiation.) At any rate, I wrote that and got all kinds of zen feelings about how this was all going to work out.
And then I scratched. Until this situation resolves, one way or another, I will feel unsettled. There is also an important time element involved, so it needs to be brought up again and again until it gets resolved. But it sucks. Every time it gets brought up, I end up screaming like a banshee and or crying and sobbing. I didn't wish for my mommy, but I did cry for my daddy. Having lost my protective father and being in this situation where I wish I had a strong male ally who would take my side no matter what makes me wish for my dad more than ever, which of course just adds to my discontent and the drama of the situation.
I look forward to a resolution and to feeling zen again.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
I Hate When I'm Wrong
I do. I really, really hate when I'm wrong. I don't like to be wrong. I'll argue if at all possible and have often convinced someone else that I'm right, even when I'm wrong. I'm really good at that. I'm also good at cleaning up after my mistakes so that you don't know that I erred. But this makes me crazy. No one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes. They say the best way to learn is from one's own mistakes. I have found that to be true - when I've royally screwed something up, I usually don't do it twice.
I was thinking about this in regards to children. How do you teach a child to make mistakes? It's like baseball - I went to my nephew's ball game a while back. He made a couple great plays and then his team lost. How would I support that he did a great job and then help him learn from his errors without focusing on them? I keep wanting to go back to how Jane Goodall raised her son using the chimpanzees as a model.
So, I made a big fat mistake today and the first thing I did was own up to it. And nearly had a panic attack. But I learned and now I've got help cleaning up the mess. And commiseration that my friend would have done the same thing. And an apology from the friend who (kind of) yelled at me. And I'm learning. I'm learning. I'm learning that I might need to keep talking myself down from the panic when I want to learn from my mistakes.
I was thinking about this in regards to children. How do you teach a child to make mistakes? It's like baseball - I went to my nephew's ball game a while back. He made a couple great plays and then his team lost. How would I support that he did a great job and then help him learn from his errors without focusing on them? I keep wanting to go back to how Jane Goodall raised her son using the chimpanzees as a model.
So, I made a big fat mistake today and the first thing I did was own up to it. And nearly had a panic attack. But I learned and now I've got help cleaning up the mess. And commiseration that my friend would have done the same thing. And an apology from the friend who (kind of) yelled at me. And I'm learning. I'm learning. I'm learning that I might need to keep talking myself down from the panic when I want to learn from my mistakes.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Most Annoying Thing Ever: Performance Life
I used to think the most annoying thing a person I'm walking with can do is point. I really, really, hate pointing. It's like putting on a T-shirt that says "Hi, I'm a tourist, I don't know where I am or where I'm going. I'm gullible. Take advantage of me," while wearing white sneakers. I've gotten over that a little and allowed that pointing may sometimes mean, "Wow, that's cool," and that awe is more than a little okay. I like to be awed a little everyday, so I've even been known to point a little here or there.
But I now realize that the thing annoying me most is people going about their activities as an act of performance. For example, having your conversation about going to see Billy Idol just loud enough so that you know everyone else in the cafe knows too or doing anything funny or cute and then looking around to see who noticed. Maybe I'm just a paranoid bitch, but this was happening yesterday and it annoyed the shit out of me. (Swearing loudly and often is another form of performance life. For that matter, so is blogging, so who am I to talk?)
At any rate, there was a whole lot of performance life happening in the airport yesterday that was just the icing on the cake of my end-of-vacation-rage stuffed, bad-day cake with how-could-you-say-that-to-me(?!) chips.
On the upside, on the way out to the Midwest, A and I had a spontaneously cute moment when we stepped onto adjacent moving walkways and reached across and held hands. No looking around to see if anyone was watching, no thinking about telling people how cute we are, just a tender moment that is one of the highlights of my vacation. Along with my mom's mashed potatoes, which were killer.
But I now realize that the thing annoying me most is people going about their activities as an act of performance. For example, having your conversation about going to see Billy Idol just loud enough so that you know everyone else in the cafe knows too or doing anything funny or cute and then looking around to see who noticed. Maybe I'm just a paranoid bitch, but this was happening yesterday and it annoyed the shit out of me. (Swearing loudly and often is another form of performance life. For that matter, so is blogging, so who am I to talk?)
At any rate, there was a whole lot of performance life happening in the airport yesterday that was just the icing on the cake of my end-of-vacation-rage stuffed, bad-day cake with how-could-you-say-that-to-me(?!) chips.
On the upside, on the way out to the Midwest, A and I had a spontaneously cute moment when we stepped onto adjacent moving walkways and reached across and held hands. No looking around to see if anyone was watching, no thinking about telling people how cute we are, just a tender moment that is one of the highlights of my vacation. Along with my mom's mashed potatoes, which were killer.
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