I've been trying to write a post about my core values, how I discovered them, how I'm developing them and the challenges to acting in alignment to them, but I'm finding it extraordinarily difficult to post a blog that has meaning and connection to my heart in that way. In my personal growth work, I've identified a pattern of acting as an "Impostor" in my own life. The Impostor is ultra-competent, always compassionate and embodies integrity to the nth degree. Impostor never feels insecure, always knows the answers and never makes mistakes. Of course, the impostor is also not human or possible, but with superficial friendships, distant professional relationships and short term time frames, it it possible to pull off sometimes...but it doesn't feel good.
I am actually a highly competent, but procrastinating and sometimes lazy professional. I am compassionate but also sometimes cynical and judgemental. I hold integrity as a core value and regret the breaches of integrity I have made but am also still fallible and make mistakes every day. I vacillate between intense confidence and depressing insecurity in many arenas of my life. Challenges to my knowledge and differing opinions make me anxious and responding to them is difficult. I tend to think in extremes - black and white - all or nothing - when it comes to interpersonal relationships. I take things very personally.
Maybe I'm doing some interior spring cleaning since I'm on spring break this week...or maybe it's just another way to avoid working on my thesis, but either way, there is use to working on how I relate to the world. So here's the concept: today is the first day of the rest of my life and I'm going to work on being more authentic ... starting now. Right now. Yep - here I am world - naked, scarred, scared and flawed - and perfect, starting now.