Saturday, May 16, 2009

Change is A Foot

Amidst all of the wacky family time with A's parents and sister, I realized/remembered that "oh yeah, in addition to honoring them as family and making sure they are comfortable as guests, I need to honor myself and make sure I am comfortable!" Okay, okay, nothing profound in that...or is there? I think for people, okay, for me, that it's all too easy to forget myself, to put my own priorities in the realm of wishes, to be uncomfortable for some ideal of the greater good when it's really not only unnecessary, but also ultimately unhelpful. That quote about hiding out light under a bushel comes to mind.

This doesn't mean that I am purely individualistic, but rather that I can no longer abide not taking care of my needs. No one else is doing it for me (nor should they). A long time ago, a devout Muslim friend asked me who should I love above all else. Wanting to impress him with my own spirituality and not even thinking about the question, I answered, "God." He corrected me and reminded me that one cannot love another, even God, without first loving oneself. I love myself, but like a lover you take for granted, I haven't been very loving with myself. So, I decided to make some changes, to think about what I really need and what I really want in making decisions, to let important self care aspects be just what I do, and to let myself shine.

Not sure how that's really been working out for me this week - it's definitely easier to pursue these changes in the regularity of a daily schedule, without guests, without extra lectures several evenings of the week and without financial concerns, but I think even the mindset has allowed me to be compassionate instead of resentful, resolute instead of aggressive and genuine in my emotional expression rather than fake with myself, my partner and those around me.

Let's see how we go with a new week coming on.

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