I didn't know that Cotillion was a class, but according to Wikipedia and King of the Hill, it is. Watching KOTH and Bobby trying out his newly learned manners on the phone got me wondering - does caller ID eliminate the need to identify one's self when making a call?
At first, I thought maybe it did - after all, you've got a pretty good chance to know who it is.... Doesn't seem that many people identify themselves when making calls anymore anyway and maybe that's because of caller ID - after all, it's not the latest invention.
After some thought, I think this is not such a positive development, though. At work, I have caller ID on my phone, so I can see from which phone someone is calling me, but I do not know who is calling and without them identifying themselves, I have to either ask who is calling or not care.
Because I share my phone with my manager, I usually pick up the phone and answer, "This is The-B-Hive." When I call someone, usually in response to a page, I also start by saying, "Hi, this is The-B-Hive, did you page?" Even at my clinic, if I intercom from one office to another, I quickly and briefly identify myself to the other person.
And it's not just at work, but even on personal phones, especially with the use of cell phones. I've both answered and made calls from my partner and my friends' phones and people will often simply start talking assuming that I am the owner of the cell phone without waiting for me to identify myself and without identifying themselves.
I haven't had any major misunderstandings or cases of mistaken identity from someone failing to identify themselves on the phone, but I think it's one of the niceties that keeps society lubricated and flowing smoothly, like most rules of etiquette.
Showing posts with label manners. Show all posts
Showing posts with label manners. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Napkin Rings and Finger Bowls
Not just for your fancy dinner parties.
In my reading of etiquette books, I came across a couple of items, the use of which has been relegated to fancy dinners or upper crust dining in general, but which could and should be rekindled among the common folks: napkin rings and finger bowls. I found a kindred spirit today when I pointed out some napkins and tablecloths on sale to a coworker. We got to talking about napkins and napkin rings.
Napkin rings were historically used more commonly for the everyday at home dining and not used when setting a formal table. That trend seems to be reversed now and the well-dressed table has simple to ornate matching napkin rings at every place setting. Napkins rings, it turns out, when not matched, are a great way to differentiate which napkin belongs to which diner when reusing the napkin for more than one meal. I mentioned this to my friend and she remembered her parents doing that and had just been thinking of that as she was tired of washing so many apparently clean table linens.
Finger bowls are similarly considered upper crust, but usually formal meals are created to minimize the risk of mess and one does not eat with one's hands at such. On the contrary, informal family dining is more likely the place where a finger bowl would be more useful. So, if you should come to dine at my house and notice finger bowls and mismatched napkin rings on the table, please don't assume that I'm confused about my table settings - I'm just trying to keep all our hands clean!
In my reading of etiquette books, I came across a couple of items, the use of which has been relegated to fancy dinners or upper crust dining in general, but which could and should be rekindled among the common folks: napkin rings and finger bowls. I found a kindred spirit today when I pointed out some napkins and tablecloths on sale to a coworker. We got to talking about napkins and napkin rings.
Napkin rings were historically used more commonly for the everyday at home dining and not used when setting a formal table. That trend seems to be reversed now and the well-dressed table has simple to ornate matching napkin rings at every place setting. Napkins rings, it turns out, when not matched, are a great way to differentiate which napkin belongs to which diner when reusing the napkin for more than one meal. I mentioned this to my friend and she remembered her parents doing that and had just been thinking of that as she was tired of washing so many apparently clean table linens.
Finger bowls are similarly considered upper crust, but usually formal meals are created to minimize the risk of mess and one does not eat with one's hands at such. On the contrary, informal family dining is more likely the place where a finger bowl would be more useful. So, if you should come to dine at my house and notice finger bowls and mismatched napkin rings on the table, please don't assume that I'm confused about my table settings - I'm just trying to keep all our hands clean!
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Another Etiquette Guideline
Just because you feel something, doesn't mean you should say it out loud.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Quotable Me
Interest does not justify inquiry.
E and I decided that one needed to be written down. It must be all those manners books I've been reading lately. The context of this is that a friend of mine recently adopted and when I saw him today, I learned that he did not adopt a baby as I had imagined, but instead adopted 2 school aged girls from foster care. I was so moved when he explained his 'instant family,' that tears came to my eyes. I had lots of questions, as did E, but I used the above to explain why I didn't ask more of them. We aren't close confidantes, bosom buddies or family, so things that I wonder will either come out through interaction and my friend's sharing or it's okay that I don't know everything. For example, one question that never entered my mind to ask is why they are adopting - I think most people would agree that asking for personal medical information is probably rude. But asking if the girls are natural sisters or the same race as my friend and his wife fall into a bit more of a gray area. I decided to rise above my curiosity, congratulate my friend and acknowledge that the answers, while interesting, aren't really as important as what was shared, that a new family has been established.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Dear Miss Manners...
So, as the day went on at work today, my list of things to write about grew longer and longer until I was planning a full scale rant about all the things I hate about my job. Since I actually really like my job and am trying to become a more positive person, I then started listing, in my head, all the things I like about my job. Instead of going into all that boring detail, I’m just going to express the two things that are always issues at work, but the were particularly irksome this weekend.
Excuse me. Pardon me. Small phrases that pop out of my mouth pretty randomly and regularly throughout my day. I’m not burping on that regular a basis, but I say this more generally any time I may have gotten into a coworker or customer’s way, bumped them, caused them embarrassment or confusion, walked by them or caused them to rush to get out of my way. I just say it all day long, because it’s so easy to say. Excuse me. But people don’t say it to me. By people, I should clarify that I am specifically referring to customers of the fine establishment wherein I labor. The nature of my job is such that I am often in positions from which I cannot quickly move (either on my knees or balancing a couple of unsteadily perched products), intensely focused on the task at hand and unaware that someone is behind me. Not being a mother yet, I have not sprouted eyes in the back of my head, so, the answer is ‘no, I cannot see you there.’
Instead of simply saying ‘Excuse me,’ these customers either wait until I do notice them at which time their expression is usually a dopey and somewhat condescending smile or they try to ‘sneak’ by, as in, ‘I’m just going to sneak on by,’ which usually doesn’t work too well, because I still cannot move quickly out of my position to allow you passage. Had you needed to get by or to reach by to acquire a product that I am blocking you from accessing, a simple ‘Excuse me,’ serves the double purpose a politely alerting me to your presence and need and well, I guess that’s really just one purpose. At any rate, it’s not that hard and you’ll get through a lot faster that way than waiting until you’re annoyed and then trying the sneak method.
And then there’s the other end of things – the people who have no problem talking to me – asking me where they can find x or do we have any y? Yes, aisle 3, would you like me to show you? No, I’m sorry we don’t carry that product, but we have something similar right here. I am nearly always happy to stop whatever I’m doing (and I’m really not being sarcastic – I really am happy to help) and show customers where they can find something and moreover, to talk to them about food and whatever other subjects we may have in common. But after I’m done, I’m waiting to be dismissed. The customary way to dismiss a service person who has just helped you with some task or errand is simple and we’re usually taught it from the time we can speak – it’s ‘Thank you.’
How hard is it to say those little politenesses?
Excuse me. Pardon me. Small phrases that pop out of my mouth pretty randomly and regularly throughout my day. I’m not burping on that regular a basis, but I say this more generally any time I may have gotten into a coworker or customer’s way, bumped them, caused them embarrassment or confusion, walked by them or caused them to rush to get out of my way. I just say it all day long, because it’s so easy to say. Excuse me. But people don’t say it to me. By people, I should clarify that I am specifically referring to customers of the fine establishment wherein I labor. The nature of my job is such that I am often in positions from which I cannot quickly move (either on my knees or balancing a couple of unsteadily perched products), intensely focused on the task at hand and unaware that someone is behind me. Not being a mother yet, I have not sprouted eyes in the back of my head, so, the answer is ‘no, I cannot see you there.’
Instead of simply saying ‘Excuse me,’ these customers either wait until I do notice them at which time their expression is usually a dopey and somewhat condescending smile or they try to ‘sneak’ by, as in, ‘I’m just going to sneak on by,’ which usually doesn’t work too well, because I still cannot move quickly out of my position to allow you passage. Had you needed to get by or to reach by to acquire a product that I am blocking you from accessing, a simple ‘Excuse me,’ serves the double purpose a politely alerting me to your presence and need and well, I guess that’s really just one purpose. At any rate, it’s not that hard and you’ll get through a lot faster that way than waiting until you’re annoyed and then trying the sneak method.
And then there’s the other end of things – the people who have no problem talking to me – asking me where they can find x or do we have any y? Yes, aisle 3, would you like me to show you? No, I’m sorry we don’t carry that product, but we have something similar right here. I am nearly always happy to stop whatever I’m doing (and I’m really not being sarcastic – I really am happy to help) and show customers where they can find something and moreover, to talk to them about food and whatever other subjects we may have in common. But after I’m done, I’m waiting to be dismissed. The customary way to dismiss a service person who has just helped you with some task or errand is simple and we’re usually taught it from the time we can speak – it’s ‘Thank you.’
How hard is it to say those little politenesses?
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Social Commentary
I can't really comment enough on the books I'm reading these days. At present, it's Miss Manners' Guide to Domestic Tranquility. I suspect this subject matter sounds not very interesting to many but would prove inexplicably so were one to pick up the book. That advise and etiquette columns are posted in major news publications every day supports this assumption and I have a theory as to why. Etiquette columns and books are an interesting social commentary. Miss Manners has piercing powers of observation and a witty writing style that are the perfect combination for a pleasurable every day morsel (as in the newspaper) or for a more hearty meal (as in the books).
I will provide here an example that I've been chewing about and noticing in my life the last couple of days. I can't recall from which book I gleaned this gem, but it's basically the increasing tendency for people to take offense at other people's words and actions. It's interesting because this predisposition to search for offense naturally results in taking offense and much unhappiness for all parties involved. The offending act may be something completely innocent, teasing, a faux pas (per m-w, social blunder), or an intentional offense, but in most cases, the best reaction is to rise above. Even were someone trying to offend you, Miss Manners sometimes advises not to acknowledge it as an offense. She slyly observes that this actually is the best way to get the better of ones enemies. Yes, I really enjoy this Miss Manners.
[Also, Miss Manners points out that while we are ready and willing to take offense, we, as a society, don't want to limit our behavior so as not to provide offense. So we're just a powder keg waiting to go off - hence road rage and similar acts of spontaneous violence - she writes often of the time when only a duel would avenge the family honor and celebrates that we aren't in that time, but I question that we aren't.]
In observing my own life, another strange place I'm noticing offense taken where none is meant is for circumstances. Not necessarily circumstances beyond ones control, but just circumstances. I find people making conclusions about circumstances that exist, such as 'I haven't found x, so you must not have it.' That puts me in the relatively uncomfortable (for me or for them) position of contradicting them. When these are my customers, I especially wish I did not have to contradict them, but at least the contradiction can often be in the form of good news, 'Actually, we do have that - it's right here.' I think about all the conclusions I draw about circumstances and people and realize that I'd like to keep a more open mind - instead of 'they must not have,' I'd like to think 'I have not yet found.'
In my personal life, I have a friend that I do not trust to speak the truth clearly. I often rely on her tone of voice to interpret what is actually being said, but sometimes draw conclusions that I don't like. A typical interpretation on my part goes something like, 'her tone of voice is uncomfortable, she's uncomfortable telling me this, she doesn't want to tell me this, she thinks this will make me upset or uncomfortable, this makes me upset and uncomfortable because ___.' I find reasons to be upset and uncomfortable to justify my conclusions based on her tone of voice. The unfortunate part is that tone of voice is a valuable social cue, but I also think that if I make too many conclusions based on that, and above all, if I come to negative conclusions, that I should instead assume it's not about me or look for evidence to support or deny my conclusion before getting upset or acting on it.
So basically, I've been thinking about these ideas for days and had many more eloquent examples and turns of phrase planned out, but you know me, as much as I like writing, it's also a relief to leave it and go on to the living. However, the connection that brings this post full circle for me is linking it to The Four Agreements. Making conclusions is really like making assumptions and taking offense is really like taking things personally. So, all this new age spirituality (which I love) is linked and provides a means of being more mannerly. When I was attending school at an Adventist university, one of my TAs to whom I am eternally grateful, called the Ten Commandments 'a recipe for happy living.' See, it all comes around again and again - I'm so glad, because now I don't have to worry if I don't get it the first time.
I will provide here an example that I've been chewing about and noticing in my life the last couple of days. I can't recall from which book I gleaned this gem, but it's basically the increasing tendency for people to take offense at other people's words and actions. It's interesting because this predisposition to search for offense naturally results in taking offense and much unhappiness for all parties involved. The offending act may be something completely innocent, teasing, a faux pas (per m-w, social blunder), or an intentional offense, but in most cases, the best reaction is to rise above. Even were someone trying to offend you, Miss Manners sometimes advises not to acknowledge it as an offense. She slyly observes that this actually is the best way to get the better of ones enemies. Yes, I really enjoy this Miss Manners.
[Also, Miss Manners points out that while we are ready and willing to take offense, we, as a society, don't want to limit our behavior so as not to provide offense. So we're just a powder keg waiting to go off - hence road rage and similar acts of spontaneous violence - she writes often of the time when only a duel would avenge the family honor and celebrates that we aren't in that time, but I question that we aren't.]
In observing my own life, another strange place I'm noticing offense taken where none is meant is for circumstances. Not necessarily circumstances beyond ones control, but just circumstances. I find people making conclusions about circumstances that exist, such as 'I haven't found x, so you must not have it.' That puts me in the relatively uncomfortable (for me or for them) position of contradicting them. When these are my customers, I especially wish I did not have to contradict them, but at least the contradiction can often be in the form of good news, 'Actually, we do have that - it's right here.' I think about all the conclusions I draw about circumstances and people and realize that I'd like to keep a more open mind - instead of 'they must not have,' I'd like to think 'I have not yet found.'
In my personal life, I have a friend that I do not trust to speak the truth clearly. I often rely on her tone of voice to interpret what is actually being said, but sometimes draw conclusions that I don't like. A typical interpretation on my part goes something like, 'her tone of voice is uncomfortable, she's uncomfortable telling me this, she doesn't want to tell me this, she thinks this will make me upset or uncomfortable, this makes me upset and uncomfortable because ___.' I find reasons to be upset and uncomfortable to justify my conclusions based on her tone of voice. The unfortunate part is that tone of voice is a valuable social cue, but I also think that if I make too many conclusions based on that, and above all, if I come to negative conclusions, that I should instead assume it's not about me or look for evidence to support or deny my conclusion before getting upset or acting on it.
So basically, I've been thinking about these ideas for days and had many more eloquent examples and turns of phrase planned out, but you know me, as much as I like writing, it's also a relief to leave it and go on to the living. However, the connection that brings this post full circle for me is linking it to The Four Agreements. Making conclusions is really like making assumptions and taking offense is really like taking things personally. So, all this new age spirituality (which I love) is linked and provides a means of being more mannerly. When I was attending school at an Adventist university, one of my TAs to whom I am eternally grateful, called the Ten Commandments 'a recipe for happy living.' See, it all comes around again and again - I'm so glad, because now I don't have to worry if I don't get it the first time.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
I Should Just...
I’m reading a great book right now, Miss Manners' Basic Training. Yes, an etiquette book – I’ve actually looked up more etiquette books online and am ordering some new ones through inter-library loan because I’m enjoying this one so much. I believe in manners. I think sometimes people confuse manners with being shy or reserved (this was a comment I got in my recent job review). A former beau complimented me on being polite and at that time, I was surprised to have this quality ascribed to me. After some thought, it’s a quality that I look forward to further cultivating. I remember being impressed and pleased to receive a thank-you note after having some new friends over for a game night. Such a simple gesture meant a lot to me and enhanced my desire to share my hospitality. (I know, I know, I have not gotten into that habit myself – Thanks, C – for a beautiful NYE dinner!)
In Basic Training, Miss Manners is advising people about what to say for all occasions and addresses the case when people have troubles in their lives. What should we say? According to Miss Manners, a simple 'I’m sorry' is enough and she reminds us that saying “Just do…x” is not appropriate as it belittles the person, suggesting they could not have come up with your seemingly simple advise on their own (and many other interesting and amusing unmannerly habits – you’ll have to read the book for more!).
I was thinking about writing about a party I attended last night and thought to myself, "I should have just not gone," and realized that I was ‘just’-ing myself! I was being rude to myself. Yes, I think staying home or leaving the party earlier would have been my preference for the evening and may have resulted in a better outcome, but there is no ‘just’ about it. For all today’s “I should have just,” it was a bit more complicated at that time I decided to go and learned that I was not going to be supported in leaving early. So, I want to treat myself with better manners and sincerely say “I’m sorry, self, that you felt bad or did not have the evening you intended.”
In Basic Training, Miss Manners is advising people about what to say for all occasions and addresses the case when people have troubles in their lives. What should we say? According to Miss Manners, a simple 'I’m sorry' is enough and she reminds us that saying “Just do…x” is not appropriate as it belittles the person, suggesting they could not have come up with your seemingly simple advise on their own (and many other interesting and amusing unmannerly habits – you’ll have to read the book for more!).
I was thinking about writing about a party I attended last night and thought to myself, "I should have just not gone," and realized that I was ‘just’-ing myself! I was being rude to myself. Yes, I think staying home or leaving the party earlier would have been my preference for the evening and may have resulted in a better outcome, but there is no ‘just’ about it. For all today’s “I should have just,” it was a bit more complicated at that time I decided to go and learned that I was not going to be supported in leaving early. So, I want to treat myself with better manners and sincerely say “I’m sorry, self, that you felt bad or did not have the evening you intended.”
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Background Noise
Dear Friend,
I'm so sorry for suddenly ending our phone conversation, but somehow I just couldn't handle the background noise on your end of the phone. I look forward to talking more soon.
Love,Me
When is it okay to let someone go because there is too much going on on their end of the phone? Is it okay? If they can concentrate on the conversation, should I be able to deal with it? If all is calm and quiet at my end, I think I deal with noise on the other side better, but if things are hectic on my end, it just doubles the stress level, because I've got barking dogs, heavy bags and a full bladder on this end and people talking and milk steamers screaming on the other end. And I can deal better with it if I know the noise is finite, as, for example, as passing ambulance or something one is walking past. This afternoon I all but yelled at and hung up on my good friend because I got so stressed out by all the background noise.
Surely that was not polite, but this gets back to the heart of the intrusion of our technology into more private realms of our lives. There was some article online a few weeks ago about movies that are totally out of date, such as Pillow Talk, because of the totally outdated technology of the telephone party line. The common scene I recall is the restaurant maitre d' bringing the telephone to the table for VIP guests or requesting they come with them to take a call - those days are gone, it seems (except at my work, where a very comfortable elder woman makes herself right at home and who's husband calls her there asking for her by name, but not specifying that she is a shopper and not an employee - how strange). Cell phones mean everyone is on the phone in restaurants. Despite my connected-at-the-hip (literally, with a belt clip) relationship with my cell phone, I actually appreciate those restaurants with a no-cell policy.
During a business meeting yesterday, I left my ringer on because I needed to receive a call or text message to perform an exchange during the meeting. I apologized in advance and excused myself away from the group when the phone rang, but it rang no less than three times in excess of the call I was waiting for. It was obnoxious and reinforced my desire to keep my phone on silent at all times. I hate hearing the ringing phone, be it mine or anyone else's! I don't know how I would feel if I were the barista helping my friend today. I don't know if my friend kept the phone or earpiece in place while talking to the barista. I don't know if my friend raised her voice so that I could hear her clearly or if that annoyed the people around her. I do know that I did not enjoy the noise of the cafe intruding on my life at that time and despite my desire to talk to my friend, I let her go in favor of a more peaceful moment.
I'm so sorry for suddenly ending our phone conversation, but somehow I just couldn't handle the background noise on your end of the phone. I look forward to talking more soon.
Love,Me
When is it okay to let someone go because there is too much going on on their end of the phone? Is it okay? If they can concentrate on the conversation, should I be able to deal with it? If all is calm and quiet at my end, I think I deal with noise on the other side better, but if things are hectic on my end, it just doubles the stress level, because I've got barking dogs, heavy bags and a full bladder on this end and people talking and milk steamers screaming on the other end. And I can deal better with it if I know the noise is finite, as, for example, as passing ambulance or something one is walking past. This afternoon I all but yelled at and hung up on my good friend because I got so stressed out by all the background noise.
Surely that was not polite, but this gets back to the heart of the intrusion of our technology into more private realms of our lives. There was some article online a few weeks ago about movies that are totally out of date, such as Pillow Talk, because of the totally outdated technology of the telephone party line. The common scene I recall is the restaurant maitre d' bringing the telephone to the table for VIP guests or requesting they come with them to take a call - those days are gone, it seems (except at my work, where a very comfortable elder woman makes herself right at home and who's husband calls her there asking for her by name, but not specifying that she is a shopper and not an employee - how strange). Cell phones mean everyone is on the phone in restaurants. Despite my connected-at-the-hip (literally, with a belt clip) relationship with my cell phone, I actually appreciate those restaurants with a no-cell policy.
During a business meeting yesterday, I left my ringer on because I needed to receive a call or text message to perform an exchange during the meeting. I apologized in advance and excused myself away from the group when the phone rang, but it rang no less than three times in excess of the call I was waiting for. It was obnoxious and reinforced my desire to keep my phone on silent at all times. I hate hearing the ringing phone, be it mine or anyone else's! I don't know how I would feel if I were the barista helping my friend today. I don't know if my friend kept the phone or earpiece in place while talking to the barista. I don't know if my friend raised her voice so that I could hear her clearly or if that annoyed the people around her. I do know that I did not enjoy the noise of the cafe intruding on my life at that time and despite my desire to talk to my friend, I let her go in favor of a more peaceful moment.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Cell Phones Take Over the World!
I have a pet peeve that is getting harder and harder to avoid. It happens with my partner, my best friends, my business partners, random strangers and family. It's something that almost everyone, including myself, has done at some point and which sometimes seems pretty innocuous. It's just answering your cell phone - what's the big deal?
I'll tell you what the big deal is: it's rude.
When I'm spending time with someone and our intimate or friendly conversation is interrupted by an annoyingly ringing cell phone and then, even worse, my conversational partner picks up said annoyingly ringing cell phone and proceeds to start another conversation, I am APPALLED. I could make a list of all the reasons and ways that this is disrespectful, but I'll just give two variations on one: a) you aren't valuing my time and b) you aren't valuing our time together. I could also go into lengthy explanations of that, but it's really self-explanatory and I value my time enough not to take it up explaining that.
I just wanted to get that off my shoulder - it's been it's own little chip world there for a little while now. Please, please, please, people, take into consideration that the technology we have is supposed to enhance our communication and our lives but not take them over. Spend quality time online or on the phone with friends and family, but don't disrespect or disregard the people who are with you right now. Just like at the movies, silence your cell phones, unless you truly are expecting an important call. If that's the case, let your companions know in advance and beg their pardon when you have to walk away to take the call. Ninety-nine percent of the time (I'm making that up) you won't miss an emergency (and the 1% of the time that you do, what could you have done anyway?).
I'll tell you what the big deal is: it's rude.
When I'm spending time with someone and our intimate or friendly conversation is interrupted by an annoyingly ringing cell phone and then, even worse, my conversational partner picks up said annoyingly ringing cell phone and proceeds to start another conversation, I am APPALLED. I could make a list of all the reasons and ways that this is disrespectful, but I'll just give two variations on one: a) you aren't valuing my time and b) you aren't valuing our time together. I could also go into lengthy explanations of that, but it's really self-explanatory and I value my time enough not to take it up explaining that.
I just wanted to get that off my shoulder - it's been it's own little chip world there for a little while now. Please, please, please, people, take into consideration that the technology we have is supposed to enhance our communication and our lives but not take them over. Spend quality time online or on the phone with friends and family, but don't disrespect or disregard the people who are with you right now. Just like at the movies, silence your cell phones, unless you truly are expecting an important call. If that's the case, let your companions know in advance and beg their pardon when you have to walk away to take the call. Ninety-nine percent of the time (I'm making that up) you won't miss an emergency (and the 1% of the time that you do, what could you have done anyway?).
Monday, June 11, 2007
You've GOT to Respect YOURSELF
A young woman was sitting with her boyfriend at an employment service center. They were mouthing off to one another with copious use of swears. I witness these types of scenes all the time and have never thought to say anything. It's really none of my business and I'm not the type to jump into confrontational situations, even with those I feel safe with (apparently, I'll do really well in China, since the Chinese abhor confrontation), let alone some unpredictable strangers.
My friend RC didn't leave it alone, though. RC is about 60, but doesn't look a day over 40 and is a devout Christian. She's at church probably more than once a week and carries the spirit with her every day. She wasn't angry at these two young people for swearing and carrying on, though, she was concerned. She went right over to that young woman and told her "I know your mother raised you better than that" and on and on, ending with "You've got to respect yourself." It was really touching and I think about that a lot.
You've got to respect yourself. Swearing out in public is not only offensive, but may also be the only indicator on which a person can base their opinion of you. It's our verbal appearance. E and I noticed today that we've been swearing a lot. I tried to cease swearing for one day and whenever I think about it, the swears come out unconsciously. I'm almost certain there are days that I don't swear, but these are probably days I don't speak much at all.
I made a goal a while ago to clear my closet of clothes that I can't wear in public. Not only the ripped and stained, but also the too trashy that I wouldn't want my patients to see me wearing. I'm also going to really work on the swears - maybe replace them with prayers. Instead of swearing at the driver going so incredibly slow in front of me, I'll pray for them to reach their destination safely and give thanks for clear and open roads.
At any rate, I'm thinking about what it means to respect myself and how I express that in the world. I'm also thinking about "fake it til you make it" and how we become the person we show the world we are - for example, if I show the world that I am a person who doesn't swear (much), I will become that person. We grow through practice of the manners and mannerisms we want to have. Please remind me that just because I haven't been ___ doesn't mean I can't be - it just takes practice.
My friend RC didn't leave it alone, though. RC is about 60, but doesn't look a day over 40 and is a devout Christian. She's at church probably more than once a week and carries the spirit with her every day. She wasn't angry at these two young people for swearing and carrying on, though, she was concerned. She went right over to that young woman and told her "I know your mother raised you better than that" and on and on, ending with "You've got to respect yourself." It was really touching and I think about that a lot.
You've got to respect yourself. Swearing out in public is not only offensive, but may also be the only indicator on which a person can base their opinion of you. It's our verbal appearance. E and I noticed today that we've been swearing a lot. I tried to cease swearing for one day and whenever I think about it, the swears come out unconsciously. I'm almost certain there are days that I don't swear, but these are probably days I don't speak much at all.
I made a goal a while ago to clear my closet of clothes that I can't wear in public. Not only the ripped and stained, but also the too trashy that I wouldn't want my patients to see me wearing. I'm also going to really work on the swears - maybe replace them with prayers. Instead of swearing at the driver going so incredibly slow in front of me, I'll pray for them to reach their destination safely and give thanks for clear and open roads.
At any rate, I'm thinking about what it means to respect myself and how I express that in the world. I'm also thinking about "fake it til you make it" and how we become the person we show the world we are - for example, if I show the world that I am a person who doesn't swear (much), I will become that person. We grow through practice of the manners and mannerisms we want to have. Please remind me that just because I haven't been ___ doesn't mean I can't be - it just takes practice.
Monday, May 7, 2007
Talking Shit
I bitch about people too much. When I got off work at 11pm and couldn't wait to fall into bed, I still stood around outside the store bitching about my coworkers for another twenty minutes. I felt very self-conscious while I was talking to my coworker because 1. she's not exactly very trustworthy - I'm sure she'll be talking about me on her next shift and/or telling everyone what I said about them; 2. there was a camera on us the whole time; and 3. the shift lead (who I was particularly bitching about) left while we were mid-bitch.
I often say that I would like to get to the point where I never say anything about someone that I wouldn't mind them hearing me say or that I wouldn't say to their face, but I continue to bitch. Whenever I express my dismay, I am usually reassured that it's healthy to vent or that I'm just working things out out loud, but I still don't like it.
Considering this, I wonder if this is the appeal to my more distant relationships - when I don't spend loads of time with people, I am so happy to see them and spend time that there's nothing to bitch about. That doesn't totally hold water, though because I know there are people with whom I could spend every day and never feel like bitching about them - the Jeffs are an example. Both of my Jeffs are amazing, patient friends with whom I feel totally comfortable and always have a great time. I don't think they really ever bitch about anybody either. Maybe like being the person you want to find, I'll have to stop bitching to develop more relationships like that.
I often say that I would like to get to the point where I never say anything about someone that I wouldn't mind them hearing me say or that I wouldn't say to their face, but I continue to bitch. Whenever I express my dismay, I am usually reassured that it's healthy to vent or that I'm just working things out out loud, but I still don't like it.
Considering this, I wonder if this is the appeal to my more distant relationships - when I don't spend loads of time with people, I am so happy to see them and spend time that there's nothing to bitch about. That doesn't totally hold water, though because I know there are people with whom I could spend every day and never feel like bitching about them - the Jeffs are an example. Both of my Jeffs are amazing, patient friends with whom I feel totally comfortable and always have a great time. I don't think they really ever bitch about anybody either. Maybe like being the person you want to find, I'll have to stop bitching to develop more relationships like that.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
To Do: Finish Draft Blog Entries
I have two posts that I started and never finished for some reason. Maybe long-time bloggers will reassure me that this is a common phenomenon, but my perfectionist-completionist self finds it hard to deal with those "drafts" sitting in my list. I haven't quite finished the first because the idea I was masticating kept shifting, so I couldn't quite figure out what I was trying to say. The second is of a very personal nature and I got scared about how it would come out.
One of my friends who also blogs wrote about how she wants to edit her posts, but doesn't and this is something I just can't relate to...I always edit. It's like a conversation with me - I might say one thing and immediately cancel it out and say the opposite. My brain, mouth (when speaking) and hands (when typing) aren't always on the same page and/or moving at the same speed.
However, point being I have two blogs waiting to post. Maybe I should make my thesis the priority instead of finishing those posts? Or my case paper (Goal #6, Due March 23)?
Or maybe I'll keep thinking and writing about how hard it is to go 1 day without swearing (Goal # 66). It started much earlier today, not having established today as a day to try it. Today was the Day of Silence in which I did not participate, but maybe if I had, I would have had an easier time not swearing. I'm going on a retreat this weekend and my housemate suggested not swearing there. It's probable that I could pull that off in that location, but is that really fair? I suppose it's meeting the goal either way and really, those qigong-ers sometimes really piss me off.
One of my friends who also blogs wrote about how she wants to edit her posts, but doesn't and this is something I just can't relate to...I always edit. It's like a conversation with me - I might say one thing and immediately cancel it out and say the opposite. My brain, mouth (when speaking) and hands (when typing) aren't always on the same page and/or moving at the same speed.
However, point being I have two blogs waiting to post. Maybe I should make my thesis the priority instead of finishing those posts? Or my case paper (Goal #6, Due March 23)?
Or maybe I'll keep thinking and writing about how hard it is to go 1 day without swearing (Goal # 66). It started much earlier today, not having established today as a day to try it. Today was the Day of Silence in which I did not participate, but maybe if I had, I would have had an easier time not swearing. I'm going on a retreat this weekend and my housemate suggested not swearing there. It's probable that I could pull that off in that location, but is that really fair? I suppose it's meeting the goal either way and really, those qigong-ers sometimes really piss me off.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
DAMN!
Not swearing is hard!
Avoiding driving helps, although if traffic is bad, I do still swear at other drivers even if I'm just a passenger. I need to cultivate peaceful driving skills.
Avoiding driving helps, although if traffic is bad, I do still swear at other drivers even if I'm just a passenger. I need to cultivate peaceful driving skills.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
See You Next Tuesday...
It's spring break. I finished all 7 outstanding homework assignments between Thursday night and Friday at 5pm, took my last residency interview and saw another new patient before calling it a wrap for my last winter term in school. It's strange thinking that this is the last...the last winter term, the last spring break, the last year of formal schooling. That's not to say that won't go back to school or ever study again - I was speaking to my own physician this week who graduated about 2 years ago and she's almost ready to return to school for a part time MPH program. I would consider getting another Masters or my Doctorate in Oriental Medicine at some point. Education has really become a habit and the time line really works for me - autumn means freshly sharpened pencils and new pads of paper, after all.
I'm not looking that far ahead though - for now, I'm really only take it one week at a time and this week is spring break week. I'm not heading to Acapulco, San Padre or even Lauderdale, but I am taking a brief hiatus from my daily life to stay at my boyfriend's house and oversee (that means just being home) the contractor he hired to install some new flooring. That's going to be Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday - so I made a lot of appointments on Tuesday: trainer at 9, health appointment at 11:30, patient at 3:15, and 3 social engagements that evening that all start within an hour of one another. I keep sending emails saying "See you next Tuesday" and I'm very conscious of what that has become an acronym for.
I can only remember being physically punished by my parents twice in my life - once my dad gave me and my brothers all spankings when I was pretty young - I hated waiting in my room listening to my brothers holler as he spanked them, knowing it was coming. You can bet I never got up to whatever we did to deserve that again. The second time my mom slapped me as a teen for swearing at my brother and specifically for using the word "c_nt." Yes, my momma raised me better than that, too, and after that slapping, I never said that word in mixed company again, despite my love of a colorful swearing. I always considered it the height of profanity. Well, apparently mom has changed her view as she recently told me that so-and-so was just a "stupid c_nt." I was so shocked that I almost slapped my mom for it! I guess the same rules don't apply once you're over 30.
I'm not looking that far ahead though - for now, I'm really only take it one week at a time and this week is spring break week. I'm not heading to Acapulco, San Padre or even Lauderdale, but I am taking a brief hiatus from my daily life to stay at my boyfriend's house and oversee (that means just being home) the contractor he hired to install some new flooring. That's going to be Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday - so I made a lot of appointments on Tuesday: trainer at 9, health appointment at 11:30, patient at 3:15, and 3 social engagements that evening that all start within an hour of one another. I keep sending emails saying "See you next Tuesday" and I'm very conscious of what that has become an acronym for.
I can only remember being physically punished by my parents twice in my life - once my dad gave me and my brothers all spankings when I was pretty young - I hated waiting in my room listening to my brothers holler as he spanked them, knowing it was coming. You can bet I never got up to whatever we did to deserve that again. The second time my mom slapped me as a teen for swearing at my brother and specifically for using the word "c_nt." Yes, my momma raised me better than that, too, and after that slapping, I never said that word in mixed company again, despite my love of a colorful swearing. I always considered it the height of profanity. Well, apparently mom has changed her view as she recently told me that so-and-so was just a "stupid c_nt." I was so shocked that I almost slapped my mom for it! I guess the same rules don't apply once you're over 30.
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