I ♥ Old Men

In trying to determine the highlight of my day, it's hard to choose between the two older gentlemen who I spoke with at work today. The first was an older gentleman that I helped find some green powder. He had read about spinach powder as a weight loss aid and wanted to try it. When I showed him the New Chapter Berry Greens, he was game to try it. We had a nice talk about fruits and vegetables. In addition to being spry, interesting and kind, he was old - I was delighted to learn that he was 75. I look forward to enjoying such health in my elder years.

The second older gentleman I spoke with ribbed me about my shortened name tag which has just a "B" on it. He asked if that's all I get, and I replied with my usual, "They weren't sure I was going to last, so they made sure they could reuse my name tag." And he almost brought tears to my eyes by saying, "Well, you're an A in my book."

It's a great day when you can't choose the best moment because there are too many.

Also grateful today for:

• A making dinner - yummy BBQ tofu and rice
• Fruit salad - free pineapple, cantaloupe and apples
• Feeling energized for the first time in a while!
• Connecting with Ree and my other Soul Sister

TV Free Me?

You know it’s bad when you’re trying to make a spreadsheet to track which TV shows to watch and are upset that America’s Got Talent is on at the same time as America’s Next Top Model. Wouldn’t it be great if America had talented top models? No knocks, gals and guys of the modeling industry, I know many of you are intelligent and talented individuals, in addition to being beautiful and photogenic – just easy targets…and stupidity, like assholes, occur at about the same rate in any group. (As for example, the ANTM winner who didn’t know the difference between a bird and a bat – is our education system really deteriorating so quickly?)

After reading this post on The Root, something must have stuck in my consciousness because a couple hours later as I was making said spread sheet (yes, I was in fact doing that, and yes, I was torn between beauty and talent), it finally sunk in. I shouldn’t be watching so much TV. Since I moved in with A, we watch a LOT of TV. He comes home and turns on the tube to chill after a hard day starting at his computer screen. My mom was laughing when I mentioned that “one of our” TVs has a computer hooked up to it as a DVR so we can “TiVo” shows – she said, “Is this the same daughter who begged me not to buy her a TV?” Yes. And no. I’m the same daughter, but now TV addicted.

A and I are only two people, but we have FOUR TVs. Four. One in his office which he keeps out of sentimental value (it’s from his parents old motel); an LCD in the living room which we sometimes watch TV or movies on, but mostly use for playing Rock Band; one in the bedroom in front of which we spend most of our evenings and my 13’’ TV-VCR combo which has yet to find a home, but which I’m planning to put in the guest bedroom. This is too many TVs and reminds me of the days when my housemates and I had three TVs set up all together and would be using them all simultaneously.

In addition to feeling like my evenings are a colossal waste of time and like I’m tied to the house, because I don’t want to miss X show, I have noticed that I feel aware of the TV in the bedroom even when it’s off and that A keeps the volume of the TV and on the rare occasions when we’re playing music, the stereo, godawful loud. I crave the quiet of neighborhood noise and dogs barking. I want to have a quiet music playing in the house that I might have to strain a little to hear. I want to eat at the dining room table and I want to feel like my evenings are my own. I want to spend my evenings engaged in meaningful work and restful recreation. When someone asks me what I did last night, I want to be proud of my answer. I don’t want to keep up with those Joneses.

TV Alternatives:

• take the dog for a walk
• unpack a box
• read a book
• work on a project/hobby

TV Goals:

• no TV in the bedroom after 9pm
• enjoy TV if I choose to watch something
• no more than 3 hours of TV per week

Taking Risks

I'm putting my job at risk to go on vacation in the Caribbean in December. This reminds me of the time I quit my job because my long-distance boyfriend was coming into town and I couldn't get time off. I regretted that decision intermittently since we broke up, but didn't think twice about it at the time. Was it worth it? Yes. I dated that man for another two years and we had a great reunion.

Will it be worth it if I lose my job in December? Maybe. The vacation will be worth a lot - visiting Haiti, Mexico and Jamaica with A will be so fun. But the negative experience of losing my retail job could be really bad - losing the freebies, losing the discount, losing my health insurance. Well, wish me luck, because our tickets are purchased, and I'm going either way.

Another List of Ways to Improve My Outlook

"Sorry, it'll get better when..." has become a mantra for me. Mostly in my relationship with A, but also with other friends (and family?), I find myself reciting this. Things will get better when some external force in my life gets better. No. Things will get better when I decide to make it better. I have found myself promising change to my partner for months (years?) without changing anything other than the excuse and I'm fairly ashamed of myself. Not deep-shame-ashamed, but embarrassed-ashamed. I'm constantly encouraging A to adjust and change and open up, but I think I need to change just as much (more?). So, what can I do? This is what I can do:

1. Change my work schedule.
I've been promising to get weekends off for months (years?) and still work Saturdays. Having Sundays off is a boon and really helps, but it's the only day off and that's taking its toll on me. In October, I plan to ask for a change in my schedule. I'm not sure what that's going to look like, but my plan is to change the schedule in October, work less by January and have weekends off by next May. Stay tuned for progress.

2. Deal with stress.
I think I'm just not dealing right now. I need to develop some routines that will help me come home without carrying the stress of my jobs. The long slow drive home through the country is really nice and maybe starting going to the gym (next week?) again will help. Walking the dog is a nice activity, as is working and cooking in the kitchen.

3. Apologize for my mistakes and not make excuses.
First it was being in school, then it was studying for boards, then it was opening my business, lately it's been the move and now it's not being settled (unpacked). These are all perfectly good reasons to have stress, but not good reasons for treating my partner like crap. I have been a bitch sometimes and need to acknowledge that, apologize for it sincerely and try not to let it happen again.

5. I need to lighten up and have some fun!
A really likes getting out and being social. I remember when I did, too, but lately even playing seems like work. I think I need to have some real fun with my close friends so I remember that I like playing with others.

6. Eat, sleep, move.
Okay, it's not as catchy or as new age as Eat, Pray, Love, but we all gotta do those things, too.

Okay, I'm moving now...moving straight away from this computer.

Everybody's Got to Eat...But Not in my Car!

I have a bad habit of leaving my car windows open overnight - the occassional wet seat has never really broken this habit, but what I encountered this morning may! I opened my car door and started to lean in to put some things on the passenger seat...and came eye to eye with a huge SPIDER! It had built its web parallel with my door and was just lying in wait for...me?

I like snakes, but I hate spiders and my new house is full of them. One morning, I heard A nearly fall over in the bathroom. When I went to check, I learned he had been caught unawares by a spider hanging out in the toilet tissue. Now I think of that every time I reach. Unfortunately, A said the only thing that ever worked to bring down his unfortunately large spider population was Orkin, which even he hated and I consider toxic. Guess it's time to start exploring some natural spider remedies.

Suzie Homemaker

Despite my mother's urgings, or perhaps because of them (and her example), I've always had home-making aspirations. I think I would love to be a homemaker, though I'm not sure I could or would give up working now that I've found and trained for a career that I love. But my recent reading list and the move have definately rekindled those thoughts.

I spent much of last night cleaning out our food cupboard, pouring mysterious Indian ingredients into glass jars, emptying expired food into the garbage or drain so we could recylce the packaging and adding my food to A's collection. We are not going to starve, this much I know. Although we may get food poisoning if we're not careful. We both had food expired anywhere from 2002 to last month. Though part of me wants to exit much of these Indian ingredients that A keeps around for when his mother cooks, I feel like putting them in my jars gave me a kind of ownership over them and now the other part of me wants to cook them. I'll probably never make food like his mom's, but at least I can try to make Indian recipes without having to buy everything myself.

So, recently reading A Dress A Day has got me interested in sewing again. E bought me a sewing machine a couple of years ago at a church rumage sale and I've never cleaned, tuned or used it, but I find myself now wanting to learn to sew. I'm all ready to take it to the shop and sign up for a class. There's something about having one-of-a-kind clothing that you chose yourself that really appeals. Being able to make 8 dresses of the same style with different fabrics and details is also amazing - talk about a different take on a work wardrobe! The financial argument in this post helped me feel good about sewing even if something doesn't turn out right. Another couple posts I really liked are this one about style and this one about packing. Oh, and yes, this is what got me obsessed with packing.

On a totally different reading list topic, I've been reading Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver. In discussing raw food with E of late, I've had trouble accepting that raw food is THE way, mostly because so much raw food travels so far (coconut, tropical fruits, etc.). It wasn't even a carbon footprint issue with me, but more of a macrobiotic ideal. This book provides both an inspiring and entertaining memoir as well as many reasons to enjoy one's local food economy. I am sad to see that I'm beyond the 1/2 way point and will soon have finished this book.

Next up, a good Madhur Jaffrey cookbook for those Indian recipes. If my boss can make great samosas using her recipes, I should be able to make a passable Indian meal.

What Sunday Night Turned Into

Sunday night turned into a big ole mess is what Sunday night turned into. Somehow we got to talking about the moving in and the difficulties and he got more resistant and reluctant and I got less zen and compassionate and more ... I wish I could say sassy here, but it's simply not that cute ... pissy. It was ugly. It was so bad that I was still upset Monday morning and it took hours to get through the venting process. Luckily for me, my coworker is a good listener and doesn't allow those rants to influence her opinion of me, A, our relationship, our future or my friendship with her.

I can't even remember how it started, but I remember there was some resistance to things that had been earlier agreed upon and then things just escalated. I think the piece de resistance (no pun intended) was when he said, '...and you made me miss the closing ceremonies to the Olympics to help you with this,' after he helped me do something that a.) I hadn't asked for his help with, b.) I could have done without him and c.) we both seemed to enjoy doing together once we got going. (Not to mention the feeling of accomplishment at having done it and the important fact that this task, vital for my comfort and health living there, is now completed, a week after I moved in.)

So, Sunday sucked. But Monday was back to compassionate zen. We cleaned out the fridge together, made and ate dinner and recylced a bunch of stuff. He was helpful, I was relaxed and we had a lovely evening together. So, clearly it'll be up and down for a while. I guess compassion means being compassionate about those things too.