Monday, July 14, 2008

Feeling Zen... And Then...

Earlier this week, I was explaining to a friend of mine how I feel like I've recycled up a lot of the language and thought-process that I learned when I was doing some pretty intensive personal growth work. This was from about 5 years ago til about 2-3 years ago. In the intervening 2-3 years, I took what I called a practicing sabbatical from personal growth work. By the way, I don't consider 'personal growth work' a euphemism, but some would - it can mean therapy, it can mean working with a shaman, it can mean communication classes. In this instance, it means some combination of these - I spent several years working with an experiential educator who focused on sacred healing learning. Let's call her Betty, not because that is her name and not because she needs protection or anonymity, but because I like the name Betty. So, I was telling my friend that I was recycling these ideas - I read her something I'd written containing words like 'sacred,' 'co-creating,' 'intention,' and 'respect.' I said to my friend, "Isn't that so Betty?" and she replied, "No, B, it's all you."

She's right - it is me. I can own those words - they are only mine. Even with Betty's influence, I wrote that piece and it belongs to me. And then, I had to scratch my itch. The piece of writing it did is a contract of sorts or maybe a mission or vision statement. It's basically a pre-statement to the negotiation that is in progress. (In progress referring to the fact that we keep coming back to it, because it itches so much, and not to the fact that we're negotiating at this very minute - I would be a poor negotiator indeed if I blogged in the middle of a negotiation.) At any rate, I wrote that and got all kinds of zen feelings about how this was all going to work out.

And then I scratched. Until this situation resolves, one way or another, I will feel unsettled. There is also an important time element involved, so it needs to be brought up again and again until it gets resolved. But it sucks. Every time it gets brought up, I end up screaming like a banshee and or crying and sobbing. I didn't wish for my mommy, but I did cry for my daddy. Having lost my protective father and being in this situation where I wish I had a strong male ally who would take my side no matter what makes me wish for my dad more than ever, which of course just adds to my discontent and the drama of the situation.

I look forward to a resolution and to feeling zen again.

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