My Best Friends' Ex-Boyfriends

In junior high, negotiating relationships and ex-relationships was easy. Any boy who didn't want to be with my gal pals was a jerk and I didn't talk to them anymore. And any girl who dated my friends' exes was some kinda something. Things are different now and I sometimes remain friends with friends' exes. Things are really different in that I now have become friends with friends' exes new girlfriends and wives.

I like to think we're all mature (read: ma-toor) enough to be in the same room together, but human emotions get involved and sometimes that's just not comfortable, not least of all for me. There's definitely a feeling sometimes of being in the middle. Take the other evening when I found myself with a close gal pal and her old flame's new wife. I hadn't been together with them before, so I was very conscious of the hugs and kisses I gave new wife in front of old girlfriend. Though we used to poke fun at new wife together, I've since gotten to know her and found her perfectly pleasant and nice to be around, but old girlfriend wasn't really around for the getting-to-know part.

I've also become quite close with the ex-boyfriend and his new wife of another friend. This ex-boyfriend had made something, let's call it a 'birdhouse' for lack of any other imagination on my part, for his ex-girlfriend, my good friend. This 'birdhouse' was given or taken back in the break up but has landed with me several times in the years since. In my recent move in with A, I declined to take the birdhouse with me and another friend took it to put in her 'yard.' I'm not losing sleep over this, but I am aware of the fact that when the ex-girlfriend-friend visits the home/yard where the birdhouse is now displayed, she might have a reaction.

I'm learning to let people have their own reactions, to be open and willing to talk about them and negotiate ways to keep people comfortable within my own home or event, but not to take responsibility for managing these people in other circumstances. I've also stopped being afraid to say an ex's name in front of the wrong people - these are people in my life, so they may get mentioned, although I try not to do it gratuitously. And finally, I've learned that there are some advantages to my having kept my dates outside of my own social circle for the most part.

Morning Tea

I admire men who treat their women well. Every day of their lives together, my father made my mother a glass of tea in the morning before he left for work. He often worked much earlier than her, but she would awake to find her tea, ice gone melty, beside her bed waiting for her. This, more than a rose or a love note, was true love. This was romance. At work, I often overhear conversations between my coworkers and their friends, family or who knows who? Usually, because we’re in a room full of people, I get no clues about who my coworker is speaking with – there is no change in tone, very few words whispered hurriedly and no terms of endearment. One exception stands out: a rough hewn gentleman who’s voice goes soft as he tenderly talks to his ‘baby’ about dinner tonight or how she feeling. It’s very sweet and endears him to me.

I would like to say that I admire women who treat their men well, but I don’t think that way. Perhaps because, as was my first instinct on pondering that, most women (that I know) treat their men well, so it’s no exception. This suggests that the men I’ve used as examples are…well, exemplary…and I think they are, but I could fill a book with the sweetnesses of men. My own dating history is filled with such wonderful treatment that my friends in college asked what I was doing to get such treats and treatment from my boyfriends. That might be it or it might be that I appreciate on behalf of my sex the kindness of men towards women. It’s certainly true that I also appreciate women who are more friendly towards other women and less catty. Maybe it’s also that I like to treat my men well with the gifts I have to give: warm regard, fun, acceptance, laughter, delicious food and affection, so other woman providing similar seems unremarkable.

I remember one boyfriend in college that I met too soon. He was conservative in a way that has nothing to do with politics. Weeks of dating and we never even kissed – instead we talked about religion and politics – passionately, but never confrontationally. We held hands and walked in the park, we went out to dinner, we danced, we laughed. I was just crazy about him, but eventually ended the relationship because I couldn’t handle the differences in our dating cultures at that time. In later conversations, we both acknowledged that he had treated me like a queen. He complained that I hadn’t treated him as a king. At the time, I had no idea that he was unhappy with my treatment of him – maybe he really was, maybe it’s only in retrospect or maybe it was because I rebuffed his advances when we met up years later. In any case, I remember those words only too well too, and try to do better.

The One That Got Away

What a weekend. Reinforced one lesson for me: leave on a high note. Unfortunately, I may have overstayed this trip just a smidgen - I found myself complaining just a tad more than telling fun/funny stories. That's how I know when I've stayed too long. It was fun and there are many funny stories to tell, though. Here's my Top 5 for the weekend and one funny story that goes back a bit further:

1. Playing Cribbage - 2 player, 3 player and 4 player! At the cabin and home with Jefe.
2. Playing ImagineIff - what a fun game!
3. Getting to sing quite a bit of karaoke - and especially hearing A have such fun with his signature song: Karma Chameleon (which my gay friend later described, without knowing A's particular fondness for it, as the gayest song ever!)
4. 55 cent tacos from Bandito (not even on the mountain, but still a vital part of the weekend) followed by homemade blueberry frozen yogurt
5. Getting to know several new friends - which leads me to the story that goes back a bit further:

So, once upon a time, there was a time before A when I was Internet dating, as we call it. It started when I first moved to P____. I was moving here with a couple and wanted to meet some people right away so I started talking to people over the Internet before I got here. Well, I met an amazing guy and had a ready-made boyfriend by the time I arrived in town. My first night here, he took us out for delicious pizza, showed us the city lights by night and took us dancing at a fun blues club (oxymoron?). Though my ready-made boyfriend and I didn't last even long enough for me to get moved into my new apartment, the experience was generally a good one, so I kept Internet dating sporadically for the next several years.

One person that I met online seemed really nice, but also was clearly not ready to be dating yet, having only recently gotten out of a long term and serious relationship. I don't actually remember why we never met in person, but I recall that we both seemed to think the other person was pretty groovy, but something wasn't right, be it timing, chemistry or miscellaneous. Later, I was pretty sure that I saw this person come into the store I was working in as a cashier. I said nothing, wondering what the point would be.

Meanwhile, I had made a new girl friend that I really liked. As we got to know one another better, she told me about her most recent long term and serious relationship. It was like dejavu - I felt like I'd heard a similar tale before. It didn't take us long to make the connection that she was the ex-girlfriend of the man I described above! Boy, was I ever relieved that I hadn't gone out with him. And my relief was ten-fold when she told me I would meet him in person this weekend as he was coming along on our vacation, too. They are dating again and I couldn't be happier for them as they seem to compliment one another.

So, in addition to being glad that that one that got away, I'm so glad to have met and made another new friend, as I hope that he will turn out to be.

Money Matters

I'm reading Cold Mountain right now. There is a section in which it describes Ruby's distrust of scripted money and how worthless it became during the war. I feel like that sometimes, like I don't really understand the value of money. I know that money pays for things and I know approximately what I can get for a dollar. I'm not cheap - I know that to buy a new couch, I'm going to pay approximately x amount of dollars and I know about how much worth it retains after you remove it from the showroom. But I don't know the value of large amounts of money. I just added up the amount of student loans that I owe. I also just consolidated my credit cards. And I am now very concerned for my immediate future. I'm not destitute, a fact that I had to explain in so many words with many numbers included to make my partner understand, but I also don't have a dollar to give. The Fire Department, Special Olympics, For the Children and the Consumers for Organic Products should all take me off their lists.

I'm changing jobs soon and will have a pretty flexible schedule to accommodate another job after I buckle down and complete my thesis and final board exams. I'm catering and taking side jobs (research and computer work) and don't expect not to be able to meet my basic needs. But what about entertainment? What about socializing? What about dating?

I hate the influence that money has on our social lives. Having grown amongst a middle-middle class family and been surrounded by similar people until I went to college (when my classmates never really had their own money either, despite the wealth of their families), classism was always an amorphous concept for me. The issue of class has slowly been getting more and more important to me. In the social network with whom I often socialize, there are a lot of people with a lot of discretionary income. Many of the events are costly and some even list minimum dinner tabs of 25 or 50 dollars. The names of events such as "Classy Night on the Town" suggest in my mind a decided lack of class, but maybe I'm just being defensive. I know I've gone out cocktailing with friends where we specified a more formal dress code - is it the same thing?

I have a couple of friends who are doing quite well, including a long time friend who unexpectedly did very well in his field and another newer friend who invested well early on and is simply put, wealthy. They are very generous with me in terms of our socializing. They seem to recognize the discrepancies in our budgets and compensate by taking me out for drinks or dinner and allowing me to make them dinner or have them over for drinks. We don't discuss this and money has never been an issue in our relationship. With other friends, we just decide on activities that fit our mutual budgets, whatever they may be - sometimes the limits may be mine and sometimes theirs.

The White Trash Series of events started by some friends of mine, one of whom is white and could be described as trashy and the other who is neither white nor particularly publicly trashy brought the issue of class (and racism) to the surface too. I was an am offended by the use of the term White Trash - it is both inherently classist and racist. I explained this to my friend and apparently ruined the concept for him as he only hosted one more event in the series. The events that I attended were a really good time and I enjoyed them - the other events he had described sounded equally fun in a fantastic sort of way: Monster Trucks, Lawn Mower Races, Wiener dog races and roller derby may be low-brow, but I don't think enjoyment of them necessarily makes one trashy.

So, I'm jumping all over the place with this - money and class and back and forth, but it's just such a confusing jumble in my mind. It's a major button for me and it's been pressed lately so I'm just seeking some clarity by writing it out. My dating history includes men of greater and lesser means, most of whom have treated me quite generously. There was only one major instance in which a man not having money interfered with our dating - that was the schmo who invited me out for a movie and then indicated that he didn't have enough to go to dinner beforehand and come to think of it, for the movie at all - and that was just for his half of the Dutch treat! I was more annoyed by his lack of forethought than his lack of funds.

My generosity in return has always been composed of time, fun, enthusiasm, ideas and commitment. As E says, I brought magic to the table. Since I've been always been a student and was open with my dates about my financial status, I felt they understood what they were getting into when they started dating me and could chose to spend or not spend what their own budgets allowed. It's none of my business how they chose to spend their money. Again, it had never been an issue.

You can see the lead up in that it has become an issue of late. I don't know how and I'm not sure the solution, but lately my partner and I are fighting about money. I sometimes offer to pay and am turned down, but he'll unexpectedly ask me to pay for random and strange things, like groceries for his house. He is generally quite generous and I think there is something else at work behind this because it can't really be about the money since his income is on the order of 5x what I bring home. Since I am moving house and starting a new job in the next month, I'm being a little more fiscally conservative lately which only complicates things as I'm so protective of cash so that I can cover move-in costs. It doesn't help that he also advises me to get a really nice place and/or a place big enough for him to move into - things that I really shouldn't afford at this time of transition when I should be saving and looking at the bigger picture.

Oh well, time to go spend a couple hundred getting my hair done.

The Carvahlo and The Shane

Pairs of people who become very close start speaking their own language - twinspeak is a term used when this phenomenon occurs in twins (I may have made that up, because it's not listed in Websters). Sometimes this is complicated or enhanced by shared dialect or isolation, but for me, it's often comprised of inside jokes or shared experiences taken to a whole other level. I noticed the other day that A and I are starting to have our own language and I took that as a very good sign. My last partner and I didn't even share a common primary language, so it's been a really long time since I had a private language with my partner.

On the other hand, E and I, having lived together for four years and spending much of that time in isolation together, have a rich and varied personal language. Sometimes if someone else says something that has come to have meaning for us, all it takes is a look between us for the laughter to come bubbling up. Sometimes, we can't even look at each other when someone says something because it would seem so completely out of place for us to have our usual reaction to these things. Our private language is only complicated by our mutual channeling of Chibo - since he lacks the physical capacity for speech, he often borrows ours and you really can' t believe what he has to say. Sometimes, like the late great Richard Prior, I want to "slap him in the mouf..." and you know the rest of that line!

At any rate, what has me wondering about language this evening is a friend we ran into this week. As E and I walked away from our brief conversation with him, I could only mutter, "He's Carvahlo-ing it, but he doesn't Shane very well!" Yes, we've turned these names into verbs. In the spirit of word of the day, here are some origins and definition, Webster-style:

Carvahlo:
Etymology - from a long-lost friend who took flirting to a whole other level
1 (noun) : a man who flirts openly and obviously with every woman because he would take any woman
2 (verb): to flirt openly and obviously with every woman in the hopes of dating any woman

Shane:
Etymology - from a former date who knew how to make his dates friend feel very welcome
1 (noun): a man who flirts mainly with his date, but flirts enough to make her friends feel welcome without wondering if he wants them
2. (verb): to take care to make one's dates' friends feel welcome and appreciated without being sleazy

The Shane actually evolved out of the Carvahlo, because it seems there are times when flirting with the friends of the one you're trying to catch could be useful and appropriate in controlled amounts. The difference really lies in how it makes the third party feel - if she feels you're hitting on her, it's a Carvahlo; if she feels welcome and included, it's a Shane. Having been on both sides of both of these scenarios, I prefer to share a Shane.

Baggage

Seems like people are always looking to date someone who doesn't have a lot of "baggage." Many of the Internet dating ads and profiles I've read have specified "no drama" and/or "no baggage." I think what people mean is they are looking for someone without a lot of unresolved emotional issues from previous relationships. Additionally, not wanting to be judged or held to a higher standard based on previous partner's mistakes seems to be a part of this.

I'm having an interesting journey with this idea of late. I've always thought of myself as someone without a lot of baggage. When I report on the number of boyfriends I've had, I only count about 3 - that's my creative math at work - even though I've dated many more. These three are the ones that lasted a long time, that I was very emotionally invested in and are the only ones who broke up with me (read: broke my heart). I don't count those relationships I had overseas that I knew would end when I left the country, I don't count those ones that I ended and I don't count the ones that I just hung on for the ride knowing it wasn't going anywhere, but having fun nonetheless. Anyways, of the ones that count, I feel like I've really worked through those issues. I've had anywhere from 4-15 years to work through them and I've done a fair bit of emotional processing and personal growth work since then.

However, this weekend my baggage was put right into my face. I realize that I've reacted to a situation with my partner in an entirely justifiable way from a place of fear generated from the dissolution of my last relationship. Wow. My baggage, my problem, right? Wrong. So here's the revolutionary concept - it's not okay for me to lay my baggage on my partner's door, blame him, judge him or change the standards on him, but it is okay for me to acknowledge the problem I'm having and ask for his help in resolving it in our relationship. Just because a feeling comes from the bad effects of a previous relationship doesn't make it any less valid or any less important to deal with together if it affects our relationship.

We carry around baggage from previous romantic relationships, but also from our family-of-origin, our relationships with age-mates and basically any interaction that we've ever had that was hurtful. I would hope that my partner would want to help me, in as much as I am helping myself, to overcome any of those unresolved emotional issues to strengthen and deepen our relationship, regardless of the source. I guess I have to acknowledge that I have baggage to get us started though...hm.

"I'm lookin' for baggage that goes with mine."
(Mimi - RENT)

Revolutionary Concepts in Not Taking People for Granted

After talking with some friends about blogging and the Internet, I'm shy to post very personal thoughts and feelings...knowing that nothing is as anonymous as I like to pretend. On the other hand, I'm not posting anything that I would be ashamed to admit to. Just a preface, I guess, to indicate that this one is challenging.

A QiGong Master told his student that anyone wasting another person's time is killing him - because he is taking time away from another person's life. When I think about using up the finite time available in my own or another person's life, it changes the concept significantly. I want every moment to be lived to it's fullest, which doesn't mean extreme sporting or peak experiences, but rather with that concept of authenticity, presence and awareness. Even negative experiences or the tension of not-knowing can fill the moment. Playing Table Topics the other day, I couldn't recall a single peak experience that I would want to re-live, but I easily remembered the hardest thing I'd ever done because I was so present in that moment. This is the root of Daoism and probably best explains why I have the kanji for Dao tattooed prominently on my arm.

So today, talking about relationships and discontent, my friend came up with this idea: A boyfriend/girlfriend needs to make up for the other men/women their partner is choosing not to be with. I hesitate to even write it that way, because "make up for" sounds not quite right, but in the interest of getting this down, I'm going to let it stand as written.

My mind is reeling from the possibilities and I recall a Buddhist wedding I attended. The Buddhist's did not vow "to have and to hold until death do us part," but did exchange vows including a vow from the husband to keep the woman's makeup and jewelry boxes stocked. The explanation was that the husband would always value the woman and want to adorn her and that the woman would always want to adorn herself for her loving husband. It was really beautiful and touching and I've always remembered that. The above concept, in both forms, really means to me just that we should value our lover/partner and recognize and value that they choose us. And kick the asshole to the curb if he's killing you by wasting your precious time.

6 Degrees of Separation

My friend recently moved to New York for a new job and had very exciting news in her first email report about her new life. Her roommate's girlfriend, who may or may not be a model, was in a photo shoot and her roommate (the boyfriend) was asked to participate in the shoot too...and the photographer was none other than ANTM's Nigel Barker. It's disgusting, I know, but I love ANTM and have watched the show regularly since Season 2 (I caught Season 1 on syndication). I always feel the need to justify spending my time watching this show, but I really don't see how it's different from other reality shows which are also popular - I don't consider it any better or worse than Survivor, Amazing Race, Fear Factor, the Bachelor, etc - it's just about modeling and I find it appealing because 1. it doesn't involve eating disgusting things and 2. it's fundamentally about creating something beautiful.

Some of the girls come across as insipid and there are many a cat-fight, but this is the drama of reality television and it keeps us all coming back for more. We love to hate the stupid and adore our heroes. Incidentally, my hero is whoever thought of putting full episodes on the website - I don't have to set my VCR to record, I don't have to get Tivo or a DVR and I can still watch in my own time where ever or whenever!

At any rate, the point I'm trying to come to is that this 6 degrees of separation really is true! I know my friend, who knows her roommate, who has met Nigel Barker, who knows Tyra. That 4 degrees. I also know someone who has worked with Viggo Mortenson and Kenny Loggins - only 2 degrees. And if you consider who they know, it's a whole world of famous people that I'm within 6 degrees. I am an unabashed fan of the glitz of Hollywood, but I also have incredible discomfort around famous people - I once ran into Danny Glover at the juice bar and left immediately because I couldn't be that close...now, of course, I wish I would have thrown in a little "I'm getting too old for this shit" as I walked out.

So, consider this, how many degrees am I from any one person within the city where I reside? Not far and especially closer considering how many people I've dated in the almost 8 years I've lived here. I probably went on close to 100 first dates in the first year here - I was bored, give me a break - and many since then in addition to joining an online social network that creates real time friendships. I'm constantly running into this situation of knowing someone who knows someone who... Example: I met a girlfriend at the gym and she tells me she's got a date with a really tall hunka hunka burnin' love - really tall? how tall? - 6'7'' - Is his name John? Example: My boyfriend is showing me pictures of his last birthday party and someone in the picture reminds me of someone...Is his name Tom? Example: Having dinner with another girlfriend who tells me her recent x, Joe, is a gas station attendant - is he Korean and drives a blue KIA Spectra? Yes, I'd met, contacted or dated each of the above and it was always weird finding out that we had that person in common. I can only anticipate the Internet creating more of these strange situations and overlaps and I can't figure out if that's a good thing or not.

PS - I did, in fact, change names and details above for privacy sake - maybe totally unnecessary, but really how hard was it and who cares?

Rule No 1: Dating Should Be FUN!

I have a lot of ideas about how dating should go, but in general, I’m not about to set rules down in stone about it. I’m no math-magician, but I know that the number of couples and their preferences squared equals a lot of different combinations! Maybe I’m harkening back to a former era with this and modern dating is really about stock options or just getting laid, but if that is the case, so be it! Because I truly believe that “Dating should be fun!”

Seems like this is a pretty obvious statement, but this simple fact seems to have been forgotten in the hurly burly of our modern dating culture. My R&E (research and experience) show that many people aren’t doing fun things on their dates – modern dates seem to be made up almost primarily of sitting over coffee for hours on end staring at one another and searching for any reason to leave. Do you like dogs? Cats? Allergic to cats?! – OUT! Do you have a car? You drive a scooter?! – OUT! You have children?! OUT! You’re a manic depressive paranoid schizophrenic?! Cool, I’m bipolar.

These over-talking dates may in turn lead to over-talking relationships. Now, don’t get me wrong, I hold communication dear in my relationships, but there is a limit as to how much history I want to have on my partner before we’re in the bedroom or even walking up the aisle! It’s part of the fun, part of the pizzazz, part of the mystery. I asked my current partner something pretty personal early on, and he chose not to answer me at that time. On some reflection, I realized that I didn’t even really want to know the answer! We had just as much fun even without the answer to my query and really, that’s the whole point.

Timing is Everything

Since the week of clearing my relationship clutter by breaking up with every fellow I’d ever spoken to and being unceremoniously left at my make-believe alter by the heretofor object of my affection, I’ve been on a romantic rollercoaster with my hetero lifemate and our two new fellows. No, we didn’t double date to a theme park! Though I advised against it, I watched her make some crucial mistakes in jumping into love head first and have seen her come up with a nosebleed. I may still be diving into my new relationship, but I’m trying a different form – not quite feet first but cannonball style.

Anyone who has ever told a joke can attest to the rule that “Timing is Everything." With jokes and with relationships, timing is of the essence. Last week after the string of break ups (See: Breaking Up is Hard to Do and Friend or Boyfriend?), I thought I would never fall in love again – my theme song was that Elvis Costello and Burt Bacharach tune. This was made all the more painful by my hetero lifemate telling me how she’d found her match and how apparently great it was going.

If there really is a finite amount of pain and pleasure in the universe, we were definitely trading off, because the same night that things turned around for me was the night when her ivory tower of love came crashing down around her. She got stood up on the same night that I realized that I might have found someone pretty special and greater than that, that I can and will fall in love again and again and again… I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, timing is everything. Either that or I’m just able to convince myself to obey the words of my new theme song: Always Look at the Bright Side of Life.

Friend or Boyfriend? When it Ends Before it Began

So yesterday was my day for breaking up and today was my day for getting broken up with, albeit from a very non-relationship and in a very indirect way. I met this fellow about two months ago at the same time as the Stand Up Guy and have been seeing both of them throughout this time. Things technically hadn’t progressed to more than friendship, but I was definitely interested and hoping for more. The interest seemed mutual until all of the sudden, my “friend" was unavailable and spending all of his time with a new girl on the scene. Now our friendship is awkward, my hopes for he and I are dashed, and having broken up with my other beaus, I’m left with only one date for next week! What’s the best way to handle it when a friend is more than a friend but less than a boyfriend?

A wise man I know identifies the three parts of relationship as friendship, intimacy and sex. I like this trilogy as it easily applies to the object of my unrequited affection – we have friendship down, verbal intimacy is checked off the list, but no physical intimacy yet. Seemed like we were just heading through the stages towards the latter. Maybe things don’t actually progress that linearly or maybe he just got sidetracked when another friendship moved along its parallel track. Regardless of the why’s and what’s of it, this happened and it seems, from my current experience, that there are some things that could make a return to normalcy less strange and painful.

1. Acknowledge that something was going on! It’s crazy making that we - by that I mean, myself, him and the mutual group of friends I share with this fickle fellow – are just pretending that everything should just be the way that it was. We’re all acting as though nothing was going on when I’m pretty sure we’re all in on the score. If we just allowed that “yeah, that was nice, but I’m with her now," we could part ways for a time or just slow down and let our friendship redevelop along this new path.

2. Be clear about the new relationship!While on the subject of being up front, maybe he could just tell me that they’re together now – while I already know this to be the case, he has studiously avoided all references to it in our conversations and since I want it not to be true (it is true), I don’t want to bring it up.

3. Don’t ask me out on your dates!This shouldn’t require much explanation – I never want to be a third wheel, but I especially don’t want to watch someone I dig snogging another person! (Yes, “THEY" asked me to dinner tonight and yes, I declined with regrets due to the need to re-organize the severe disarray in my sock drawer.)

Being a responsible and introspective person, I also want to take responsibility for my own actions. I should probably also just accept the fact that he’s found love elsewhere and move on. Or maybe I should just deck the bitch and steal him back?

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Today it was my unpleasant task to “break up" with three suitors. As breaking up hard to do, I was not looking forward to it and decided to use the ripping the band aid off approach. Being that one fellow was the Stand Up Guy (See: On Getting Stood Up) who I’ve been seeing for 2 months, another was Cheeky Guy (See: Las Vegas on a Second Date?) with whom I had had one coffee date and the last was someone I had not yet met, but had exchanged emails with and one phone call, you might imagine that I would have used different methods to end each of these “relationships," but no, I dumped them all over email.

Okay, admittedly, I wasn’t really breaking up with Cheeky Guy or the other fellow, but in this day and age of Internet dating, there often is a need to end a relationship before it really begins. Sometimes these things just fizzle and while that might leave one party wondering, if they aren’t interested enough to continue the pursuit, it’s probably better off that way. When my new crush breaks up with me more directly though, it may sting momentarily, but it also allows me to move on. I’ve tried to emulate this method of breaking up.

So, more specifically, my two-monther got a very heartfelt letter about how much I enjoy him and how we’re just looking for different things out of a relationship. Cheeky Guy, who I already technically broke up with, got a curt note asking him to never call me again. And finally, we’re on to my best break up of the day. Neither too gushy nor too bitchy – this could be the Goldilocks perfect of all break ups.

I told him how I enjoyed our conversation, but didn’t think we were a good fit and wished him the best. I didn’t go into detail about how his quoting the Bible and denigrating the Muslims bothered me, but I did site our religious differences as one reason we might not be a match. His response was less than Christian: “Hopefully the Bible is wrong about who “fits" into Heaven. " Does this mean I’m going to Hell or that he hopes I make to Heaven? Frankly, m’darling…

On Getting Shot Down

In my survey of men on Passive Man Syndrome (PMS), one answer came up again and again: Men don’t pursue women or ask them out because they are afraid of being shot down. Some men even said that women, as a group, are mean. Women’s signals are apparently too obscure for some men. It was suggested more than once that women should be the assertive force, take advantage of being in the “driver’s seat," flirt better, send clearer signals and ask men out! It’s a fact that dating takes some level of risk – someone has to put their heart on their sleeve or their neck on the line at some point. If men aren’t doing it, should women? Apparently some men think so.

Not being a sociologist, a geneticist or a sexologist, I have no idea if either sex is wired or evolved to be better at asking out the other sex. Apparently, the demise of male self-esteem with changing roles in our society contributes to the change from a male-dominated dating ritual to a female-dominant pattern. Issues of women’s safety and wanting to avoid being considered a “stalker" were also sited.

Regarding your low self esteem, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - cry me a river, guys! Expectations are exceedingly high on women, too! It occurred to me some time ago that everyone I meet is insecure about something – maybe it’s their ears, their big feet, their wide hips or their spelling or bad jokes. When I realized this, I ceased to be intimidated. It doesn’t mean I didn’t get shot down sometimes – there was an especially embarrassing incident trying to get someone to light a cigarette – but I moved on and I’m having fun now with people I might not have started up with otherwise. Just be compassionate to yourself and the other person.

Regarding stalking – just don’t do it. No means no – if I ask you not to call, don’t call. If I give you my number or email address, you aren’t stalking if you contact me. You aren’t even stalking if you write or call more than once before I get back to you. You are, however, perceived as creepy or desperate if you fill my inbox or voicemail before I get back to you. I would also not use the word “giddy"…ever.

Las Vegas on a Second Date?

I was wondering when I would have a chance to share with the world, or at least the world wide web, my graded system of romantic gestures. I got a phone call tonight that has inspired me to share my theories about what I call Grade 4 and what Brigit Jones calls a "mini-holiday." That's right, I'm talking about going out of town on vacation together. So this must be a serious beau if he’s taking it up a level to Grade 4, you’re thinking – oh no, he’s a one dater that I broke it off with after he too overtly admired my … well, let me just say it’s not the body part you’re thinking of!

Going somewhere together really takes a relationship to the next level. A weekend at the shore or a week in the Caymans, it’s really all the same to me. If you make it happen, my heart is open. I think it's a really big deal to go out of town for the first time with a new partner.

So, this fellow who admired my … let’s just say, cheeks … we’d had one date which was okay – I knew we weren’t going to work out for more than another date and really wasn’t interested even in that much more. So I decided not to waste our time and broke it off, explaining that I really wasn’t into the whole…cheek…thing. After referring to me as cold and berating me for not opening up to him on his time schedule, he apparently decided I wasn’t so bad as he’s now inviting me to join him in an all expenses paid vacation to Las Vegas or Disneyworld.

Having done the whole Disneyland as second date thing, I can honestly report that a change of venue doesn’t change the outcome. In fact, it can make a bad situation worse. Grade 4 gestures should be reserved for relationships in a healthy state of bliss.

Passive Man Syndrome: PMS in the New Centure

At a recent social function, I jokingly hollered across the room “Hey, Smiley*, why don’t you fix me up?" The man next to Smiley craned his neck to look at me and hollered back “Why do you need to get fixed up? What are you doing Friday?" Wow! I had a live one – not afraid to put himself out there in the same loud and socially outgoing way that I often do. Though we tried to speak to one another throughout the night, we ended up separated several times in the normal ebb and flow of the evening. At the end of the night, he gave me his number and suggested I call if I wanted to get together. I rang him up a few days later – we had a nice chat and then he suggested I call him next week. In sharing this experience with a male friend, I wondered, is he “just not that into me?" but my friend said that I was really suffering from Passive Man Syndrome, yes, I’ve got a bad case of PMS.

In exploring this idea, it does account for many of my recent dating experiences. Regardless of my behavior, from wantonly throwing myself at my date to coyly following “The Rules," it seems that there are few men who will take the lead in our relationship. I asked some men what is going on and got some interesting responses:

1. Offer sex on the first date – that’ll make them take action.[Yeah, that sounds like the right way to get a guy to call!]

2. Men are afraid of being shot down or thought of as a stalker. [When I kiss a fellow on a date, that’s my way of saying, “hey, I like you, I’d like to go out again." If I don’t want to go out after that, it’s my responsibility to say so. If you keep asking and she keeps evading or saying no (shame on you, girls – we need to be more direct too!), then stop – she’s probably not interested.]

3. Modern culture has emasculated men and they are generally having a hard time.[Whatever, cry me a river, guys! I’m supposed to be financially independent, smart, funny, beautiful with a model thin body with a great front end and booty for miles but still not intimidating. We’re all trying to strike the balance and we all have challenges!]

4. You’re a bitch.[Maybe, but anyone who responded to my inquiry really doesn’t know me well enough to make that call.]

5. Wanna go out?[Yes! I’ve gotten asked out by a few of the guys who gave me opinions – hopefully they’ll be able to keep up this up!]

A Date in the Life: On Getting Stood Up

It’s currently two and a half hours after I was supposed to meet my new beau for a drink and it’s slowly dawning on me that I’ve been stood up. I’ve been alternately doing other things to keep my mind from acknowledging this possibility and staring at my cell phone willing it to ring. If I could further bend the universe to my will, he would be apologetic and have a damn good excuse for not only tonight’s mishap, but the general change in the chemistry between us in the last two weeks. So, now you know that my beau stood me up and that we aren’t getting along so well – you’re probably thinking I’m a real schmo or a loser. Well, not exactly. You know that phrase “I’m every woman?" Well, I’m every single.

I’m a single-thirty something: blond, fairly good looking, ravishingly well-educated, smart, funny and I sport a rather impressive front end that tends to turns heads. I put the sparkle in the party punch without a lot of empty calories. So why am I on the Internet bemoaning my stood up state? Because I’ve been meaning to write a letter to the fellows to share a few tips about women and this is a prime opportunity to address one common cause for premature break-ups: getting stood up.

Getting stood up sucks. It’s a waste of time at best and may reflect a lack of respect in general at worst. (Or maybe it gets worse?) No one likes to be stood up and I imagine that most decent human beings don’t like doing it. What to do? Well, if you are the stand upper, call immediately and apologize. Do not pass go or collect $200 and never, under any circumstances, tell her that you were with another woman or having so much fun you lost track of time. You’ll find that as much of an Honest Jane as I am, I believe there is a time for omission and this is one of those times. Stand uppees, go to the gym and work it off. I ended up doing my personal best mile time and met a hot man with great delts.