Did that really happen?

I used to have trouble telling dreams from my day world. I could fly until I was ten and got caught by a friend. Needless to say, when I approached her in my waking life and asked her not to tell anyone, she had no idea what I was talking about. That's when I realized there was a difference and sadly, that's when I stopped flying.

Last night, after dinner with friends and a single Perfect Cocktail (it really was perfection on ice), I started falling asleep in the car on the way home. I was so sleepy, but the transition between asleep in the car and getting into bed woke me up, as it usually does. My partner and I then had a conversation that I brought back up this morning, unsure if I'd fallen back to sleep in the middle of it or if we'd finished it. In any case, I thought reiterating my apology from the night before was appropriate.

But he didn't remember having that conversation. And this isn't the first time this has happened. I often feel like he's pulling my leg - like he remembers the conversation I'm referring to, but thinks it's funny to "not remember" or just doesn't want to talk about it. Or maybe he doesn't really remember - a couple weeks ago, the dog woke us up in the middle of the night barking at ghosts (I mean that literally) and we talked about it in the morning. That evening, he denied that we'd ever had that conversation or that we had just discussed him running into a mutual friend unexpectedly at the local market. He looked at me suspiciously and asked, "How do you know that?!"

I find this exhausting, but it also reminds me that night worlds have validity and reality, too. Maybe I should try to be more lucid in my dreams again? And maybe my partner and I shouldn't try to have conversations when one or both of us are falling asleep.

What She Said

Another voice that echo’s through my head is from years ago when another friend told me that she didn’t even like talking to me anymore because I was so negative. While that may have been an appropriate wake-up call at the moment, it has negatively impacted our friendship and affected other friendships since then. Our relationship has been impacted by my desire not to seem too negative to this friend. To that end, I tell her mostly funny stories and everything is always “great!” when she asks how I’m doing. Sometimes it works out for me – the ends again – and I actually feel better after focusing on what is going great, but sometimes I feel distant and fake with my friend, like she no longer knows the real me that has problems.

I also do this with other friends. And then I feel fake with them. And then I wonder if they would like me if I told them that I was still sad about losing my father or that I was annoyed with my coworkers or that I got road rage and honked my horn at some jerk today. This is not a great place to live and not the person that I want to be.

And not only that, but as much as I think I’m being fakely or forcedly positive, the more negative things leak out – you just can’t be human and keep all that stuff tucked away inside.

So, I told that original friend about my recent ‘negotiations,’ and how hurt and frustrated I was during the process. And I apologized for being negative. And she brushed that aside and told me how she wanted to hear these things. And she gave me good advice. And we organically changed the conversation to more positive things at the right time. And I feel like that goes a long way to silencing the echo of those words said so long ago that she probably doesn’t even remember saying.

Words That Echo

Words stick with me a long time. As my memory problems stare me in the face, I am frustrated by those words that I do remember. This weekend I went kayaking with friends. R suggested that we try to load both kayaks onto one vehicle and ride together. I thought that would be just fine, but as I packed a couple bags for the day trip, I got anxious and another friend’s words echoed in my head, “you pack way too much stuff.” Okay, those weren’t her exact words, but that was the message. A few years ago, on my way home for the holidays, I stayed overnight with this friend. Her making fun of my luggage (one large suitcase, one carry-on for a week long trip) has stuck with me for years and now I’m anxious every time I pack for anything.

For this day trip, A and I each had a small bag with a towel and dry clothes (I included a book and some paddles and balls for out of the water time and A brought his camera) and I packed a cooler bag with lunch for the group. We also had our boat, gear for our boat (including seats, straps, extra rope, dry bag, and hatch cover) and our life preservers. And we used everything. And I felt justified in having brought everything. But I admitted to R that I felt anxious about it and that I would have been embarrassed if we had ridden together and had to transfer (all of) our gear to their car.

During my recent trip to the Midwest, I also focused on packing and worried about the amount of luggage I brought. In the end, I fit everything into my carry-on sized suitcase which I had to check due to liquid restrictions. But I was proud that I fit it all into one small suitcase, the same carry-on that I had taken on that trip years ago along with a large suitcase for the same length of time. I will allow that winter travel requires more space as warm clothes are often bulkier, and home for the holidays definitely means warm clothes!

Why do I pack so much? 1. For eventualities – I don’t always know exactly what I or the local weather will be doing and 2. for comfort – being away from home is always challenging to me. Even when I know A or E had taken care of Chibo and it was okay to go straight to dinner or another event after work, I would still be more comfortable to go home first. Home is my grounding station, so bringing more things along is like bringing that vibrational energy with me, allowing me to feel like home is wherever my ample suitcase lies.

I like the feeling of traveling a little lighter and I love knowing that I used everything I brought, so the result is good. I just don’t like the echo that reinforces this habit change.

The Greatest Idea I Can't Remember

On my way home tonight, I had a great idea about a blog entry and now it escapes me.

That happens a lot - not just for blogging, but life in general. I tried keeping a notebook nearby, but usually I think it's such a great idea that I'll never forget it.

Some things I recently struggled to remember include:
1. why I didn't go put my check in the bank - I knew I expected to get some other money to put in with it, but couldn't remember where I thought that money was coming from
2. the word inspire - the word memory is really bad
3. where I put my favorite jeans - I started getting really mad thinking someone had taken them!
4. where I put ... and now I've forgotten what it was I was looking for in my vanity drawer today...

At least I still didn't misspell any words.

Poetry: Love

Soul Mates


How many times have I loved you
and have I loved you well?
We keep going through this together.
It's really hard to tell
to tell you how I feel today,
and how I felt last week,
how it was when you touched my hand,
or when you kissed my cheek.
If I could glimpse the memory
of where we've been before,
why and who and what and when,
it might mean even more.

We've walked upon this beach,
and danced upon the land.
Our identities were otherwise,
you the tide and I the sand.
You the tree and I your shadow,
a pair of butterflies,
yes, this is who we've been before,
all this in your blue eyes.

Our souls are older now
and closer to the light.
I'm glad that we're together still
as we move toward the night.
Over the moon or back on earth,
who knows where we might land?
Either ways the same to me,
if we go hand in hand.
Who knows how we'll be next time,
we could be leaves or faeries.
Though unique and changed again,
I'll know you by Rosemary.