PS, DC, I love your timers

In DC, while I was doing all that walking, I learned to love the timers associated with the pedestrian walk signs. When the sign clicks over to walk, a timer starts letting you know how long you have to get across the street. Very useful! If you just get to an intersection in my town, you don't know if the light just changed or is about to go red. When the timer gets to zero, the traffic light does change immediately to yellow and then red, though, so you do have to hustle if the numbers are in the single digits.

The Metro rail system also had timers in all the stations telling when the next train was coming, which was uber-convenient, too. I found these things especially useful as our hosts had few clocks and I didn't wear a watch the entire week. I really just ambled about with no real concept of the time and that was nice.

And even though I slept late every morning I was there, I somehow adjusted to the time there over the course of the week, because I'm knackered by 9 o'clock and have been waking up every day at 5am now that I'm back. That one hour extra in the morning is really annoying - I'm not actually awake enough to get up and do anything about it, but I'm awake enough to have a hard time falling back to sleep.

Hatinest Day

I hate today even though we've only just met.

I have a love-hate relationship with daylight savings time (DST). I love the sun and think it's smart to save energy, but I hate this one day of every year when I lose an hour of sleep, usually without adequate warning or preparation. Spent last night with friends playing games and couldn't stop myself - we were just having too much fun. But on the way home when I realized it was as if it was already 2am, I knew I was going to be hurting today.

Note to self: Next year, spend the day before springing forward at home and go to bed EARLY.

The Hatin'est Day

My friend calls today "the hatin'est day." It's Daylight Savings Time's spring forward or the day we "lose" an hour. So even though all my clocks say it's 7:15, my body still feels like it's 6:15. Yep, my body hates it. Even though I changed my clocks in the evening before bed and went to bed correspondingly early, it's not enough. I'm still tired and want to go back to bed. Coffee seems a must even though I'm trying to give it up. Brain not working right...just want to come home (after work) and go straight to bed. Even the dog isn't interested in being awake right now.

Playing Catch Up

I told A not to come over today. He stays with me more often than not, so we both usually assume he's coming over, but today I took a day for quiet and catch up. It seems like I never have enough time... I was going to say enough time to get things done, but it's just generally enough time. Enough time to get things done, enough time spent on my thesis, enough time off, enough time with my dog, enough time to prepare a good meal...

I don't like this so I'm going to change my thinking about it:

I am grateful that every day,

in every way,

there is the perfect amount of time.

Tonight, I've been playing catch up and it's been nice. Here's some of what I've accomplished tonight:

• Took down massage table and reclaimed my living room
• Started the laundry - which is silly because I've had a full load of towels in the washing machine all weeks, but just never started it!
• Vacuumed the livingroom and bathroom - both of which needed it badly and now my house looks 10x cleaner
• Talked to my good friend Jeff
• Talked to my good friend E
• Prepared and enjoyed a delicious dinner
• Poured the bulk spices into new glass jars, labelled them and put them in the cupboard, clearing up 1 more foot of counter space
• Cleaned out the refridgerator - no, I'm never going to eat that funky old tofu
• Drank the remaining kombucha from yesterday
• Came up with a new supplement plan - instead of trying to force myself to take 30-40 pills everyday, when I know I won't do it, I made a plan to take 4-5 a day. Not only is this more realistic, but I feel like it's healthier, too!
• Realized that I don't want really want to just watch crappy movies every evening, but would prefer to read during evenings in.
• Made a list of upcoming fun events and adventures that I will see everyday
• Contacted prospective business partners
• Responsibly replied to my business partner
• Walked the dog (twice)
• Took the recycling out
• Made the dog a blog (I know that one is for fun and doesn't really count, but it is still something I did tonight that has some meaning for me!)

Whew, I can't believe I got all that done! And with the perfect amount of time to spare for reading another chapter before going to bed.

I ♥ Calendars

I have a wall calendar from last year still turned to November because the calendar is in an inconvenient place. I have a Palm pilot with software on my computer to manage my schedule. It's a pleasure to put all the little blocks in place and stretch them to cover the full length of any given event. Because A has a hard time understanding the vagaries of my work schedule, I also have a Google calendar to help him with planning. (He's come to assume that I work everyday, which in some ways is accurate and only likely to become more so as things progress!)

But I've purchased another calendar. A pocket engagement calendar. I love it. I have gotten up this early to shower and eat breakfast before work, but instead I ended up filling in this week and next in the tiny calendar. My intention was that it would be a goals based calendar. Write down when I've drunk soda or eaten eggs or flossed or done breath work (see 101 Goals), so that I know exactly when I've met my goals and/or so I am motivated to just finish it! I know I've come close many times and might even have completed these goals, but without a written record, it's hard to say.

But it was fun penning in my work schedule. And relevant - I can't exactly set aside an afternoon for sending birthday cards if I'm working all day and have a meeting in the evening, can I? So, my goals calendar is likely to be an event record as much as it is likely to contain enigmatic symbols indicating my goal progress and other items I want to track. I'm just such a dork that I don't mind writing my schedule in three separate places.

Time Out

I'm a bit anti-social and it feels good. After I worked yesterday (which was particularly exhausting since I started working at 7am!), I came home and didn't do anything. I didn't call anyone, I didn't answer the phone. I didn't send any text messages with E, despite her voicemail and later text asking "is everything ok?" I did very briefly chat with A just to set up plans not to see one another.

I got into my pajamas and watched a silly movie. Then I watched Coupling on Netflix. Then I blogged a bit, went back into the kitchen to make vegan Cashew Cheez and Aloha Pate, which require no cooking, but a fair bit of food processing and went back to bed, where I was asleep by 10. Needless to say, I was up before the alarm today and feel great this morning.

I don't want this to become set in stone, but I think I might take a Time Out at least once per week. I feel fantastic. Not lonely, but yet rejuvenated and a bit of longing to see friends. Does that make me an introvert, despite my social nature?

It's Just a Step to the Left, Let's Do the TIME WARP Again

Quirky. I wish I was, but I'm really not. It doesn't mean I don't have quirks - everybody does - it just means that the majority of my personality and character traits are not necessarily comprised of quirks.

Here's one for the literalists out there, though. In general, I use language very loosely, especially for one who likes definitions so much. One way in which I use language loosely is in regards to time. I like to say "the other day" as a description of when something happened. It wasn't necessarily the other day this weekend or even a day this week or month or year. "The other day" in my lexicon really refers to any day other than today. It's not so much that I am being deliberately secretive about when, exactly, a thing occurred, but more that I can't exactly remember and any event that I remember usually seems to have happened fairly recently.

There it is, one of the quirks that defines B...I wonder if that's part of the reason why I also pre-and post-date my blog entries?

Timelines

I do this really weird thing with my blog. I pre- and post-date items all the time. Sometimes I've started writing something and then finished it up much later and sometimes I just willfully change the date. I like to bury some of the more personal items so that they don't appear at the top of the front page. It's not that I mind people reading them, otherwise this would not be a public blog, but I just don't want those items to draw that much focus right away.

It's a somewhat strange habit and today I wondered if I would ever look back at this blog and try to reconstruct my life from it. And if I would believe that I got a haircut before I took boards, because that, in fact, happened a week later.

I also like changing the date because I can enter things in for my own searchable history, such as quotes, words of the day and poetry that I'm not really trying to share. Maybe I'll just randomly start entering things from the year 2000 - if there is anything under that year, it was definately entered late because as of this writing, there is nothing in 2000 and I only started writing in Blogspot in 2007. Yes, even those posts in 2006 were entered later, although they were, in fact, written or posted on the days indicated, just on another blog site.

Was thinking of my first journals today. I remember reading them again later and being disgusted with 13-year-old-me's writings and deciding to clean the slate by getting rid of them. I sometimes regret that decision, but mostly because of the strong visual image (and visceral responce) I have to the first page of any journal I ever wrote. It was a VISITOR sticker put onto a sheet of lined paper. It was from the time I visited my father at an Indiana state treatment center for alcoholics. I didn't even know what it meant, but I remember that my dad was different there than other times I'd seen him - maybe less funny, but more stable. That was how I first started journaling.

Note: after posting this, I changed the date on it and I realize that part of my neurosis about this date-changing business is that I like each post to appear on a different day. Often writing one post leads me to another topic or tangent that becomes its own post, and I like them to appear in order, but not as though they were written at the same time. I wonder why that matters to me?

14 Days Until Boards - New Strategy

National board exams are 14 days away. I have two weeks to review the information I've spent the last seven years studying and practicing. After meeting with my doctor yesterday, I have a new outlook. She was sympathetic and inspiring - she reminds me that boards are a hoop we all jump through. She told me she knew friends who didn't study or studied very little and that some passed and some failed, but those who failed turned the experience into something positive and used it to their advantage. She was also very supportive of my decision not to pursue the residency opportunity that I've been offered.

So, the new plan: FOCUS for 5 hours every day. I'm even including Saturday and Sunday in that, since I have so few days. That means a few sacrifices in the next two weeks, but then I can enter my examinations with a little more confidence and can give up the guilt afterwards while I await my results. Not sure what I'll do after that when I have to finish my acupuncture boards and masters thesis, but I might just give myself the rest of August to be study free and schedule my next boards at the end of September. I'm thinking out loud a little here, but that sounds like a great plan. Then I can spend my days kayaking around Portland!

Hurry Up and Wait

I worry about being rushed. I hate when it happens and I worry in advance that it will happen. It's almost comical how E rushes me - I'll be waiting for her to finish getting ready - I'll be sitting at my desk just putzing around waiting when she's all the sudden ready and let's go! The quick transition startles me and I feel rushed. That happened on the way to work today and it happens a lot because I'm always ready before her.

A rushes me, but it's not as funny, because he gets really upset about being on IST (Indian Standard Time - read: always late). I've always admired and romanticized the latino ethic of taking ones time, arriving later and slowing things down generally. Apparently that ideal is not shared worldwide. Every party I throw, I'm surprised when people arrive at the time I said the party would start. I usually mean that just as a guideline of when to arrive after. I actually do usually mean the end time that I give, but people never pay as much attention to that part.

Anyways, I hate being rushed and I'm feeling a little rushed abut school these days. Have to hurry up and get my thesis done, hurry up and do a lineage ceremony, hurry up and meet all of my requirements. Hurry up and graduate, hurry up and take boards, hurry up and wait for licensure. I decided to just take my time - I have been approved to walk at graduation even if I don't finish all my requirements including my thesis - so I'm slowing things down...and becoming more effective. I finished my case paper (the last of 6 required for my doctorate) this morning and typed up my last presentation yesterday. Things are definately flowing a little better now that I'm in my stream instead of trying to swim up someone else's schedule.

On Schedule

MySpace has a calendar function and I can find out many of my friends' activities through a shared calendar online. I have another calendar through my workout group and maintain my own calendar using my Palm program. E got me a nice TAO wall calendar that I hung in my bedroom and my mom bought me a page-a-day "Bad Dog" calendar that sits on my desk. E and I have had shared calendars in the past so we know each other's schedules (not needed at this time since we're together all day everyday), and A and I have discussed a shared online calendar so that we don't double book ourselves.

I find myself looking on other calendars to determine my activities and even concern myself with the calendars and obligations of others - i.e., he's signed up for that, but I know he's not going; she's going to that, but hasn't RSVPd yet and oh, they signed me up for that, I guess I have to go. It's ridiculous and I'm over it.

I'm overscheduled. Not only do I simply have too much to do, too many plans, too many obligations, but I'm also overburdened by the very act of calendering. I don't wear a watch in part because I prefer the freedom of not being 'bound' by time, but I do find myself overlinked to my cell phone which is my primary source of the current time. I also rely heavily on my PDA to know where I'm supposed to be and what tasks still remain to be done. I realized today that this ongoing to-do list may prevent me from thinking outside the box. I've had a short paper to write for the past many months and I haven't finished it because it's a bit complicated. Well, the subject I chose is complicated, but the paper doesn't have to be - this morning I realized I could just pick a different topic.

I think it's important to be organized and effective at time management, but I'm looking forward to having a more spontaneous and free schedule this summer. Despite the fact that my days will be relatively structured around gym, board exam studying and working, I think I'll have more freedom then than now when I am running around doing something different every day.

By Appointment Only: Office Hours Cancelled!

Things are looking up. It took so little, but one tiny thing going my way makes the whole world a little brighter. I spoke to the SGA VP and cancelled my office hours for the remainder of the term - students will have 30 fewer minutes per week in which to not visit the office to send faxes.

But the result for me is much greater - I no longer have to stress and coordinate with my housemate since she usually waits up to an hour to carpool home after class. I get that extra time at home to play with the dogs, make a healthy lunch, relax and work on my studies. I can shed that extra ounce of resentment that builds up for joining SGA in the first place, because I did, in fact, think it would all be fun and games and didn't have any idea what a drain it would be on my time.

So today, I came home right away after skipping my office hours yet again. I made a delicious lunch with many vegetables. I took the dogs out then pampered them both with some extra affection. And now I'm laying in the bed blogging and getting ready for a nap. Yes, I think cancelling office hours was a very good decision.

Putting in Time is a Waste of Time

I hate "putting in time" with people. It happened this weekend, it may happen again. Ultimately I'm sick of doing things with people because I feel like I owe them something. This is the reason that I have such an issue with gift-giving: I hate obligation. I hated Christmas for years because of the obligatory nature of giving gifts at that time. Maybe that has to do with my upbringing where I was always expected to give my father and step-mother not only a gift, but a good gift, before I was even old enough to hold a job (noting that I did, in fact, start my employment history at the tender age of 12!).

At any rate, my concern these days is "putting in time" because even more than money, which is decidedly lacking, my time has become extraordinarily precious. My plans this weekend were a quiet Friday night in with my partner - I was looking forward to relaxing, catching up on one another's weeks and enjoying an early bedtime, but ended up going out with friends that he made plans with and felt obligated to see even when the plans became fuzzy and fizzled. Maybe if we'd had fun, I would have felt it was worth it, but I truly don't believe any of the four of us actually had a good time or thought it was worth it. I think A just held to the plan because he felt he had made a commitment and wanted to hold to it - I think we have to find a balance between his serious commitment and my lasaiz-fair attitude about these things.

In the next seven weeks, while I wrap up school and try to balance my personal life, it's probably a great time to practice very conscious choice around how I spend my time. A good time to establish this good habit now before I have more time, because even when I have more time, I still don't want to waste a minute putting in time.

House Arrest

I'm looking over my schedule and realized that I have 2 weeks to study for my exit exam and finish writing my thesis. Then I have 2 weeks until my thesis defense. Then I have two weeks to study for my last two Chinese Medicine board exams. Then I have two weeks until graduation. Then I have 4 weeks to study for 3 days worth of ND board exams. Wow. The next 8-12 weeks are going to be a doozy. I've got to keep my priorities in order.

So the plan is, effectively, house arrest. I'm not allowed to sign up for anymore social activities, especially those that are just huge parties where I'm not really going to feel connected to anyone. I can go bathing suit shopping, I can meet the hypnotherapist for coffee, I can celebrate my anniversary tonight, I can do those events that I've already signed up for and I can make time to spend with my partner's parents when they come later this month. That's actually a lot of things I can do, and only one significant can't do, but I think it will make all the difference.

My housemate and I also laid out a study schedule wherein she and I have 2 study dates a week with one another, no exceptions, for the next 6 weeks. Since I'm currently operating on zero study hours per week, the addition of these 6 hours should really help. I'm also going to endeavor to work out in the mornings since I hear this increases mental acuity throughout the day. If I throw in a little qigong everyday, maybe I'll manifest the "unstoppable force" that my friend suggested I would be.

When I Get Things Done

My housemate and I had a brief row this morning due to my "energetic" nature this morning. I went to bed last night about 10pm and fell straight to sleep. When my alarm started going off at 6, I was ready to get up. I started my day by mopping the entry where Plum and Chibo had a urine fight, making dog food, loading the dishwasher and cleaning my room. It was amazing feeling like I'd already gotten so many things done before I even left for work and reminds me that I'm really a morning person.

Now the question is how to use that information. Do I get up and go the gym? Do I just do my house chores? Do I sit down at the computer and work on my case paper or thesis? I think it will be the latter because this is definitely the only thing I can NOT do past about 10pm. It is getting harder than ever to stay up much past then let alone get anything useful done.

I also learned in the last several weeks that I can't do homework during class (unless it's for that class) - something about looking in books strikes me as far worse in terms of disrespect than doing something on my computer (which we all use in class, because our notes are all electronic) when the instructor doesn't know what I'm doing. This also applies in clinic when I don't have patients. I try reading or working on my thesis and it just doesn't work. So, at clinic and in class, I track my food (I record everything I eat), write my blogs, catch up on email and now I also read my acupuncture board review materials. It's helpful that they are in one easy-to-carry spiral bound book and it's actually not a bad reference when I need to look up some point.

Not the most interesting of blogs today, but practical. Like me.

By Appointment Only: The Futility of Office Hours

Being a minor government official (okay, it's student government, but you could probably guess that), I am required to hold office hours once weekly. I come to our little basement office every week for my 1/2 hour (I know, that's ridiculously short!) and balance my checkbook, write my blog, catch up on emails, make my lists and generally do things to help organize my life. I occasionally answer the locked door to allow students to come in and send a fax - I think I can count the number of times I've done this on two fingers.

I understand the reasoning behind SGA members holding office hours and I actually appreciate that I have a scheduled time set aside to write this blog and balance my checkbook as I consider these essential tasks that I might not otherwise have time for, but I can't help but consider this a bit of an exercise in futility.

Because I read the SGA minutes on my email whenever they arrive, I don't have to spend my 30 minutes doing that and no other members with whom I share business are available to visit with me during my hours, so I can't work on our committee projects. Students rarely come into the office on any business other than the very rare faxing which doesn't actually require my presence for anything more than unlocking the door and while the fax machine may require protecting, it seems like keeping it stationed in the always manned library may actually serve students better.

Moreover, with my goals of being an educator in future, I question the use of office hours amongst faculty members. I rarely visit my professors or other faculty members during their office hours, preferring to pester them during the 10 minute breaks we have between hours of class or hounding them at the end of class as they attempt to flee the scene. I wonder if other students visit these professors during their office hours or if they spend their hours catching up on email and blogging about that annoying student who chased them down the hall at the end of the last class?

Revolutionary Concepts in Not Taking People for Granted

After talking with some friends about blogging and the Internet, I'm shy to post very personal thoughts and feelings...knowing that nothing is as anonymous as I like to pretend. On the other hand, I'm not posting anything that I would be ashamed to admit to. Just a preface, I guess, to indicate that this one is challenging.

A QiGong Master told his student that anyone wasting another person's time is killing him - because he is taking time away from another person's life. When I think about using up the finite time available in my own or another person's life, it changes the concept significantly. I want every moment to be lived to it's fullest, which doesn't mean extreme sporting or peak experiences, but rather with that concept of authenticity, presence and awareness. Even negative experiences or the tension of not-knowing can fill the moment. Playing Table Topics the other day, I couldn't recall a single peak experience that I would want to re-live, but I easily remembered the hardest thing I'd ever done because I was so present in that moment. This is the root of Daoism and probably best explains why I have the kanji for Dao tattooed prominently on my arm.

So today, talking about relationships and discontent, my friend came up with this idea: A boyfriend/girlfriend needs to make up for the other men/women their partner is choosing not to be with. I hesitate to even write it that way, because "make up for" sounds not quite right, but in the interest of getting this down, I'm going to let it stand as written.

My mind is reeling from the possibilities and I recall a Buddhist wedding I attended. The Buddhist's did not vow "to have and to hold until death do us part," but did exchange vows including a vow from the husband to keep the woman's makeup and jewelry boxes stocked. The explanation was that the husband would always value the woman and want to adorn her and that the woman would always want to adorn herself for her loving husband. It was really beautiful and touching and I've always remembered that. The above concept, in both forms, really means to me just that we should value our lover/partner and recognize and value that they choose us. And kick the asshole to the curb if he's killing you by wasting your precious time.

Procrastination as a Lifestyle Choice

Everyday I check items off my task list, so I get to feel like I'm really getting a lot done. But my thesis remains untouched, my case papers unwritten, I need to renew my library books for the 10th time and my cortisol levels have bottomed out with the combination of my high stress level and immense coffee intake. It's all I can do to attend my classes during this last week of term and hold myself back from cleaning out my garage and holding a yard sale this weekend.

I'm just looking away from my major priorities in favor of the small tasks that are so much easier to accomplish. Procrastination as a lifestyle choice does not work - I know this, but it's a hard habit to break. How do you stop procrastinating when the things used as distractors are also important tasks for a healthy lifestyle? Even going to the gym has become a way to ignore my homework. Cleaning my home, especially from the top-down as my office is on the bottom floor, also needs to be done so I don't go crazy, but may not be the most effective use of my time.

So do I just get fat and live in filth for the next 4 weeks until my draft is due? Maybe. Black and white thinking will get me nowhere, but at least I can use that as an excuse when we don't have a clean glass to drink out of. I better sign off and wash my car before the neighbors in the parking garage complain.

8 Days a Week: The Value of Time

I'm thinking a lot about time these days - perhaps I should not spend so much time on time as time is what seems to be lacking. My major stress is feeling like I don't have enough time - enough time to study, prepare for my patients, call them back, clean my house, play with my puppy, spend with my boyfriend, spend with my housemate, spend with other friends, pay my bills, etc., etc., etc... I do seem to make time to email my mom, write this blog, sing plenty karaoke on my home machine and go to basketball with my boyfriend. It's all a question of priorities, but mine seem to be skewed - I actually find myself wishing that I could just stay at my retail job, work regular hours and not have to think about my job when I'm not there. However, finding out that I will actually not be allowed to walk in my graduation ceremony if I don't meet certain serious upcoming deadlines has put my priorities into stark perspective.

I'm heading out of town this weekend and will probably not even take a book with me, since I'm going with my boyfriend and all that together time won't easily give opportunity for studying. However, I expect and plan to come back refreshed and ready to just "get 'er done." It's going to be challenging, but really what choice do I have? [Note: I CHOSE MY CHOICE!]

Another closely related point is the relative value that I place on other people's time. I actually do recognize that my commitments and obligations are not any more important than anyone else's, especially to anyone else, but this is something I struggle with. My colleagues and I are under such stress and have such constant deadlines that it seems that someone else's decisions, obligations and appointments often don't seem to have as much value in my mind. And yet paradoxically, I let other people devalue my time. Isn't that ironic?