Inspiration

I have lots of notebooks around with little notes scribbled randomly throughout them. I'm actually working on keeping one handy and then transferring the information to a more usable format, such as here, before recycling the pages. Here's a few excerpts from the one I'm using right now:

• Integrity <--> Integration
• Individuation
• Being honest means you have less to keep track of. (Less worry about who knows what!)
• Feedback, not Failure
• Do I dislike to consequences enough to make a change?
• Value yourself first
• You should only be incompetant at one thing at a time. [A personal quote relating to my own feelings of overwhelm.]
• Feeling --> Trying to feel (How get there? Be specific!)
• Will this matter in 6 months?
• If you're bored, maybe you bore others.

Synchronicity

When I started working at my new job, I was surprised to find a small framed picture of bamboo in the upper corner shelf of the workspace I share with my boss. It's a faded pastel toned colored line drawing in a boxy white frame and has the word "serenity" printed beneath it. I found that very reassuring at the time and continue to be reassured by it. Recently, my boss added a small book on serenity to the space as well. Another sign that I'm in the right place.

I wish there were signs in other arenas of my life that I continue to question.

Personal Growth: Thoughts on Maturity

Long talk on maturity last night in the wee hours. As a certifiable age-snob with a preference for those older than me, maturity as a concept, is something I think I've got a pretty good hold on, but let's see how close I could come to Websters - I'm guess it uses the term "age-appropriate" in the definition. Websters says:

Maturity:
1 : the quality or state of being mature; especially : full development
2 : termination of the period that an obligation has to run

Mature:
1 : based on slow careful consideration
2 a (1) : having completed natural growth and development : RIPE
(2) : having undergone maturation
b : having attained a final or desired state
c : having achieved a low but stable growth rate
d : of, relating to, or being an older adult : ELDERLY
3 a : of or relating to a condition of full development
b : characteristic of or suitable to a mature individual

Wow, this was not what I expected. Maturity as a concept seems to be more about having reached "full development" but I wonder how this relates to full potential. The definition "having attained a final or desired state" might suggest that meeting one's full potential would be the end of maturing, but I wonder, "desired by whom?" There are people who do not desire any further growth, probably think they are mature and in whom I see a lot more potential. In last nights conversation about maturity, my friend queried, "Is there a point in one's years when a person reaches a level of maturity and stays there?" Well, per Webster, we may be erroneous in thinking of levels of maturity - fruit and wine are either mature/ripe/ready or not. I don't even ask if people are that way, because as a feminist/relativist thinker, of course I consider there to be a scale and I think the issue is just one of semantics.

Personal learning and growth is one of my core values, so I'm constantly seeking the way to growth. I almost wrote "better myself" but I realize that doesn't really express it and self-betterment also carries with it a tinge of the idea that I might possibly know what is better for myself. There is also an idea with self-betterment that things may also be better, cleaner, prettier or somehow more positive, whereas with growth, I think sometimes things get messier, at least at first. For example, when I started learning to communicate my feelings of anger, I often overshot my goal, said it wrong or whatnot, so my life actually got messier for a time. In the end, I do think we are "better" for having grown, but I guess part of the learning I've accomplished in my growth has been that I'm perfect right now and doing the best I can with what I have available. Given that, I can't possibly be better.

Okay, enough psychobabble. Is maturing a process that ends? My opinion: for some people, yes - for some, no. Alcoholics (and likely other addicts), for example, get stunted in their emotional growth and often retain the maturity of a teenager. Psychologists say that they can resume their growth when they attain sobriety, but I have not always seen that they do - I think the possibility is there, but it requires a personal dedication. I don't think that is exclusive to addicts, either - I think beyond our growing years, there may be a tendency to stagnate if we aren't feeding ourselves the right mental/emotional/spiritual food for growth. That food is what keeps us growing/changing/maturing. What is it? Probably varies for everyone - for me, it includes an exploration of the dao, personal journey into spiritual realms, working with a therapist and lots of exposure to and exploration of the meaning of words.

To continue along that track, I also think that kids and teenagers need a lot of exposure while they are in their growing years to these foods, whatever they may be for them - since we can't possibly know, it would behoove us to expose them to LOTS of different models. This is the same way I feel about their physical health - if kids don't eat dirt and get exposed to germs, they never develop a proper immune system; if they (and we) don't eat lots of different foods, we never develop a wide palate and/or get the nutrition we need! It's really one and the same desire to have a wide array of experience - even if we then choose to walk a more narrow road, at least it was choice and not something that was foisted upon us due to the limits of our exposure.

For my part, as someone who has used and accepted the label "mature" since I was about 11, I now rescind that label based on Websters definition. I hope the day I wake up mature is my last on this planet - I'd love to look on this earth with mature eyes for just a day before ascending to nirvana.

Note to Self - Remember the Four Agreements

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

I like that this isn't just about honesty, but also about how to use the power of our words for good. Even though I use words very loosely, I love definitions and etymology of words and know they do have power.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

Someone told me once that when a man says something to a woman, if it can be taken two ways and one of them is hurtful, he meant it the other way. I think that's generally true. Seinfeld also said that men are walking around, looking around, thinking about nothing and I think that's generally true of most people...well, at least they aren't generally thinking about me. I am the center of my own world and likewise every other individual is the center of their own, so it's not about me.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

I don't even have to say what people say about that.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

It's true - when I don't do my best, I question myself and feel guilty. Okay, I'm off to do my best to start working on my thesis.

From: The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

Note to Self - Remember Your Core Values

Integrity -
1 : firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values : INCORRUPTIBILITY
2 : an unimpaired condition : SOUNDNESS
3 : the quality or state of being complete or undivided : COMPLETENESS
synonym see HONESTY

I really like these definitions and feel freed by having these synonyms for integrity as I may have laid a guilt trip on my door by holding a "firm adherence to a code of especially moral...values." Rather than focusing on someone else's moral values, I think I'll focus on being sound and complete within myself and honest both within and without.

Serenity - the quality or state of being serene
1 a : clear and free of storms or unpleasant change b : shining bright and steady
2 : AUGUST -- used as part of a title, as in: His Serene Highness
3 : marked by or suggestive of utter calm and unruffled repose or quietude

I have been talking lately of subtlety, but I realize now I've been meaning serenity. I do want to laugh loudly with abandon, I do want to live out loud, I don't want to go quietly into this good night, but I want to do it all while shining bright and steady and remaining unruffled in the face of the storms of modern life.


Personal Development (Learning and Growth) -
Some concepts related to development:

• to set forth or make clear by degrees or in detail : EXPOUND
• to make visible or manifest
• to elaborate (a musical idea) by the working out of rhythmic and harmonic changes in the theme
• to work out the possibilities of
• to create or produce especially by deliberate effort over time
• to make active or promote the growth of
• to make available or usable
• to move (a chess piece) from the original position to one providing more opportunity for effective use
• to cause to unfold gradually
• to expand by a process of growth
• to cause to grow and differentiate along lines natural to its kind
• to acquire gradually
• to go through a process of natural growth, differentiation, or evolution by successive changes
• to become gradually manifest; to come into being gradually

Wow. And here's one that wasn't in the original list, but since I'm looking up words and gaining such useful understanding -

Authentic - true to one's own personality, spirit, or character.

Yep, the dictionary is my favorite book of all time.

Definitions from: Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

The Impostor

I've been trying to write a post about my core values, how I discovered them, how I'm developing them and the challenges to acting in alignment to them, but I'm finding it extraordinarily difficult to post a blog that has meaning and connection to my heart in that way. In my personal growth work, I've identified a pattern of acting as an "Impostor" in my own life. The Impostor is ultra-competent, always compassionate and embodies integrity to the nth degree. Impostor never feels insecure, always knows the answers and never makes mistakes. Of course, the impostor is also not human or possible, but with superficial friendships, distant professional relationships and short term time frames, it it possible to pull off sometimes...but it doesn't feel good.

I am actually a highly competent, but procrastinating and sometimes lazy professional. I am compassionate but also sometimes cynical and judgemental. I hold integrity as a core value and regret the breaches of integrity I have made but am also still fallible and make mistakes every day. I vacillate between intense confidence and depressing insecurity in many arenas of my life. Challenges to my knowledge and differing opinions make me anxious and responding to them is difficult. I tend to think in extremes - black and white - all or nothing - when it comes to interpersonal relationships. I take things very personally.

Maybe I'm doing some interior spring cleaning since I'm on spring break this week...or maybe it's just another way to avoid working on my thesis, but either way, there is use to working on how I relate to the world. So here's the concept: today is the first day of the rest of my life and I'm going to work on being more authentic ... starting now. Right now. Yep - here I am world - naked, scarred, scared and flawed - and perfect, starting now.