Aunt Cookies

My girl friend of 30 years is pregnant with her first child and I couldn't be happier for her.

I thought and worried that I would resent my friends getting pregnant (ever since I things changed such that I could not get pregnant) and I haven't attended a single baby shower in six years. But I don't resent her and I don't resent my situation. When she told me, my first response was joy. I was just so excited for her to have this experience and for this new person that is already so important to me.

I love children and have been surprised to find myself really attached to friends' babies. When I lost a close friend (to a falling out) a few years ago, it tripled my grief to lose my relationship with her two daughters. I had fantasized about being a great "aunt" to the girls and though I'm not really family, I hoped that they were distracted enough by the many other new things in the life not to feel that I left or abandoned them.

Maybe because my partner and I are continuing to move ever closer to adopting our own child, I'm losing my grief and resentment about my own situation and just getting more excited about the future joys of being a parent that I can share in the excitement of my friends. In any event, I'm happy for my friend and look forward to meeting this new person. And to seeing how my friend of 30 years evolves as a person and a parent in the next 30.

Shine

My friend Ree shines.

Addendum: What do you know?

My Best Friends' Ex-Boyfriends

In junior high, negotiating relationships and ex-relationships was easy. Any boy who didn't want to be with my gal pals was a jerk and I didn't talk to them anymore. And any girl who dated my friends' exes was some kinda something. Things are different now and I sometimes remain friends with friends' exes. Things are really different in that I now have become friends with friends' exes new girlfriends and wives.

I like to think we're all mature (read: ma-toor) enough to be in the same room together, but human emotions get involved and sometimes that's just not comfortable, not least of all for me. There's definitely a feeling sometimes of being in the middle. Take the other evening when I found myself with a close gal pal and her old flame's new wife. I hadn't been together with them before, so I was very conscious of the hugs and kisses I gave new wife in front of old girlfriend. Though we used to poke fun at new wife together, I've since gotten to know her and found her perfectly pleasant and nice to be around, but old girlfriend wasn't really around for the getting-to-know part.

I've also become quite close with the ex-boyfriend and his new wife of another friend. This ex-boyfriend had made something, let's call it a 'birdhouse' for lack of any other imagination on my part, for his ex-girlfriend, my good friend. This 'birdhouse' was given or taken back in the break up but has landed with me several times in the years since. In my recent move in with A, I declined to take the birdhouse with me and another friend took it to put in her 'yard.' I'm not losing sleep over this, but I am aware of the fact that when the ex-girlfriend-friend visits the home/yard where the birdhouse is now displayed, she might have a reaction.

I'm learning to let people have their own reactions, to be open and willing to talk about them and negotiate ways to keep people comfortable within my own home or event, but not to take responsibility for managing these people in other circumstances. I've also stopped being afraid to say an ex's name in front of the wrong people - these are people in my life, so they may get mentioned, although I try not to do it gratuitously. And finally, I've learned that there are some advantages to my having kept my dates outside of my own social circle for the most part.

What She Said

Another voice that echo’s through my head is from years ago when another friend told me that she didn’t even like talking to me anymore because I was so negative. While that may have been an appropriate wake-up call at the moment, it has negatively impacted our friendship and affected other friendships since then. Our relationship has been impacted by my desire not to seem too negative to this friend. To that end, I tell her mostly funny stories and everything is always “great!” when she asks how I’m doing. Sometimes it works out for me – the ends again – and I actually feel better after focusing on what is going great, but sometimes I feel distant and fake with my friend, like she no longer knows the real me that has problems.

I also do this with other friends. And then I feel fake with them. And then I wonder if they would like me if I told them that I was still sad about losing my father or that I was annoyed with my coworkers or that I got road rage and honked my horn at some jerk today. This is not a great place to live and not the person that I want to be.

And not only that, but as much as I think I’m being fakely or forcedly positive, the more negative things leak out – you just can’t be human and keep all that stuff tucked away inside.

So, I told that original friend about my recent ‘negotiations,’ and how hurt and frustrated I was during the process. And I apologized for being negative. And she brushed that aside and told me how she wanted to hear these things. And she gave me good advice. And we organically changed the conversation to more positive things at the right time. And I feel like that goes a long way to silencing the echo of those words said so long ago that she probably doesn’t even remember saying.

Intimate Friendships

Sometimes I am friendlier with people than I really feel. Like at a party, when someone sees you and gushes, “oh my god, I’m so glad you’re here. I haven’t seen you in ages,” and hugs, kisses, pinches, squeezes and generally gets way to close for someone you really haven’t seen or thought about in ages. I’m usually not the gusher, but the recipient of the gushing, not because I’m morally or socially superior, but because I’m shy. In the instances when I am the gusher, I am so embarrassed by my own behavior that my overzealous greeting is usually followed by equally and oppositely intense silence or even coldness.

I’m not even sure that I’m exactly bothered by this practice, because I can see that it just greases the social wheels and makes large events with relative strangers just a bit easier, but it’s something I notice. I have a buddy who says she doesn’t really have any friends, but whenever I see her in public or social situations, she’s surrounded by people…well, gushing over her. I guess the reason I bring it up has to do with 1. social networking sites online and 2. dilution.

First, social networking sites – I hate them. I tried MySpace, and I just don’t see the point. It’s another website to log onto and I just don’t have the time – I’d rather be face-to-face than Facebooking. It’s a shame to me that in many of the papers and magazines I’ve read lately, these sites are listed and discussed. It’s not enough that the people who choose to spend their time on them use up (trying to not use the more judgmental term “waste”) their time on these sites, but now articles are written and take up my newspaper space to discuss these sites. Yes, they are addictive – enough reporters have tried them out and written that conclusion, we don’t need another article about it. So, making “friends” on these social networking sites – this is one instance where this enhanced intimacy thing seems to happen – you’ve read that your “friend” is a red, is most like Cameron Diaz, would be a wood nymph rather than a wizard and maybe a few of their favorites (song, color, type of food, dog/cat, etc) and suddenly, they’re your best bud, even though you’ve never met in person, you don’t know if they have brothers, sisters, parents, children, real live friends or said favorite dog/cat, etc. It’s just weird and … sorta sad.

Now, that said, I know there are lots of people who only friend people they know in real life. I also know there are people who meet people from online in real life and develop real time relationships that are maintained and enhanced by their online relationship. But I hate hearing that my friend was hurt by someone “de-friending” them or no longer commenting on their blog when it’s someone that isn’t really a part of their life anyway. (I recognize that even online pals are really a part of someone’s life, but I just cannot conceive of having relationships that are solely online, anymore.)

Okay, so setting that rant aside, moving onto dilution. The solution to pollution is dilution, but this is not the solution to friendlessness or loneliness. Simply increasing the number of acquaintances one has and calling them friends doesn’t seem an effective method of personal growth, social support or pain relief. I have trouble making time for coffee with my local friends and colleagues, keeping in touch with my out of town friends and family and balancing that with maintaining my home life and career. And I’m really good at time management. When my friendships get diluted by knowing more people, it’s actually harmful to my close, personal relationships, rather than helpful. This is just the effect on my life, but I’ve also noticed the way it feels being just one of the many friends of people who are accumulating friends in this way. You can’t save me – I won’t remain in your “friend account” forever. Our friendship needs to be cultivated and developed or, despite our overly intimate physical greetings, I’ll be a friend on your friend’s list only.

Poetry: I Loved My Friend

I loved my friend.
He went away from me.
There's nothing more to say.
This poem ends
soft as it begins.
I loved my friend.

-Langston Hughes.

Poetry: Friendship

It is my joy in life to find
at every turning of the road
the strong arm of a comrade kind
to help me onward with my load.
And since I have no gold to give
and love alone must make amends,
my only prayer is while I live,
God, make me worthy of my friends.

- Unknown

Poetry: Friendship

I never came to you my friend
and went away without
some new enrichment of the heart,
more faith and less of doubt,
and more courage in the days ahead,
and often in great need,
come to you, I went away
comforted indeed.

Poetry: Friendship

A Poem for R

Through the years, our paths have crossed
time and time again.
Now we know for certain
we were meant to be friends.
Sometimes we share the same thoughts,
sometimes we disagree.
But I know I can always count on you,
as you can count on me.
Looking to the future,
there is a great unknown,
but I know not to worry
the seeds of friendship have been sown.

-KL