Tuesday, July 24, 2007


I think I'm depressed now that school's out. My friend, The Hypnotist, pointed out that finishing school is like losing your job, your community, your partner, your parents and your children all at once. Okay, he didn't say all that, but that's what I got from what he said and that's what I feel like. I feel totally adrift, without schedule, responsibility, commitment or motivation. That's not totally true, because I do get up every morning to go to my taiji class, I work most evenings, I still have lots of friends who are available if I want to play and a partner who is crazy about me - and I do mean crazy, because I wouldn't want to spend that much time with me right now and he still can't get enough. At any rate, I'm struggling because I really don't want to do anything.

I'd like to get out on the river and keep paddling, upstream or down is all the same to me. During my camping trip this weekend, I reminded myself of my mother - always moving, always doing something, always working on the next thing. I just couldn't relax. It's the opposite now that I'm home - I have all this studying to do and I just can't start. I lay in bed eating junk food, drinking Pepsi and watching movies. When I start cleaning the house, I'm able to get a lot done and I think I could clean and reorganize the whole garage in a couple hours if I didn't feel too guilty to take that time away from studying. I can whittle away a whole afternoon if I don't make it too obvious to myself that I'm avoiding my books. I have an appointment with my doctor today and I'm going to pursue medical leave from my boards. It may not be wise, but I also don't think it's wise to go into them without having touched a book.

Regarding friends, I also have this strange feeling about my friends. I've actually written down "call ___" and "make plans with ___" in my task list on my planner. I feel like there is something seriously wrong when plans with friends become a task to complete or accomplish. I recently learned that a good friend is likely moving to Chicago soon and I just felt like closing the circle even more closely to avoid losing friends that way. I feel like I have too many friends (acquaintances) such that my priorities have become unclear - the people I really want to see and spend time with are getting lost in the shuffle.

The final contributor to my disquiet is that I still haven't heard from my birth-father about graduation. I called on fathers day a week before graduation and he said he was proud of me, but didn't say anything about coming (which was a relief because I didn't really want him here), but neither did he send a card or gift. It's not materialism that makes this disappointing, either. It's just the lack of investment that we have in one another. I don't necessarily want to be closer, but I suppose I want him to want to be closer. Not fair, I guess, but I'm the one suffering for it.

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