Monday, August 6, 2012

Friends Lost

This weekend I thought a lot about an old friend of mine from college.  While A and I were on a road trip, we saw a couple driving down the freeway in their convertible with the top down.  A said it looked like they were having fun and this got me thinking about my college chum who had a convertible.  We spent many a Friday evening racing down the freeway from our college town two hours down the way to where her boyfriend and his friend lived.  Her boyfriend and I were chummy and his friend and I kept trying to make something work, but we were neither of us really much into one another.  It was fun to be a foursome, though, so we kept it up for that reason alone.

Anyhow, I have nothing but fond memories of this friend.  I even remember running to her for solace when something hurtful happened right around graduation.  After graduation, I moved to P____ and...  And what? I honestly can't remember if I ever spoke to her again after I ran to her for solace.  I have a vague sense that I might be "in trouble" with in, we may have gotten into a fight before I moved out of town, but I honestly can't remember.  I might just feel a slight guilt for walking away and never looking back.  I can't believe that my passing acquaintance with marijuana in my youth has affected my memory like this, so I attribute my memory issues to two major surgeries under general anesthesia.  (It was really after these that I noticed the problem.)

I have memories from when I was four years old and younger, but I can't remember large chunks of high school or college, and now graduate school is starting to fade.  I remember things I need to know for work, but I find that my mind is not as sharp as I'd like it to be.  I can do easy crosswords and all levels of Sudoku like a house on fire, but critical thinking of the professional kind is difficult.  Not impossible: I'm not irresponsible and I often come up with ideas that turn out to be vital to my business partners.

High school friends: can't remember.  I remember the people I used to ride the bus with every day and I remember the people I was in class with for all four years, but anyone that I had a shorter friendship with...I just can't seem to remember details of our relationship.  There was one fellow named Trent that I know I was friends with...probably briefly, but still, I remember being at his house.  I remember being friends.  But I can't remember a single exchange or words we ever shared with one another.  There is another high school friend that I remember more clearly, though his name escapes me now - I remember parties at his house (but now I came to be included as the group were not my everyday people) and even spending time one on one, especially after my boyfriend of many years dumped me.  But how did our friendship end?  Did I make the effort to say goodbye before I moved to college?  Did I see him any summertime when I visited back home?  I think not.

I believe I legitimately have a memory problem.  I can't remember words a lot of times and sometimes struggle with names of people I see every week.  But I think I also turn my face to the future and forget about what and who are behind me. Maybe this is somewhat natural as we move forward in life.  I know we don't necessarily have brain space or time to maintain friendships with everyone we were ever friends with, but hurts a little when I think of friends I would still like to know.  I think it hurts more to remember the friends who's friendship ending I can't remember than to remember the few friends with whom I've actually had a falling out to cause the end of our friendship.

I thought about making business cards to hand out to people indicating my memory problems - as in,
Hi.  I have a memory problem.  
£Can you please remind me your name when we meet again as I will remember you, but probably struggle to remember your name?
£I think I know you, but can't place you.  Do you remember me?  Can you remind me your name and how/where/why I know you?
£If I just said I would email you, call you, get you some information or do anything for you at a later date, please email me at or I will forget.

That's funny.  What was I saying?  I already forgot.