What I Don't Like About Myself

I fight with my boyfriend a lot. Okay, maybe not a lot, and maybe it's not really fighting when I just yell and screech at him, but I do it more often than I like. Sometimes it makes me wonder...well, it often makes me wonder...are we really compatible if I'm always yelling? Am I just too set in my ways to welcome another person into my life? Am I protecting myself from getting too close? Am I just a bitch? Is he just a ___ ? Why does my voice do that when I'm angry? Why do I always cry when I'm really angry? Am I really a mean person?

Last night, I got mad. A met me at my house after work and was ready to take me out for dinner, a movie and some early Halloween shopping. It does make sense to be Halloween shopping right now because we're leaving for the next two weeks. However, even though it makes sense, I don't feel any urgency about it whatsoever. Until he starts talking about it and then I feel like I'm going to have a crappy costume, I'm not going to fit in, but I'm not going to stand out, I'm probably not going to have any fun at all and so on. So there was already the start of some tension - mostly due to my own weird, unhealthy and unconsciously driven thoughts.

Then I started having this weird anxiety. I called E since we were in the neighborhood and she decided to come shopping with us. I don't know why this added to my tailspin, but then A said something to me along the lines of: I just didn't want to spend another night at your house watching movies, I wanted to get you out, see some people, have some fun. I was mortified. Did that guy at the next rack (who I don't know and don't even care about) hear that? Did the cute girl with the funky bracelets he admired hear? Does he think she's more fun? Does he want to date her now? I was so pissed at him, after he basically said he just wanted to show me a good time, that I couldn't speak, we had to leave the store and I fought back tears for the next 30 minutes.

What I don't like about myself is how my internal dialogue is this panic driven, full throttle anxiety bomb. That A and E both have a fair bit of emotion to them sometimes doesn't help and let's not even start on my mother. But really, it's my dialogue. Any influence they have is based only on my permitting them to do so. How do we change our internal dialogue? Fake it until we make it? I like that method for changing other things, but I'm not sure it would work with myself. Would it go a little something like this:

Self: Wow, A admired her bracelets.
Self: She's a bitch.
Self: No, she's probably not a bitch. They're cute bracelets.
Self: You're a bitch.

Guess I'll have to work on some healthy self talk. In the meantime, I'm keeping my mouth shut a little more in the moment and that helps. Instead of screeching, A and I end up talking about my feelings which is a lot more effective and also helps me realize which ones are real and which ones are just me spinning my own wheels.

Best Friday Night In a LONG Time

Great plans for Friday night:

1. Make unclear and incomplete plans last minute
2. Call only those people who you can really relax with
3. Ask someone else to host
4. Tell everyone you'll make all the food, then change your mind at the last minute and tell everyone to bring something
5. Shake until blended

What a fun night. No movie was watched. Half the food was a flop. We forgot to plan any drinks. And we didn't know who was coming and who wasn't. And it was the funnest Friday night I've had in a long time. I feel content in my heart and in my tummy.

Equanimity

1 : evenness of mind especially under stress
2 : right disposition

Yes, I need to cultivate that. Today my mind is off kilter and uneven. Everything is going to be okay, but today it doesn't seem so, and the slightest of events has me all a-jumble.

Mind Your Business

On doing menial tasks when one is the boss:

When you have no business, you do what you have no business doing.

Time Out

I'm a bit anti-social and it feels good. After I worked yesterday (which was particularly exhausting since I started working at 7am!), I came home and didn't do anything. I didn't call anyone, I didn't answer the phone. I didn't send any text messages with E, despite her voicemail and later text asking "is everything ok?" I did very briefly chat with A just to set up plans not to see one another.

I got into my pajamas and watched a silly movie. Then I watched Coupling on Netflix. Then I blogged a bit, went back into the kitchen to make vegan Cashew Cheez and Aloha Pate, which require no cooking, but a fair bit of food processing and went back to bed, where I was asleep by 10. Needless to say, I was up before the alarm today and feel great this morning.

I don't want this to become set in stone, but I think I might take a Time Out at least once per week. I feel fantastic. Not lonely, but yet rejuvenated and a bit of longing to see friends. Does that make me an introvert, despite my social nature?

Playing Catch Up or Not Playing at All?

So I haven't been blogging but I've been thinking a lot about blogging. I've had a side job for the past couple months related to blogging, so I'm looking at a lot of blogs. I'm also working at the new job, living in the new house, getting news about my boards (passed!) and licensure (yes, I should, in fact, wait until January to get licensed), getting ready to meet A's sister and go on my birthday cruise (despite my best intentions to just spend the day pampering myself at a spa), so there's lots to blog about. I even have sort of a list in my head of topics to write about, but the days keep going and I just don't write. It's like there are too many back topics that I want to write about, but not bad enough to actually sit down and do it. As E and I had discussed, it's a whole lot different when you don't have class time to actually get things done.

I used to knit/crochet, blog and email in class. When I first moved into my new place, I also spent a lot of time at the computer, but I noticed last night when E was over how different the energy was when the computer was closed the whole time. I didn't even think of opening it to check email - wait, I did open it once, but technically, that was just before E arrived. I opened the computer to look up how to make corn tortillas just as she rang the bell. Since we were running out to the store, I wanted to see if I needed ingredients. Since the making of tortillas requires only corn flour and water, you'd think I was set, but alas, I have corn meal and not corn flour and these are two different things. In what way, I do not know, but the site I read specified that they are very different and that tortillas can NOT be made with meal. So, I decided to just buy tortillas and skip the whole "tortilla press" and corn flour fiasco. At any rate, that was what I needed to learn on the computer at the beginning of E's visit. Then I didn't think of the computer the rest of the night.

So, now I find myself wanting to describe the calm yet celebratory dinner we had last night and all the cooking and food prep I've been enjoying the last few days instead of getting to the point. And really, I'd like to get to the point, so I can get back in the kitchen. My point is simply this - I don't have to carry a list of blog topics around in my head or in my pocket - if the topic is salient enough, it will come round again. I can and will just write when the mood strikes. I am not a slave to this forum nor to any technique or method I employ. I can do deep breathing when it feels good or just roll over and go to sleep. I can bike to work or drive as the mood and weather strike me. I can have routines and I can stray from them. I made them to serve me, just like this blog. So, I'll let it serve me and if making a list is something that seems important, I'll make it here and come back to it later.

Eggplant - Yummy

I've been getting all kinds of free eggplant at work. When the skin doesn't look tight and perfect, they throw it in the back for us and the insides are still lovely and delicious. I think I'm getting the hang of finding good recipes online. Step 1: Look for one. Imagine that. I like this one, because it's simple and requires few ingredients. It was also delicious and the vegetables smelled wonderful roasting, so I had a fragrant afternoon preparing this. The long, slow cook time also imbues the soup with a deep warmth that's perfect for the rising cool of autumn.

ROASTED EGGPLANT SOUP RECIPE
3 medium tomatoes, halved
1 (1 1/2 lb) lb) eggplants, halved lengthwise
1 small onion, halved
6 garlic cloves, peeled
2 tablespoons vegetable oil

Preheat oven to 400°F.
Place tomatoes, eggplant, onion and garlic on large baking sheet. Brush vegetables with oil. Roast until vegetables are tender and brown in spots, about 45 minutes.
Remove from oven.
Scoop eggplant from skin into heavy large saucepan; discard skin. Add remaining roasted vegetables and thyme to same saucepan.
Add 4 cups chicken stock and bring to boil. Reduce heat to simmer. Cook until onion is very tender, about 45 minutes.
Cool slightly.
Working in batches, puree soup in blender until smooth. Return soup to saucepan.
Stir in cream. Bring to simmer, thinning with more stock, if desired.
Season soup with salt and pepper.
Serve with sprinkling of goat cheese.

Modifications: No cream - if a creamier soup is desired, use coconut milk. Vegan cheese or no cheese also works. Serve with fresh olive oil breadsticks!