E and I walked to school today - it's at least 7 miles and took about 2 hours. In that time, we passed near at least two of my ex-boyfriends' houses. Since we also talked about her recent break up, I got break ups on the brain. I read through Wiki-How on the breaking up section and didn't really get a lot of insight. I'm guessing, since anyone can write an entry, that the break up ones are written by 15 year olds. If they are written by anyone older than 18, I would suspect they have no life and be incredibly surprised.
I hold two conflicting views. On the one hand, I think we've got to learn to break up better, because passing these homes filled me with anxiety about running into these ex's and having a less-than-friendly interaction and on the other hand, I think it's really weird when people are friends with their ex's. One of my good pal's is friends with her x-husband and it seems really normal and healthy, but when my partner had dinner with his x-girlfriend, I thought it was entirely inappropriate and not only because of my jealousy (which I admit was a huge factor), but also because they really can't claim much of a friendship.
Anyways, more than my heart, my legs and gluts are hurting after that walk, so it's time for a stretch.
Showing posts with label breaking up. Show all posts
Showing posts with label breaking up. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
My Momma Taught Me Better Than That!
I love Hip Hop music. Pertinent to this post only because it inspired the title. The complete relevant lyric is "I'm not gonna slam you on the Internet - My Momma taught me better than that!" The song describes a breakup and all the things the woman is NOT going to do afterwards. No, I'm not experiencing a bad break up...well, at least not in my relationship. I am experiencing it vicariously through MySpace, though and it's very painful and confusing.
Through the MySpace grapevine, I've begun reading a woman's post about her recent relationship. She describes in some detail how abusive her relationship was and provided her partner's first name. Something about this occurred to me when I read her first blog, but I trusted that she probably changed his name...no such luck...her second and third posts only confirmed what I suspected. Her former partner is someone I know and am friends with...and not just MySpace friends!
Many people have tuned in to her story and are commenting about how brave she is and how glad they are that she is sharing, but I have several concerns about her presentation:
1. She's basically trashing her x on the Internet
2. She's using this as a tool to process her former relationship and the issues she's raising may in fact be better served by working with a professional counselor
3. She's using her x's name and has identified enough aspects of his person for me to have figured out who he is, so it's highly likely that other people will have figured out that she's describing him
4. She's described very private issues related to his children - if people can identify that she's talking about him, they may also be able to identify his children and this information could be extremely damaging to them
5. She's presenting a one-sided view on a lifestyle choice that did not work in their situation and may have become abusive, but that works for other people and is highly susceptible to misunderstanding
In describing this, I find myself wanting to pre-defend that I'm not blaming the victim and wondering how much privacy an abuser deserves. Sexual offenders are required to register in many states, and it would be helpful to know from former partners if a boyfriend has been abusive in the past...but especially as this relationship was related to a BDSM lifestyle choice, it seems like discretion should be the rule.
I have considered raising my concerns with her or with him, but will instead pursue a course of watchful waiting. It breaks my heart to read this adult woman slandering/exposing someone (because in some respects it doesn't matter if it's true or not!) using the anonymity and open endedness of the Internet, because it can only be worse among adolescents and they are so much more likely to be damaged by this type of exposure.
Through the MySpace grapevine, I've begun reading a woman's post about her recent relationship. She describes in some detail how abusive her relationship was and provided her partner's first name. Something about this occurred to me when I read her first blog, but I trusted that she probably changed his name...no such luck...her second and third posts only confirmed what I suspected. Her former partner is someone I know and am friends with...and not just MySpace friends!
Many people have tuned in to her story and are commenting about how brave she is and how glad they are that she is sharing, but I have several concerns about her presentation:
1. She's basically trashing her x on the Internet
2. She's using this as a tool to process her former relationship and the issues she's raising may in fact be better served by working with a professional counselor
3. She's using her x's name and has identified enough aspects of his person for me to have figured out who he is, so it's highly likely that other people will have figured out that she's describing him
4. She's described very private issues related to his children - if people can identify that she's talking about him, they may also be able to identify his children and this information could be extremely damaging to them
5. She's presenting a one-sided view on a lifestyle choice that did not work in their situation and may have become abusive, but that works for other people and is highly susceptible to misunderstanding
In describing this, I find myself wanting to pre-defend that I'm not blaming the victim and wondering how much privacy an abuser deserves. Sexual offenders are required to register in many states, and it would be helpful to know from former partners if a boyfriend has been abusive in the past...but especially as this relationship was related to a BDSM lifestyle choice, it seems like discretion should be the rule.
I have considered raising my concerns with her or with him, but will instead pursue a course of watchful waiting. It breaks my heart to read this adult woman slandering/exposing someone (because in some respects it doesn't matter if it's true or not!) using the anonymity and open endedness of the Internet, because it can only be worse among adolescents and they are so much more likely to be damaged by this type of exposure.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Timing is Everything
Since the week of clearing my relationship clutter by breaking up with every fellow I’d ever spoken to and being unceremoniously left at my make-believe alter by the heretofor object of my affection, I’ve been on a romantic rollercoaster with my hetero lifemate and our two new fellows. No, we didn’t double date to a theme park! Though I advised against it, I watched her make some crucial mistakes in jumping into love head first and have seen her come up with a nosebleed. I may still be diving into my new relationship, but I’m trying a different form – not quite feet first but cannonball style.
Anyone who has ever told a joke can attest to the rule that “Timing is Everything." With jokes and with relationships, timing is of the essence. Last week after the string of break ups (See: Breaking Up is Hard to Do and Friend or Boyfriend?), I thought I would never fall in love again – my theme song was that Elvis Costello and Burt Bacharach tune. This was made all the more painful by my hetero lifemate telling me how she’d found her match and how apparently great it was going.
If there really is a finite amount of pain and pleasure in the universe, we were definitely trading off, because the same night that things turned around for me was the night when her ivory tower of love came crashing down around her. She got stood up on the same night that I realized that I might have found someone pretty special and greater than that, that I can and will fall in love again and again and again… I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, timing is everything. Either that or I’m just able to convince myself to obey the words of my new theme song: Always Look at the Bright Side of Life.
Anyone who has ever told a joke can attest to the rule that “Timing is Everything." With jokes and with relationships, timing is of the essence. Last week after the string of break ups (See: Breaking Up is Hard to Do and Friend or Boyfriend?), I thought I would never fall in love again – my theme song was that Elvis Costello and Burt Bacharach tune. This was made all the more painful by my hetero lifemate telling me how she’d found her match and how apparently great it was going.
If there really is a finite amount of pain and pleasure in the universe, we were definitely trading off, because the same night that things turned around for me was the night when her ivory tower of love came crashing down around her. She got stood up on the same night that I realized that I might have found someone pretty special and greater than that, that I can and will fall in love again and again and again… I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, timing is everything. Either that or I’m just able to convince myself to obey the words of my new theme song: Always Look at the Bright Side of Life.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Friend or Boyfriend? When it Ends Before it Began
So yesterday was my day for breaking up and today was my day for getting broken up with, albeit from a very non-relationship and in a very indirect way. I met this fellow about two months ago at the same time as the Stand Up Guy and have been seeing both of them throughout this time. Things technically hadn’t progressed to more than friendship, but I was definitely interested and hoping for more. The interest seemed mutual until all of the sudden, my “friend" was unavailable and spending all of his time with a new girl on the scene. Now our friendship is awkward, my hopes for he and I are dashed, and having broken up with my other beaus, I’m left with only one date for next week! What’s the best way to handle it when a friend is more than a friend but less than a boyfriend?
A wise man I know identifies the three parts of relationship as friendship, intimacy and sex. I like this trilogy as it easily applies to the object of my unrequited affection – we have friendship down, verbal intimacy is checked off the list, but no physical intimacy yet. Seemed like we were just heading through the stages towards the latter. Maybe things don’t actually progress that linearly or maybe he just got sidetracked when another friendship moved along its parallel track. Regardless of the why’s and what’s of it, this happened and it seems, from my current experience, that there are some things that could make a return to normalcy less strange and painful.
1. Acknowledge that something was going on! It’s crazy making that we - by that I mean, myself, him and the mutual group of friends I share with this fickle fellow – are just pretending that everything should just be the way that it was. We’re all acting as though nothing was going on when I’m pretty sure we’re all in on the score. If we just allowed that “yeah, that was nice, but I’m with her now," we could part ways for a time or just slow down and let our friendship redevelop along this new path.
2. Be clear about the new relationship!While on the subject of being up front, maybe he could just tell me that they’re together now – while I already know this to be the case, he has studiously avoided all references to it in our conversations and since I want it not to be true (it is true), I don’t want to bring it up.
3. Don’t ask me out on your dates!This shouldn’t require much explanation – I never want to be a third wheel, but I especially don’t want to watch someone I dig snogging another person! (Yes, “THEY" asked me to dinner tonight and yes, I declined with regrets due to the need to re-organize the severe disarray in my sock drawer.)
Being a responsible and introspective person, I also want to take responsibility for my own actions. I should probably also just accept the fact that he’s found love elsewhere and move on. Or maybe I should just deck the bitch and steal him back?
A wise man I know identifies the three parts of relationship as friendship, intimacy and sex. I like this trilogy as it easily applies to the object of my unrequited affection – we have friendship down, verbal intimacy is checked off the list, but no physical intimacy yet. Seemed like we were just heading through the stages towards the latter. Maybe things don’t actually progress that linearly or maybe he just got sidetracked when another friendship moved along its parallel track. Regardless of the why’s and what’s of it, this happened and it seems, from my current experience, that there are some things that could make a return to normalcy less strange and painful.
1. Acknowledge that something was going on! It’s crazy making that we - by that I mean, myself, him and the mutual group of friends I share with this fickle fellow – are just pretending that everything should just be the way that it was. We’re all acting as though nothing was going on when I’m pretty sure we’re all in on the score. If we just allowed that “yeah, that was nice, but I’m with her now," we could part ways for a time or just slow down and let our friendship redevelop along this new path.
2. Be clear about the new relationship!While on the subject of being up front, maybe he could just tell me that they’re together now – while I already know this to be the case, he has studiously avoided all references to it in our conversations and since I want it not to be true (it is true), I don’t want to bring it up.
3. Don’t ask me out on your dates!This shouldn’t require much explanation – I never want to be a third wheel, but I especially don’t want to watch someone I dig snogging another person! (Yes, “THEY" asked me to dinner tonight and yes, I declined with regrets due to the need to re-organize the severe disarray in my sock drawer.)
Being a responsible and introspective person, I also want to take responsibility for my own actions. I should probably also just accept the fact that he’s found love elsewhere and move on. Or maybe I should just deck the bitch and steal him back?
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Breaking Up is Hard to Do
Today it was my unpleasant task to “break up" with three suitors. As breaking up hard to do, I was not looking forward to it and decided to use the ripping the band aid off approach. Being that one fellow was the Stand Up Guy (See: On Getting Stood Up) who I’ve been seeing for 2 months, another was Cheeky Guy (See: Las Vegas on a Second Date?) with whom I had had one coffee date and the last was someone I had not yet met, but had exchanged emails with and one phone call, you might imagine that I would have used different methods to end each of these “relationships," but no, I dumped them all over email.
Okay, admittedly, I wasn’t really breaking up with Cheeky Guy or the other fellow, but in this day and age of Internet dating, there often is a need to end a relationship before it really begins. Sometimes these things just fizzle and while that might leave one party wondering, if they aren’t interested enough to continue the pursuit, it’s probably better off that way. When my new crush breaks up with me more directly though, it may sting momentarily, but it also allows me to move on. I’ve tried to emulate this method of breaking up.
So, more specifically, my two-monther got a very heartfelt letter about how much I enjoy him and how we’re just looking for different things out of a relationship. Cheeky Guy, who I already technically broke up with, got a curt note asking him to never call me again. And finally, we’re on to my best break up of the day. Neither too gushy nor too bitchy – this could be the Goldilocks perfect of all break ups.
I told him how I enjoyed our conversation, but didn’t think we were a good fit and wished him the best. I didn’t go into detail about how his quoting the Bible and denigrating the Muslims bothered me, but I did site our religious differences as one reason we might not be a match. His response was less than Christian: “Hopefully the Bible is wrong about who “fits" into Heaven. " Does this mean I’m going to Hell or that he hopes I make to Heaven? Frankly, m’darling…
Okay, admittedly, I wasn’t really breaking up with Cheeky Guy or the other fellow, but in this day and age of Internet dating, there often is a need to end a relationship before it really begins. Sometimes these things just fizzle and while that might leave one party wondering, if they aren’t interested enough to continue the pursuit, it’s probably better off that way. When my new crush breaks up with me more directly though, it may sting momentarily, but it also allows me to move on. I’ve tried to emulate this method of breaking up.
So, more specifically, my two-monther got a very heartfelt letter about how much I enjoy him and how we’re just looking for different things out of a relationship. Cheeky Guy, who I already technically broke up with, got a curt note asking him to never call me again. And finally, we’re on to my best break up of the day. Neither too gushy nor too bitchy – this could be the Goldilocks perfect of all break ups.
I told him how I enjoyed our conversation, but didn’t think we were a good fit and wished him the best. I didn’t go into detail about how his quoting the Bible and denigrating the Muslims bothered me, but I did site our religious differences as one reason we might not be a match. His response was less than Christian: “Hopefully the Bible is wrong about who “fits" into Heaven. " Does this mean I’m going to Hell or that he hopes I make to Heaven? Frankly, m’darling…
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