Domestic Goddess

I got home late...again.

This happens surprisingly often, but sometimes, on my good days, things are just flowing at the office and it's easy to keep going. The hours fly by and then it's 7 o'clock before I'm leaving for home. Tonight, A surprised me by having dinner in the make when I arrived. As I was finishing up a conversation on my phone, he set the table and when I hung up, it was hello, sit down and here's a beautiful salad and chick'n cordon bleu (not real chicken) with peaches for dessert.

I feel pretty lucky at the moment. And well-fed. Smart man, very smart man.

Lake Chelan ...in Review

Drove back from Lake Chelan today. Loooooong drive back. Return trips always seem so much longer, probably because I'm not looking forward to the vacation but instead looking forward to coming home, unpacking, returning to work, cleaning up after the vacation, etc., etc.

Lake Chelan was beautiful, I loved the town, loved our condo and think I could have had a wonderful time, but I will admit that it wasn't all flowers and candy. Every day my travelling companions found something to complain about:

• the weather sucks
• the weather is great - the weatherman sucks
• there's nothing to do here (despite a book with 101 things to do in Lake Chelan)
• if there was Internet, we'd be able to find things to do
• my back hurts, why am I sleeping on the hide a bed?
• stop offering me a real bed, of course I'll sleep on the hide a bed

But there was also a lot that was enjoyed, including:

• The Vogue - Internet cafe - good coffee, nice atmosphere, definitely a great community space
• The Bear Market - Natural foods market - great selection, reasonable prices
• The Bear Market Cafe - crepes! Need I say more? I will, though - these crepes are WONDERFUL! Go there! The crepes are fantastic and the guys working the cafe are super friendly. They even gave me the recipe so I can start making crepes at home!
• Blueberry Hills Farms - we had lunch here one day, but the real attraction is the pie! I don't even like pie, but the mixed berry pie was yummy!
• Tsillan Cellars Winery - I missed this, but everyone loved the winery and agreed it was the best one. Modelled after a 15th century Tuscan villa, the buildings and landscaping were gorgeous and the wine was the best. Based on the sample I tasted out for pizza, I'm inclined to agree - it's some of the best wine I've ever had.
• A great scenic drive thru Chelan Butte, which I also missed, but which was described to me in great detail and included amazing scenic vistas and even a ghost town.
  

It's ironic and telling that some of the family's favorite moments were things that I missed, but A assured me that at each of those moments, my absence was noted and I was missed. I bowed out on these activities to enjoy some alone time which I spent mostly enjoying the silence and solitude of our room after the regular clamor and noise of this family. I'm not sure if my nerves can handle many more full family vacations or if I can believe A's sister's "Never again." commentary, but I do think that I learned a lot and that maybe, just maybe ;) A's worth it.

Fighting Dirty

This article is ridiculous.

But the fact that the opening line: "Do you go from zen to harpy in no time when it comes to arguing with your guy?" spoke to me says a lot. I don't actually do any of the 8 signs mentioned in the article and I don't ever consciously manipulate my boyfriend... But...

...let's just say I realize that I could allow myself to be wrong sometimes, he could (and IS!) right sometimes and sometimes nobody is really right or wrong or better or worse. I'm learning a lot being in relationship with A and I'm grateful to him for reminding me always that he's doing the best he can.

Relationship Building ... Thru Tetris?

We got a couple of my old favorite video games for Wii - Dr. Mario and Tetris. They are both just like the classic games, but Tetris has a few other features that are pretty fun. In Wii Tetris Party, up to 4 people can play at a given time and there are lots of different competitions available. There is also a cooperative mode that A and I have been playing with mixed results. In this mode, both players get the long straight peice, but only one player gets all the squares, L's and J's and the other player gets all of the T's, S's and Z's.

We've found several ways that Cooperative Tetris is like a relationship:

1. Team building - We're working together to clear lines off the screen and that requires figuring out how we want to do certain things. Just like in our relationship when we're trying to accomplish something or just get along. We noticed that when we don't talk about our strategies, we don't do as well. Point taken, I hope.

2. Stress management - When the pieces start coming more quickly or if we make a mistake and things start stacking up, we find ourselves freaking out and sometimes even yelling at one another! Yeah, it's only a game, but think about it - when stresses start building up in a relationship, how do you cope?

3. Seeing the other's point of view. - Despite playing this game a lot, A and I have always played the same side - I've always had the Z's and S's and he's always had the L's and J's - until last night. After getting frustrated with me for always "coming over to his side," A decided we should switch roles and see how we did. I compared it to a role play like a counselor might suggest - he had no idea how hard it was to play with those pieces and understood my strategies and invasions into his territory so much better. And I got a window into why my coming over to his territory would be so annoying to him.

I don't necessarily think any counselors are going to be prescribing team Tetris for couples having trouble, but I do find myself surprised at the lessons from this unexpected source. Just another reminder that when the student is ready, the teacher will be there.

Did that really happen?

I used to have trouble telling dreams from my day world. I could fly until I was ten and got caught by a friend. Needless to say, when I approached her in my waking life and asked her not to tell anyone, she had no idea what I was talking about. That's when I realized there was a difference and sadly, that's when I stopped flying.

Last night, after dinner with friends and a single Perfect Cocktail (it really was perfection on ice), I started falling asleep in the car on the way home. I was so sleepy, but the transition between asleep in the car and getting into bed woke me up, as it usually does. My partner and I then had a conversation that I brought back up this morning, unsure if I'd fallen back to sleep in the middle of it or if we'd finished it. In any case, I thought reiterating my apology from the night before was appropriate.

But he didn't remember having that conversation. And this isn't the first time this has happened. I often feel like he's pulling my leg - like he remembers the conversation I'm referring to, but thinks it's funny to "not remember" or just doesn't want to talk about it. Or maybe he doesn't really remember - a couple weeks ago, the dog woke us up in the middle of the night barking at ghosts (I mean that literally) and we talked about it in the morning. That evening, he denied that we'd ever had that conversation or that we had just discussed him running into a mutual friend unexpectedly at the local market. He looked at me suspiciously and asked, "How do you know that?!"

I find this exhausting, but it also reminds me that night worlds have validity and reality, too. Maybe I should try to be more lucid in my dreams again? And maybe my partner and I shouldn't try to have conversations when one or both of us are falling asleep.

Breakfast

My business partners and I decided to close our clinic due to the nasty weather and a light schedule, so we're all staying home yesterday, today and maybe the rest of the week. I am releived, because I had no intention of driving when the roads are so icy. I keep saying it's all about what other people might do, but it's really just about the unpredictability of driving on ice. Some tanker truck rolled over on the freeway yesterday and I have no intention of being in the path of something like that.

So yesterday I stayed home, blogged, uploaded photos, slept, read, slept some more and refused to leave the house when A returned home in the evening and suggested driving the truck over to some friends' house to play games. I was out like a light by 9pm - hello, jet lag. This morning, I was up early at 5-something and couldn't go back to sleep so I got up and commenced more blogging, photos, etc. Eventually A got up and started getting ready for work. When it was time to go, he did the sweetest thing, though: he took me out for breakfast.

We headed over to one of our favorite local coffee shops, Insomnia Coffee Co (tied as favorite with the Iron Mutt Coffee Co), for bagels and coffee before he dropped me back off and headed into work. What a sweet heart to help me avoid cabin fever, feed me (we still haven't bought any groceries since we got home), caffeine me (zoom! zoom! zoom!) and then get out of my hair for the day! (Just kidding...sort of.)

I wonder if and how I could pleasantly surprise him?

Two Years and Counting...

A and I celebrated our 2nd anniversary yesterday. Two years together and so much has changed. He's a much different person than the man I started dating. I have to imagine that I'm also a very different person.

Ding, Dong, The Truck is Gone!

I feel like some transition is complete. I'm moved into A's house and now I've sold my truck. Somehow, having my truck was something left of my pre-living-with-A life and now it's gone. I don't know why it feels so symbolic, but there is definitely a different feeling now that we have his and hers VW Golfs in the driveway. Have I gone from hippie earth cookie doctor to yuppie physician?

It's also weird that I talk about what "we" have all the time now. I don't say it without some self-consciousness, but I still say it and haven't been questioned or corrected to date. As in, "we still have a pick up truck for hauling things around and taking the kayak out."

Anyways, the happy news about the truck selling is that it breaks me even so that I'm in a much more stable financial place in addition to saving money on gas with my new car every month. So, from here onward, if I can continue to keep spending in check, things are just going to get better.

Addendum: I just remembered that this was one of my goals! Goal #26 - CHECK!

It's All Fun and Games Until...

Someone gets their eye poked.

Somehow A and I have a these weird things that happen in our sleep. We've each gotten socked in the face several times, there have been rolling-over-on's and now, an eye poke. I'm unclear exactly on how it happened, but somehow he stretched with his arm extended in the air over my part of the bed and his finger(s) pointed at the exact moment that I returned to bed from a nature call and lay back down. The pointed fingers landed right in my eye.

Luckily I hadn't flopped quite as vigorously, but it still hurt and there was little sleep after that.

Another List of Ways to Improve My Outlook

"Sorry, it'll get better when..." has become a mantra for me. Mostly in my relationship with A, but also with other friends (and family?), I find myself reciting this. Things will get better when some external force in my life gets better. No. Things will get better when I decide to make it better. I have found myself promising change to my partner for months (years?) without changing anything other than the excuse and I'm fairly ashamed of myself. Not deep-shame-ashamed, but embarrassed-ashamed. I'm constantly encouraging A to adjust and change and open up, but I think I need to change just as much (more?). So, what can I do? This is what I can do:

1. Change my work schedule.
I've been promising to get weekends off for months (years?) and still work Saturdays. Having Sundays off is a boon and really helps, but it's the only day off and that's taking its toll on me. In October, I plan to ask for a change in my schedule. I'm not sure what that's going to look like, but my plan is to change the schedule in October, work less by January and have weekends off by next May. Stay tuned for progress.

2. Deal with stress.
I think I'm just not dealing right now. I need to develop some routines that will help me come home without carrying the stress of my jobs. The long slow drive home through the country is really nice and maybe starting going to the gym (next week?) again will help. Walking the dog is a nice activity, as is working and cooking in the kitchen.

3. Apologize for my mistakes and not make excuses.
First it was being in school, then it was studying for boards, then it was opening my business, lately it's been the move and now it's not being settled (unpacked). These are all perfectly good reasons to have stress, but not good reasons for treating my partner like crap. I have been a bitch sometimes and need to acknowledge that, apologize for it sincerely and try not to let it happen again.

5. I need to lighten up and have some fun!
A really likes getting out and being social. I remember when I did, too, but lately even playing seems like work. I think I need to have some real fun with my close friends so I remember that I like playing with others.

6. Eat, sleep, move.
Okay, it's not as catchy or as new age as Eat, Pray, Love, but we all gotta do those things, too.

Okay, I'm moving now...moving straight away from this computer.

What Sunday Night Turned Into

Sunday night turned into a big ole mess is what Sunday night turned into. Somehow we got to talking about the moving in and the difficulties and he got more resistant and reluctant and I got less zen and compassionate and more ... I wish I could say sassy here, but it's simply not that cute ... pissy. It was ugly. It was so bad that I was still upset Monday morning and it took hours to get through the venting process. Luckily for me, my coworker is a good listener and doesn't allow those rants to influence her opinion of me, A, our relationship, our future or my friendship with her.

I can't even remember how it started, but I remember there was some resistance to things that had been earlier agreed upon and then things just escalated. I think the piece de resistance (no pun intended) was when he said, '...and you made me miss the closing ceremonies to the Olympics to help you with this,' after he helped me do something that a.) I hadn't asked for his help with, b.) I could have done without him and c.) we both seemed to enjoy doing together once we got going. (Not to mention the feeling of accomplishment at having done it and the important fact that this task, vital for my comfort and health living there, is now completed, a week after I moved in.)

So, Sunday sucked. But Monday was back to compassionate zen. We cleaned out the fridge together, made and ate dinner and recylced a bunch of stuff. He was helpful, I was relaxed and we had a lovely evening together. So, clearly it'll be up and down for a while. I guess compassion means being compassionate about those things too.

So Much to Say

I think I could blog or talk about moving all day long for several days in a row. Tonight I realized that this is home, this is where I live. I can't really claim to live at my condo any more when most of belongings are here and I've slept here for the past week. Yes, it's been a week. I still don't have a closet, the dog only leaves the bedroom being carried, and my belongings, including half of my clothes and all of my food, are in the garage, but this is home. And I'm adjusting. I'm easily adjusting to the long, lovely drive through the country to get to my clinic in the morning and to waking up next to my partner every morning.

Not so easy are his criticisms of everyday behaviors like throwing my towel on the bed. It's hard not to come back with a sassy 'get the bed out of my office/dressing room and I won't throw wet towels on it.' That may come out soon, but for now, I'm still feeling pretty zen and compassionate. Compassionate to the difficulty that this man has making space for me in his home. Though he loves me and loves having me here, my moving in is clearly difficult. I imagine that I take up a lot more space than his previous live-in girlfriend who moved in at a very young age with few belongings and a significant power differential. I don't know if she demanded a whole room for an office, a whole bathroom for her own personal and mysterious uses, complete control over the kitchen and his sharing of the PlayStation.

I'm getting better at not thinking about her and making comparisons, but she still comes up, mostly for me. Today I asked A if the woman's shampoo's in my shower were hers from four years ago. He laughed and said he wasn't ever that hung up on her. They're his moms as are the other miscellaneous womanly things I found upstairs. Hm. All I have to say on that is never get between an Indian woman and her son.

I told A he's the first boyfriend I've ever lived with. He didn't believe me at first. I don't know if he believes it now, though it's mostly true. My friend and neighbor is 47 and has never lived with a man. I go back and forth between feeling like I'm not so bad and thinking I'm a monster for that first thought. Is there something wrong with not having lived with a partner til x age? Moot point for me now, because even if his not-really-letting-me-move-in and towel fits drive me away, I can say that I lived with him.

In any case, I shouldn't let my thoughts ramble so, I've got boxes to shuffle and unpack, things I need immediately to locate and one box that I'd forgotten about until just now that leaked water during loading, though it shouldn't have had anything wet in it. Better get on with that.

Morning Tea

I admire men who treat their women well. Every day of their lives together, my father made my mother a glass of tea in the morning before he left for work. He often worked much earlier than her, but she would awake to find her tea, ice gone melty, beside her bed waiting for her. This, more than a rose or a love note, was true love. This was romance. At work, I often overhear conversations between my coworkers and their friends, family or who knows who? Usually, because we’re in a room full of people, I get no clues about who my coworker is speaking with – there is no change in tone, very few words whispered hurriedly and no terms of endearment. One exception stands out: a rough hewn gentleman who’s voice goes soft as he tenderly talks to his ‘baby’ about dinner tonight or how she feeling. It’s very sweet and endears him to me.

I would like to say that I admire women who treat their men well, but I don’t think that way. Perhaps because, as was my first instinct on pondering that, most women (that I know) treat their men well, so it’s no exception. This suggests that the men I’ve used as examples are…well, exemplary…and I think they are, but I could fill a book with the sweetnesses of men. My own dating history is filled with such wonderful treatment that my friends in college asked what I was doing to get such treats and treatment from my boyfriends. That might be it or it might be that I appreciate on behalf of my sex the kindness of men towards women. It’s certainly true that I also appreciate women who are more friendly towards other women and less catty. Maybe it’s also that I like to treat my men well with the gifts I have to give: warm regard, fun, acceptance, laughter, delicious food and affection, so other woman providing similar seems unremarkable.

I remember one boyfriend in college that I met too soon. He was conservative in a way that has nothing to do with politics. Weeks of dating and we never even kissed – instead we talked about religion and politics – passionately, but never confrontationally. We held hands and walked in the park, we went out to dinner, we danced, we laughed. I was just crazy about him, but eventually ended the relationship because I couldn’t handle the differences in our dating cultures at that time. In later conversations, we both acknowledged that he had treated me like a queen. He complained that I hadn’t treated him as a king. At the time, I had no idea that he was unhappy with my treatment of him – maybe he really was, maybe it’s only in retrospect or maybe it was because I rebuffed his advances when we met up years later. In any case, I remember those words only too well too, and try to do better.

Feeling Accomplished...and Patient

Vacation in the Midwest recovery complete. Clothes are in the wash, house cleaned up to pre-vacation standards, new food experiments completed and in progress, desk down to active projects, checkbook balanced. Oh yes, I feel very accomplished.

And I also feel proud of my patience and helpfulness this week. It's a strange thing that I've noticed several times today that I feel bad, as if one would think I'm conceited, when I say good or nice things about myself. That's crap - does the media instill this thinking in me? Where ever it comes from, I don't like it and I jettison it. Or I put it in a bubble and blow it away. Whatever.

In any case, I have been patient and helpful to my partner this week and it feels good. He's asked for my help a few times and I've helped. And realized that when I ask for his help and then promptly reject it, it doesn't help me, him or our relationship. We've also spent some time socializing with friends and when I was ready to leave and he wasn't, I just waited it out doing the social butterfly thing since I couldn't sit still a moment longer and it worked out great - even superficial connections with people are like are to be cherished sometimes. And, against my initial instincts, when he's arrived at my house hungry asking for something to eat, I haven't yelled at him (more than the first time), but have instead told him what I have that could be easily and quickly prepared. I feel like all this is a very good sign of the health of our partnership.

And he's helped me right back. And not judged me for the times I did yell (screech). And he drank the chalky smoothie I made us tonight. Without complaint. This could be the start of a beautiful relationship.

Hunting for...something better?

I'm not a very good hunter...maybe if I was hunting animals, I would be, because I latch onto the one that I want and can't stop thinking about it, pursuing it, planning how to get it. When it's houses I'm hunting, I'm not sure that my very high level of attachment is an asset. I saw 5 homes Wednesday night and I'm completely bereft at the thought that we're not going to buy the one that I fell in love with.

The first one we saw was really lovely and I thought it was perfect. The second one we saw needed a lot of work to update it, but was very large and could even have 1-2 more rooms added in an extra tall crawl space later. The third one is barely worth mentioning, although it's interesting that it's the same builder and layout as several we have liked - this one only had 3 bedrooms though and just seemed much smaller and cramped. The fourth was perfect for us. And the fifth was god-awful with the messiest paint job I've ever seen in day-glo green and orange. So, with 3 possibles, we spent a lot of time looking and comparing and #4 has all the great qualities we're looking for:

• move-in ready (no major work needed)
• space for a video/gaming room with a door
• a good kitchen
• nice master suite
• plenty of room (2500 sf 5 bedrooms)
• ample bathrooms (3 and a half!)
• living room and family room (in addition to video room)
• great entertaining space
• enough room for children and parents
• outdoor space that could accommodate a small garden for me and a run for Chibo
• front porch and back deck
• we'd be above our neighbors, so they wouldn't be looking in on us
• two car garage
• not too many stairs coming into the home (interestingly, it's right across the street from the home we loved best that had too many stairs!)

The negatives are:

• over-priced
• not so handsome outside (although I think we could paint trim to spruce it up)
• electric range (although realtor said he'd get the gas line extended for the range)
• master bath upstairs not as nice as some we've seen - just a regular shower/tub and a single sink instead of a double sink with a soaking tub and separate shower -- I could deal with this though for the rest of the house (and there is a soaking tub in the downstairs master which would be the video room)

I can't think of any other negatives, although I know A could probably come up with more. He's very thrown by the fact that this house has dual master bedrooms. One on the main and one upstairs. For me, I love this, because we can move his or my parents into the master on the main if they need to live with us at some point or we can move down there when our children are grown enough that we want space from them! To me, it's a win-win situation, but it's fairly weird for him. And if both his and my parents needed to live with us, in addition to the master on the main, there is another bedroom on the main. We'd probably use it as an office in the meantime, but even with a full house - both our parents, ourselves and 2 kids in their own rooms, we'd still have an extra bedroom that could be used as an office, a livingroom and separate family room - I think this is more than enough space for now and the long term.

I cried in the car because I'm pretty sure A is not that motivated to buy. It's very frustrating because I want so much to begin living together instead of all this back and forth that I find draining (when I'm not even the one going back and forth!), but he seems content with the status quo. And then I feel guilty when there is so much else going on that we need to focus on: our parents' health, my business, him finding a new position. I guess I just feel like having a home together gives us such a stronger foundation for facing the other challenges and crises in our lives. I just have to keep breathing and remembering my mantra: if not this, something better.

If not this, something better...

What I Don't Like About Myself

I fight with my boyfriend a lot. Okay, maybe not a lot, and maybe it's not really fighting when I just yell and screech at him, but I do it more often than I like. Sometimes it makes me wonder...well, it often makes me wonder...are we really compatible if I'm always yelling? Am I just too set in my ways to welcome another person into my life? Am I protecting myself from getting too close? Am I just a bitch? Is he just a ___ ? Why does my voice do that when I'm angry? Why do I always cry when I'm really angry? Am I really a mean person?

Last night, I got mad. A met me at my house after work and was ready to take me out for dinner, a movie and some early Halloween shopping. It does make sense to be Halloween shopping right now because we're leaving for the next two weeks. However, even though it makes sense, I don't feel any urgency about it whatsoever. Until he starts talking about it and then I feel like I'm going to have a crappy costume, I'm not going to fit in, but I'm not going to stand out, I'm probably not going to have any fun at all and so on. So there was already the start of some tension - mostly due to my own weird, unhealthy and unconsciously driven thoughts.

Then I started having this weird anxiety. I called E since we were in the neighborhood and she decided to come shopping with us. I don't know why this added to my tailspin, but then A said something to me along the lines of: I just didn't want to spend another night at your house watching movies, I wanted to get you out, see some people, have some fun. I was mortified. Did that guy at the next rack (who I don't know and don't even care about) hear that? Did the cute girl with the funky bracelets he admired hear? Does he think she's more fun? Does he want to date her now? I was so pissed at him, after he basically said he just wanted to show me a good time, that I couldn't speak, we had to leave the store and I fought back tears for the next 30 minutes.

What I don't like about myself is how my internal dialogue is this panic driven, full throttle anxiety bomb. That A and E both have a fair bit of emotion to them sometimes doesn't help and let's not even start on my mother. But really, it's my dialogue. Any influence they have is based only on my permitting them to do so. How do we change our internal dialogue? Fake it until we make it? I like that method for changing other things, but I'm not sure it would work with myself. Would it go a little something like this:

Self: Wow, A admired her bracelets.
Self: She's a bitch.
Self: No, she's probably not a bitch. They're cute bracelets.
Self: You're a bitch.

Guess I'll have to work on some healthy self talk. In the meantime, I'm keeping my mouth shut a little more in the moment and that helps. Instead of screeching, A and I end up talking about my feelings which is a lot more effective and also helps me realize which ones are real and which ones are just me spinning my own wheels.

Who's Driving?

Ever notice how you argue about the stupidest things with your partner that you would never argue about with your friends? For instance, when I go places with my friends, we never argue about who's driving or who's turn it is to drive. If one of us has a reason to drive or not to drive, that gets stated up front and the appropriate person drives. Other than that, I think we both make internal assumptions about who's driving and then follow body cues about who's car we're walking towards. Sometimes there might even be the question, "who's driving?" usually followed quickly by someone volunteering, "I'll drive."

A and I have started having the strangest car chemistry. We actually have these strange almost-arguments about who drives. He usually uses a teasing tone, but I think he's serious. Usually we haven't established who is driving beforehand and I assume he's driving, because 1. his car is smaller, easier to park and gets better gas mileage and 2. he's always driven everywhere. Maybe he's tired of driving or maybe we just started a trend by taking my SUV camping, but these days he seems to want me to drive a lot more. I don't mind driving if we're going to do "my" plans or see "my" friends, but sometimes I resent it when they are "his" plans or friends.

Maybe we should just ride our bikes?

Three's Company

Last night A and E had a great evening – they got along better than ever , didn’t fight over me and didn’t interrupt one another. E even told me how much she enjoyed hanging out together. But I felt terrible about it. Is this the ugly monster of jealousy? Am I jealous that they were getting along? Would I rather they were fighting over me? I hope not, but I have to admit it might be. It might also be a product of the strange dynamic of three’s company.

Whenever I hang out in a threesome, I find it difficult because it’s hard for me to attend to two people at once. I’m very responsive with individuals, but become more superficial with more people. Four people is easy because you can naturally break into twosomes and groups of six to ten are pretty good because the ebb and flow is still manageable. More than ten and it starts to break down. That’s why I turn into a butterfly at parties – it’s hard to stay connected with one person when many other people’s energy is connecting and disconnecting all the time.

As E pointed out, I didn’t have this problem with I lived with R and J. The three of us literally called ourselves “Three’s Company” and we had a great year moving across the country and living together. I don't know what's different, but E has pointed out before how whenever we're all three together, A, E and I that is (O and U are out to lunch), someone ends up feeling left out or hurt. It's only happened twice that it's been me.

I have no conclusion - that's why it's been hard to finish this post - there's no easy solution. Except to pull out the three-person board games that I never get to play.