What I Don't Like About Myself

I fight with my boyfriend a lot. Okay, maybe not a lot, and maybe it's not really fighting when I just yell and screech at him, but I do it more often than I like. Sometimes it makes me wonder...well, it often makes me wonder...are we really compatible if I'm always yelling? Am I just too set in my ways to welcome another person into my life? Am I protecting myself from getting too close? Am I just a bitch? Is he just a ___ ? Why does my voice do that when I'm angry? Why do I always cry when I'm really angry? Am I really a mean person?

Last night, I got mad. A met me at my house after work and was ready to take me out for dinner, a movie and some early Halloween shopping. It does make sense to be Halloween shopping right now because we're leaving for the next two weeks. However, even though it makes sense, I don't feel any urgency about it whatsoever. Until he starts talking about it and then I feel like I'm going to have a crappy costume, I'm not going to fit in, but I'm not going to stand out, I'm probably not going to have any fun at all and so on. So there was already the start of some tension - mostly due to my own weird, unhealthy and unconsciously driven thoughts.

Then I started having this weird anxiety. I called E since we were in the neighborhood and she decided to come shopping with us. I don't know why this added to my tailspin, but then A said something to me along the lines of: I just didn't want to spend another night at your house watching movies, I wanted to get you out, see some people, have some fun. I was mortified. Did that guy at the next rack (who I don't know and don't even care about) hear that? Did the cute girl with the funky bracelets he admired hear? Does he think she's more fun? Does he want to date her now? I was so pissed at him, after he basically said he just wanted to show me a good time, that I couldn't speak, we had to leave the store and I fought back tears for the next 30 minutes.

What I don't like about myself is how my internal dialogue is this panic driven, full throttle anxiety bomb. That A and E both have a fair bit of emotion to them sometimes doesn't help and let's not even start on my mother. But really, it's my dialogue. Any influence they have is based only on my permitting them to do so. How do we change our internal dialogue? Fake it until we make it? I like that method for changing other things, but I'm not sure it would work with myself. Would it go a little something like this:

Self: Wow, A admired her bracelets.
Self: She's a bitch.
Self: No, she's probably not a bitch. They're cute bracelets.
Self: You're a bitch.

Guess I'll have to work on some healthy self talk. In the meantime, I'm keeping my mouth shut a little more in the moment and that helps. Instead of screeching, A and I end up talking about my feelings which is a lot more effective and also helps me realize which ones are real and which ones are just me spinning my own wheels.

All Dressed Up and No Where To Go

I look great. My hair is freshly cut and colored, my face made up dramatically. Sexy clothes, all in black. No, I'm not going to the nightclub, but planned on going to my catering job. In fact, went to my catering job. And was sent home because the expected party of 300 tanked with less than 20 people arriving in the first hour. Since I rode in with E and A was at a movie, I had to take public transit home and now I find myself looking good and feeling bad.

These kinds of things throw me into a funk and I get pissy at the world. And then I decide that I'm not going to be pissy and instead I'm going to productive. On the train, I planned all the things I would do - get into some comfy clothes, walk the dog then work on my side project until I'm tired then either watch a movie or read before having an early sleep. Then I got home, sat in front of the computer and can't seem to get myself going. I could have toted drinks and spoken to the class of 1997 all night, but now that I'm home, I can't get off my increasingly fat ass even to take off this incredibly uncomfortable but very sexy bra.

I hope anyone reading this is laughing, because I am - I'm being more than a little melodramatic. Hyperbole just comes easily to me, especially in this state of mind. I am pretty pissy and very annoyed at the place of business though. For about 2 minutes, I fantasized about posting a Craigslist rant about the bar I was working at and their bad business practices, such as how they encourage the servers to "push alcohol," but then I realized that if found, they would easily figure out that the server who got sent home was probably the one who wrote it. If they didn't sue me for slander, they would at least fire me. And even though I don't want to work there anymore due to the shoddy management, poor execution and unenjoyable coworkers, I don't want that to be their decision.

Maybe I better take a bunch of deep breaths and listen to the chanting CDs before E gets off (yes, she's working there, too and yes, it's that bar) and A calls after his movie since I am really good at channeling my frustration and irritation onto other people when it's really nothing more than a bad situation that I'm struggling to deal with. I think run-on sentences, when said aloud, just fuel one's annoyance and bitchy attitude too. Maybe it's the lack of oxygen from speaking continually. I find myself holding my breath even when typing long sentences. Maybe that's how non-violent communication works. Short sentences such as such as 'I see,' 'I feel,' 'I need' and 'I would like' allow much more breathing. Maybe it'll help to take the bra off too.