Christmas in May

I finally opened my second Christmas present this week. For Christmas this year, I received two great gifts*. E got me a beautiful hot pink pashmina that I've worn many, many days in the past 6 months and look forward to wearing for years to come. And my mom got me a Food Saver. She's becoming quite the savvy Internet shopper, my mom is.

Well, the box the food saver came in was huge, so it sat under the console table in my dining room for 6 months. I finally opened it and am blown away - it's so cool. It came with two canisters that it vacuum seals and a extra lid that can be used on any jar! I think I like those better than the sealing bags, but as the produce starts coming in, I think I'm going to enjoy the bags too. A is really excited, because there are accessories we can get to speed marinading and to vacuum wine bottles.

After Christmas, I was really sad that I had only gotten those two gifts and especially since I had thought I was getting at least one other gift from another person**. I tried not to be sad - I know I'm an adult - but I was sad and cried a lot that I hadn't gotten that third gift. The UNI has offered me a fresh perspective on gratitude*** this week with the opening of my second gift and that's just this: be grateful. I am grateful that I got ANY gifts for Christmas, I am grateful that the gifts I got are really thoughtful and came from the heart. I am grateful that the gifts I got are things that I LOVE. And I am grateful, most of all, to have these two thoughtful-gift-giving women in my life, who's greatest gifts aren't material at all. Thanks, E. Thanks, mom. Love you both.

*I just remembered that I also got a few gifts at Christmas parties, including a wine journal (not yet used as I don't really drink much), some coasters and candles (also not used because A and I don't have coffee tables), and a rocket blender which I have used and LOVE. So, even more to be grateful for!

**A and I agreed not to exchange gifts since we had taken a cruise vacation and bought a bunch of stuff for the house on Black Friday, but I guess I still thought he'd get me at least a little something. Guess that'll teach me to agree to a "no gifts" holiday!

***This fresh perspective has been brewing for some time. During my DC trip, I talked to one couple who doesn't give each gifts at all, not for Christmas or birthdays or ever. They just buy whatever they want/need and don't worry about gift-giving for each other. This is sacrilegious to me, who's love language is all about gifts, but it seems to work for them. And then this week, when A's mom was here for her birthday, I was surprised that her only gift and card were the things I purchased for her on my way home from work that day. Granted, A had just taken us all on vacation, but I was still surprised that my little gift was all she received.

Thanks Giving

I want corny holiday celebrations.

I admit it. Guilty. I raise my hand. Me. Yup. I want corny holiday celebrations. I want my holidays like I've seen them on the movies (kinda). I want to celebrate holidays with all the little kitch that comes with them. I want to dress up on Halloween, I want to hand out treats and tell all the little ghost and ghouls how scary they are. I want to put up lights and listen to Christmas music. I want to have pujas whenever there is any excuse to have one in our home. And I want to be grateful on Thanksgiving.

A and I headed over to a friend's house for Thanksgiving dinner and something just didn't feel right to me. I couldn't figure it out, but attributed it to our arrival about 30 minutes later than the rest of the group, though still well before the scheduled dinner hour. Since the food was ready, people were already seated and serving themselves when we arrived. Maybe we'd missed something. After dinner, we talked and laughed in smaller groups and rubbed our stuffed bellies until it was time to leave for our movie. After the movie, home to bed.

I kept thinking something didn't seem right...maybe I'd forgotten something? Yes, I had. I'd forgotten the point of the day: to be grateful. After my conversation with my mom, no one else talked about what they were grateful for or asked what anyone else was grateful for - at least not in my hearing. In retrospect, among the irreverant group of our dining companions, a listing of the simple things I am grateful for might seem out of place, but I think the large meal eaten without grace, a moment of silence or a sharing of thanks was more uncomfortable.

A and I talked about how we really wanted to have spent the holiday, casually among a small group of close friends or family, with a reasonable meal and games afterwards. I think among that group, for whom I am grateful, I wouldn't feel the need to say my thanks as feeding and entertaining them would be a more physical expression of my gratitude. On the other hand, I also think I would feel safer and happier to share my gratitude with such loved ones. Either way, I think I would like to make a point of verbalizing everything I'm grateful for at least once a year.

The Ask-Back

I talked to my mom for an hour today. I asked her what she was grateful for. She told me many things. And then she asked me what I was grateful for. In addition to the things I could list, such as my family, passing my board exam, finishing my masters degree, living with the love of my life and having my own business, I realized that I was grateful to be asked.

It's a little piece of etiquette advise that I would like to share with the world...maybe etiquette is not the right word...maybe it's more of a form of social contracting. When someone asks you a question, it seems right to ask back. It's actually funny because sometimes I ask "how are you?" more than once because it's such a habit to reflect that question. That one is a pretty standard ask-back, but I think asking-back should be the rule in general, because it provides an opportunity for intimacy and compassionate sharing.

I have been frustrated by not being asked back a question I asked several times - I wanted to tell someone my own answer to the question I asked them. That wasn't why I asked, I was genuinely interested in their answer and I listened to their answer, but it felt like it was only half a conversation somehow when I didn't get to tell my part, too.

So try asking back. Start with me. I'll love it. If I ask you a question that can be reflected back, shoot it back to me. See what happens. You just might like it.

I ♥ Old Men

In trying to determine the highlight of my day, it's hard to choose between the two older gentlemen who I spoke with at work today. The first was an older gentleman that I helped find some green powder. He had read about spinach powder as a weight loss aid and wanted to try it. When I showed him the New Chapter Berry Greens, he was game to try it. We had a nice talk about fruits and vegetables. In addition to being spry, interesting and kind, he was old - I was delighted to learn that he was 75. I look forward to enjoying such health in my elder years.

The second older gentleman I spoke with ribbed me about my shortened name tag which has just a "B" on it. He asked if that's all I get, and I replied with my usual, "They weren't sure I was going to last, so they made sure they could reuse my name tag." And he almost brought tears to my eyes by saying, "Well, you're an A in my book."

It's a great day when you can't choose the best moment because there are too many.

Also grateful today for:

• A making dinner - yummy BBQ tofu and rice
• Fruit salad - free pineapple, cantaloupe and apples
• Feeling energized for the first time in a while!
• Connecting with Ree and my other Soul Sister

I'm Thankful For...

1. My family - though we're not as close as some, I know they love me and that means a lot.

2. My friends - from casual acquaintances to deep friendships, I am so grateful for those people who support me, make me laugh and share a cuppa. God, make me worthy of my friends.

3. My partner - this year we're spending the holidays together and he said, "We're each other's family now" since we can't be with our parents this year. It was so lovely. I so enjoy watching the evolution of our relationship.

4. My health - I'm so glad for my continued wellness. With each night of sleep, I feel strength returning. It's amazing to see just how much I need because it clearly reflects how depleted I've become in the last seven years.

5. My dog - Chibo is so patient with my efforts at parenting and always ready to play, cuddle or give me a little kiss to pick me up.

6. My job - I'm so lucky to work for a company with real values. My company takes good care of me for the amount of work I do. I heard an immigrant employee saying how spoiled we Americans are in general and especially at our store and I believe it. I'm so grateful to have good health care coverage, a retirement plan, free products, discounts, education and a job that I enjoy.

7. My practice plans - Something is in the works for starting a clinic next year and I'm very excited about it. I'm thankful for having some direction.

8. My apartment - What a gift to have my friend Jon offer me a one-bedroom apartment for less money than I was willing to spend with no paperwork or security deposit! It's perfectly cozy and such a nice place to spend this winter.

9. My turkey - It's in the oven and I can't wait to have a turkey sandwich tomorrow!

10. In the spirit of manifestation, I'm also thankful for finishing my thesis by year's end. Yes!

My Broken Heart

I read the following piece at my lineage ceremony this weekend. It is an excerpt from Renescence by Edna St. Vincent Millay. I came to my school with an injured heart and joined my program after my heart was broken, split wide in two. It seems that if you have love in your life, the people who love you can hold the sky at bay for a short time if your heart is unable to act on its own accord. Also, that a broken heart is the natural result of trying to thwart the will of the universe - your heart naturally divides when you force yourself along a contrary path - one part stays with you and the other travels along your destined path. I am grateful to my instructors for nurturing my heart and soul such that I am able to make right decisions along my path without the experience of a broken heart.

The world stands out on either side
No wider than the heart is wide;
Above the world is stretched the sky, -
No higher than the soul is high.
The heart can push the sea and land
Farther apart on either hand;
The soul can split the sky in two,
And let the face of God shine through.
But East and West will pinch the heart
That can not keep them pushed apart;
And he whose soul is flat - the sky
Will cave in on him by and by.

Koyaaniqatsi

Koyaaniqatsi is a film. The title is a Native American word meaning crazy life or life out of balance. I learned about this movie/concept/phenomenon when I went on a date with a man who adopted this word as his chosen name. I sometimes miss dating, but when I remember the dates I went on with extremists, crazies, meanies or people with whom I simply had nothing in common, I am grateful for my warm, stable, loving and fun relationship.

I am grateful that I have enough food on the table...I am even grateful that there is too much food on the table so that when the urge to binge in an emotional fit comes on, there is food even for that. I am grateful that I have the liberty of going to school and learning so that I can create an amazing, useful and lucrative career for myself. I am grateful that it will be finished in 10 weeks so that I can sleep in once in a white and hopefully shed the heavy cloak of anxiety that I wear every day wondering "what could I have forgotten to do that will jeopardize graduating?"

I am grateful that while I'm currently participating in Koyaaniqatsi that I know there is another choice.

I am Grateful for...

1. Fresh flowers
2. New shoes
3. Sleeping in

Thank YOU!

I was trying to work out what my thoughts were on a particular line my friend said this weekend and I couldn't quite get the posting right. I would like to say I realized the meta-message is that I am so grateful for the people in my life. I am at a place in my life where I am not spending time with people out of default (most of the time). Generally, I choose to spend time with people I enjoy. If you're reading this and know me, I CHOOSE YOU. Thank you for being the person you are and an important part of my life.

I also choose COMMUNICATION. I realized last night that my level of frustration this past week has been high because I have premeditated resentment (i.e., expectations) as well as swallowed responses thereto. I worked out for myself what the issues are the require being communicated and look forward to honestly, but compassionately (for me and the other person involved in this scenario) communicating my needs and desires. Instead of "not getting what I want, but getting what I need," I realize I'll never get what I need if I don't ask for it!

Finally, met goal #1 and have been spreading the word about 101 goals. I organized the list around themes and posted it in my office. One of my friends laughingly said I'll probably do a lot of goals in the first and last months - she may be right, but at least they'll have been made and met!