Some of my musings on why I'm letting some of the 101 goals go...funny in that when I write down my reasons that I don't think I'll do them, I notice that letting go of my have-to mentality makes me feel a little more like doing them.
7: Write my masters thesis. Because of a new Masters program that I am eligible to transfer into, I may not finish this. And frankly, if I can throw money at this problem and make it go away, I'm happy to do it in this instance.
4. Get names/artists for the currently un-labeled music – do I need that much organization?!
14. Sell or donate crafting supplies not in use – I like having them around so I can create whenever I want.
20. Do deep breathing exercises every night for 1 week – I’m just not into this. It's like I think I can force a new healthy habit on myself. Since I'm all about life evolving organically, I don't think I should force myself into this.
30. Get caught up on filing and data entry – what does “caught up” mean? I’ve felt caught up several times and still have a stack. I think I need to define goals like this one a little more clearly.
35. Consult with an adoption counselor – I’m content for this to happen in it’s own time and take it off the list with a deadline.
45. Take ceramics/pottery class – I’d like to do this someday when it feels organic.
51. Plant Tiger Lily's bulbs – ditto.
52. Buy a book on Lily's or orchids – I’d rather take a book from the library one spring when I feel like planting things.
59. Hike 2x per week for 2 months – I just don’t like hiking that much. I'd rather be swimming or boating.
83. Get a fish or bird – Chibo’s enough companion animal for me and learning about what it takes to get fish for aquariums makes me dislike them a bit.
90. Make a recommended reading list for professional development – I don’t want to take the time to make a list, I just want to keep reading.
96. Fast for 24 hours – If I find a viable spiritual reason within my own practice, I’ll do this, but otherwise, I just added this because it sounded challenging.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
101 Goals
Due to various reasons, I'm not feeling as connected to my 101 goals project as I had been. I do not think now is the time for some goals (like my trip to Italy); I stopped caring about other goals (like buying a book on lilies or orchids); some goals weren't worded specifically enough for me to feel like focusing on them any longer (like "finish filing"); and there are several that I feel like I completed even though I couldn't document them. The following is my modified list of goals for the next 418 days:
2. Finish putting my hard copies of photos and scraps into albums - I'm also scanning in photos, but that is a long term project
10. Finish my mom's afghan
12. Drink no soda for 1 month (excluding soda water)
23. Teach a QiGong class
27. Go outrigger paddling again
28. Go for an overnight backpacking trip
29. Go backpacking for more than one night
31. Take another obedience class with Chibo
34. Consult with a dermatologist
38. Reduce by 1/2 my primary credit card – need to adjust this and consider where I started
43. Take guitar lesson/class
44. Take dance class
48. Eat no processed food for 1 week
49. Plant an herb garden (or at least 4 kinds in pots)
50. Plant a vegetable garden
54. Crochet something to wear
56. Spend an important anniversary with mom
60. Visit Pete and Sara in DC/NY
65. Make a supplement list and take consistently for 2 weeks
66. Go 1 day without swearing
67. Set aside an afternoon 1x per month for 3 months to send birthday greetings and other mail
69. Find a good calcium supplement and add to regular supplement list
70. Put videos onto DVD
71. Learn to sharpen dad's knives
72. Renew SCUBA certification and go diving!
73. Learn 3 prayers
74. Memorize 1 poem
75. Floss nightly for 2 weeks
80. Go to the zoo
81. Have a day of gracious living - tell people about the concept
85. Go to my 10 year college reunion - scheduled 10/2009
86. Find out if Math/Science Center is still running and contact the director
87. Tune up sewing machine
88. Take a sewing class
92. Go to AANP and/or NWNPC conferences
93. Drink 8 glasses of water daily for 1 month
95. Take the train to Seattle
97. Have a cocktail party - make a new drink for friends!
100. Go to Olympic National Forest
2. Finish putting my hard copies of photos and scraps into albums - I'm also scanning in photos, but that is a long term project
10. Finish my mom's afghan
12. Drink no soda for 1 month (excluding soda water)
23. Teach a QiGong class
27. Go outrigger paddling again
28. Go for an overnight backpacking trip
29. Go backpacking for more than one night
31. Take another obedience class with Chibo
34. Consult with a dermatologist
38. Reduce by 1/2 my primary credit card – need to adjust this and consider where I started
43. Take guitar lesson/class
44. Take dance class
48. Eat no processed food for 1 week
49. Plant an herb garden (or at least 4 kinds in pots)
50. Plant a vegetable garden
54. Crochet something to wear
56. Spend an important anniversary with mom
60. Visit Pete and Sara in DC/NY
65. Make a supplement list and take consistently for 2 weeks
66. Go 1 day without swearing
67. Set aside an afternoon 1x per month for 3 months to send birthday greetings and other mail
69. Find a good calcium supplement and add to regular supplement list
70. Put videos onto DVD
71. Learn to sharpen dad's knives
72. Renew SCUBA certification and go diving!
73. Learn 3 prayers
74. Memorize 1 poem
75. Floss nightly for 2 weeks
80. Go to the zoo
81. Have a day of gracious living - tell people about the concept
85. Go to my 10 year college reunion - scheduled 10/2009
86. Find out if Math/Science Center is still running and contact the director
87. Tune up sewing machine
88. Take a sewing class
92. Go to AANP and/or NWNPC conferences
93. Drink 8 glasses of water daily for 1 month
95. Take the train to Seattle
97. Have a cocktail party - make a new drink for friends!
100. Go to Olympic National Forest
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Pontification in an Obama-Nation
Ferris Bueler said that -isms, in general, are a bag thing, but I think -ations can also fall into this category. Hearing a lot of pontification (to speak or express opinions in a pompous or dogmatic way) today and would like to refer people to the following: "No We Can't, White Folks" and "No We Can't, Black Folks." I love The Root.
Spoke with my mom early in the evening yesterday before the polls were closing. She asked me, almost shyly, if she could ask who I voted for. I had been avoiding asking her and my brothers who they voted for, assuming we would disagree and not wanting to create further tension in the family, but it turns out that mom and I agreed on this one. The two brothers who made it to the polls cancelled one another out and surprised me on their choices.
A and I were glued to the television watching the results come in and when the icon saying "Elected: President Barack Obama" came on the screen, we couldn't believe it - it was too fast. There were still so many states unaccounted for and he had already won! It was amazing. I watched the people celebrating in the streets, crying and shouting while A went upstairs and talked to his family and Martin. Martin voted McCain and called to congratulate A that his candidate won. A smartly replied that we will all benefit from Obama's presidency. A said to remember what we were doing that day because it is an historic occasion, the election of the first African American president of the United States.
There is some part of me that is also very inspired that president-elect Obama is not only African-American, but biracial. It's not that he has a white parent, but just that part of me that relates to that on some level, being in an inter-racial, inter-cultural relationship. In a word, I guess it's because, Barack's masala, too.
I feel so touched, inspired, proud, relieved and happy today. I feel like we've all been waiting to exhale and finally I can feel the tightness in my chest start to release. I'm looking forward to the next four to eight years. Oh yes, I said it, eight years. God bless Barack.
Spoke with my mom early in the evening yesterday before the polls were closing. She asked me, almost shyly, if she could ask who I voted for. I had been avoiding asking her and my brothers who they voted for, assuming we would disagree and not wanting to create further tension in the family, but it turns out that mom and I agreed on this one. The two brothers who made it to the polls cancelled one another out and surprised me on their choices.
A and I were glued to the television watching the results come in and when the icon saying "Elected: President Barack Obama" came on the screen, we couldn't believe it - it was too fast. There were still so many states unaccounted for and he had already won! It was amazing. I watched the people celebrating in the streets, crying and shouting while A went upstairs and talked to his family and Martin. Martin voted McCain and called to congratulate A that his candidate won. A smartly replied that we will all benefit from Obama's presidency. A said to remember what we were doing that day because it is an historic occasion, the election of the first African American president of the United States.
There is some part of me that is also very inspired that president-elect Obama is not only African-American, but biracial. It's not that he has a white parent, but just that part of me that relates to that on some level, being in an inter-racial, inter-cultural relationship. In a word, I guess it's because, Barack's masala, too.
I feel so touched, inspired, proud, relieved and happy today. I feel like we've all been waiting to exhale and finally I can feel the tightness in my chest start to release. I'm looking forward to the next four to eight years. Oh yes, I said it, eight years. God bless Barack.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Fingers Crossed
Each election feels slightly more important than the last and I feel more involved, but this election seems crucial. I'm not making the college threats of relocating to another country if this election doesn't go the direction I'd like it to as I am more firmly rooted in my community than that, but my heart does catch at the thought.
On the other hand, I voted for hope and I voted for change. Even if the election doesn't provide the strong catalyst for change that I hope it will, I must have hope and stimulate change where and how I can. I haven't listened to many speeches, but Senator Barack Obama's debate response in which he described how America needs real leadership and what that means moved me and struck me.
I have heard the call. Now, fingers crossed that the majority of Americans have also heard.
On the other hand, I voted for hope and I voted for change. Even if the election doesn't provide the strong catalyst for change that I hope it will, I must have hope and stimulate change where and how I can. I haven't listened to many speeches, but Senator Barack Obama's debate response in which he described how America needs real leadership and what that means moved me and struck me.
I have heard the call. Now, fingers crossed that the majority of Americans have also heard.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Two Years and Counting...
A and I celebrated our 2nd anniversary yesterday. Two years together and so much has changed. He's a much different person than the man I started dating. I have to imagine that I'm also a very different person.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Things That Haven't Happened...Yet?
I totally lost it yesterday. No costume, no make up, no candy (okay, I did eat one 'fun pack' of M and M's) and no parties. I got myself worked up in such a state that I spent much of the evening in tears and sent A to party alone. Alone at home with Chibo, I didn't even answer the door when our outside lights turned back on (on timer) and we got some late Trick-or-Treaters.
What the heck? Why? What was so upsetting? I don't know, but I know it started much earlier in the day as I could feel anxiety rising while I was still about my business before I even headed home to get dressed. I was speaking to a friend in the car on the way home and I told her that I was aware that I was manifesting this bad time with all the dread I was feeling. She pointed out that I was upset about things that haven't even happened yet. That is interesting.
I was upset about things that haven't even happened yet.
Not only had they not happened, but it was possible they wouldn't happen. It was entirely possible that the things I had envisioned or thought of either consciously or unconsciously would not ever happen, let alone having not even happened yet. But I was just as upset, sad, angry and anxious as if they had already happened. I already felt berated, beat up, left out, less than, ugly, unwitty and taken for granted when in fact, I had every reason to feel supported, cherished, included, valued, respected and fun.
By staying home, I certainly prevented the worst of my projected unpleasantness, the things that hadn't happened yet, from happening. If I lived alone and had no partner, this wouldn't have been a problem for anyone else - maybe friends would miss me, but when I saw them again as my normal contented self, they would be none the wiser and no feelings would have been hurt by my responding to things that haven't happened yet. But I live with A and he was hoping to spend a fun evening together. Though I'm sure he had fun, he was very disappointed that I didn't go and then he started wondering about things that haven't happened yet, such as my future refusals to go to parties, because of the various reasons I gave to try to explain my disquiet.
This, I think, is the gift of Buddhist practice - being in the moment, you don't hold on to the past or project the future. Things that haven't happened yet have no bearing on the moment. I need practice with this, because every day my decisions and emotions are influenced by things that haven't happened yet. The more I consider this, the clearer it becomes that these things have a strong influence in my life - I can become a weeping mess over the death of a loved one that hasn't happened yet within moments, I prepare for confrontations that I imagine happening that never materialize and I get myself in these anxious states because of imagined slights, attacks, disrespects and situations that leave me feeling powerless.
Besides practicing being in the moment, I think an important next step is to examine the pieces of these imagined things that haven't happened yet and see why they would be so upsetting to me and how I could develop myself so that they aren't. That sounds a bit like preparing myself for confrontations that never materialize, a practice I'm already more than familiar enough with, but what I mean is something different. What I mean is to figure out what I feel that allows me to project these imagined scenarios, such as feeling powerless or disrespected, and determine if there are social skills to develop or conversations to have to ensure I'm feeling in control of my own destiny or respected in the present moment. Because these imagined scenarios can really only reflect the reality going on right now.
And right now, I'm feeling determined to be more clear about why I do or do not want to do things, to respect my own desires to be in certain environments and to allow myself the freedom of entering situations without manifesting my own pre-meditated resentments and negativities.
What the heck? Why? What was so upsetting? I don't know, but I know it started much earlier in the day as I could feel anxiety rising while I was still about my business before I even headed home to get dressed. I was speaking to a friend in the car on the way home and I told her that I was aware that I was manifesting this bad time with all the dread I was feeling. She pointed out that I was upset about things that haven't even happened yet. That is interesting.
I was upset about things that haven't even happened yet.
Not only had they not happened, but it was possible they wouldn't happen. It was entirely possible that the things I had envisioned or thought of either consciously or unconsciously would not ever happen, let alone having not even happened yet. But I was just as upset, sad, angry and anxious as if they had already happened. I already felt berated, beat up, left out, less than, ugly, unwitty and taken for granted when in fact, I had every reason to feel supported, cherished, included, valued, respected and fun.
By staying home, I certainly prevented the worst of my projected unpleasantness, the things that hadn't happened yet, from happening. If I lived alone and had no partner, this wouldn't have been a problem for anyone else - maybe friends would miss me, but when I saw them again as my normal contented self, they would be none the wiser and no feelings would have been hurt by my responding to things that haven't happened yet. But I live with A and he was hoping to spend a fun evening together. Though I'm sure he had fun, he was very disappointed that I didn't go and then he started wondering about things that haven't happened yet, such as my future refusals to go to parties, because of the various reasons I gave to try to explain my disquiet.
This, I think, is the gift of Buddhist practice - being in the moment, you don't hold on to the past or project the future. Things that haven't happened yet have no bearing on the moment. I need practice with this, because every day my decisions and emotions are influenced by things that haven't happened yet. The more I consider this, the clearer it becomes that these things have a strong influence in my life - I can become a weeping mess over the death of a loved one that hasn't happened yet within moments, I prepare for confrontations that I imagine happening that never materialize and I get myself in these anxious states because of imagined slights, attacks, disrespects and situations that leave me feeling powerless.
Besides practicing being in the moment, I think an important next step is to examine the pieces of these imagined things that haven't happened yet and see why they would be so upsetting to me and how I could develop myself so that they aren't. That sounds a bit like preparing myself for confrontations that never materialize, a practice I'm already more than familiar enough with, but what I mean is something different. What I mean is to figure out what I feel that allows me to project these imagined scenarios, such as feeling powerless or disrespected, and determine if there are social skills to develop or conversations to have to ensure I'm feeling in control of my own destiny or respected in the present moment. Because these imagined scenarios can really only reflect the reality going on right now.
And right now, I'm feeling determined to be more clear about why I do or do not want to do things, to respect my own desires to be in certain environments and to allow myself the freedom of entering situations without manifesting my own pre-meditated resentments and negativities.
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